O Evils!
5-7-5. Short-lived dark pleasure or long-lived white joy?186 total reviews
Comment from sandy montgomery
I liked this poem and how you used the descriptive words; "dark, black, and white) I love the phrase, " if tasted white joy" . This poem is a bit mysterious and that lends it a haikuish feeling. Thank you for sharing your unusual work.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2018
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I liked this poem and how you used the descriptive words; "dark, black, and white) I love the phrase, " if tasted white joy" . This poem is a bit mysterious and that lends it a haikuish feeling. Thank you for sharing your unusual work.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2018
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Thank you for this fantastic comment and review I appreciate.
Comment from kiwijenny
Happy with short-lived
Dark, illusive, black pleasure?
If tasted white joy!
But what about the beautiful black dress..black is daring..black is dramatic. Black is beautiful
God bless
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2018
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Happy with short-lived
Dark, illusive, black pleasure?
If tasted white joy!
But what about the beautiful black dress..black is daring..black is dramatic. Black is beautiful
God bless
Comment Written 07-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2018
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Thanks for this comment.
Comment from rspoet
This is a good 5-7-5 poem contrasting dark with light
The poem itself is a bit obscure in meaning, though.
A poem should be able to stand on its own
without long explanations.
When once you've tasted
the joy of God's white light, dark
pleasure fades to naught
RS
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2018
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This is a good 5-7-5 poem contrasting dark with light
The poem itself is a bit obscure in meaning, though.
A poem should be able to stand on its own
without long explanations.
When once you've tasted
the joy of God's white light, dark
pleasure fades to naught
RS
Comment Written 07-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2018
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Thank you for this nice review I appreciate.
Comment from Shanbreen
This poem keeps to the 5-7-5 syllable format. I presume what you ae trying to ask is whether one is happy with dark pleasures even after the person has tasted white joy -- in which case a question mark at the end of joy would do the trick.
The other way to look at this is that you are pointing the superficial high with dark pleasure -- the advise being go ahead and find real pleasure in white joy. In this case, you may have to rework the last line to abide within the requirements of the 7-syllables format. In this case, the person does not know about white joy and you are directing him/her to try it.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2018
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This poem keeps to the 5-7-5 syllable format. I presume what you ae trying to ask is whether one is happy with dark pleasures even after the person has tasted white joy -- in which case a question mark at the end of joy would do the trick.
The other way to look at this is that you are pointing the superficial high with dark pleasure -- the advise being go ahead and find real pleasure in white joy. In this case, you may have to rework the last line to abide within the requirements of the 7-syllables format. In this case, the person does not know about white joy and you are directing him/her to try it.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2018
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Thank you for this nice review and comment I appreciate.
Comment from Hayley Zemontas
Very poignant message within your poem and one that strikes a chord with me because I have experienced the darkness of depression and low self worth, which has then led me to vastly appreciate every sweet moment of white joy. I love the image of the 3 monkeys, as it matches perfectly with the poems messages. I think you did a great job with this 5-7-5 poem. I enjoyed reading it and thinking about the deeper meaning. Hayley x
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2018
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Very poignant message within your poem and one that strikes a chord with me because I have experienced the darkness of depression and low self worth, which has then led me to vastly appreciate every sweet moment of white joy. I love the image of the 3 monkeys, as it matches perfectly with the poems messages. I think you did a great job with this 5-7-5 poem. I enjoyed reading it and thinking about the deeper meaning. Hayley x
Comment Written 07-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2018
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Thank you for this nice review I appreciate.
Comment from Blue Hendrix
Love the picture and your poem has the correct syllable count. I started to give you 4 stars because I didn't exactly understand it like there might be a word or thought missing. But then I decided that I like this because it is really making me think about that which is making it a very intriguing wonderful poem!
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2018
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Love the picture and your poem has the correct syllable count. I started to give you 4 stars because I didn't exactly understand it like there might be a word or thought missing. But then I decided that I like this because it is really making me think about that which is making it a very intriguing wonderful poem!
Comment Written 07-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2018
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Thanks.
Comment from Air Spirit
Your poem is illusive and intriguing... Your initial sentence (or question actually) of "...Happy with short-lived Dark, illusive, black pleasure?" is clear in its meaning and intent. You are posing a question to the reader that infers, there is also an alternative. Your phrase "...If tasted white joy!" while I believe I understand what you are implying is that white joy is the opposite of that, and would be pure, long lasting and eternal... but the actual sentence structure is unclear in its message as posed -- and does not convey that clearly. "If tasted white joy" isn't a declarative statement, nor is is a question... so it left me unclear as to what the meaning was... if I could suggest anything to improve the poem, it would be to provide a more clear statement/question in that last phrase... I love the imagery, and the metaphor you are trying to implement, but the intent is unclear. I would suggest making it more definitive: for example: 'white joy's eternal.'
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2018
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Your poem is illusive and intriguing... Your initial sentence (or question actually) of "...Happy with short-lived Dark, illusive, black pleasure?" is clear in its meaning and intent. You are posing a question to the reader that infers, there is also an alternative. Your phrase "...If tasted white joy!" while I believe I understand what you are implying is that white joy is the opposite of that, and would be pure, long lasting and eternal... but the actual sentence structure is unclear in its message as posed -- and does not convey that clearly. "If tasted white joy" isn't a declarative statement, nor is is a question... so it left me unclear as to what the meaning was... if I could suggest anything to improve the poem, it would be to provide a more clear statement/question in that last phrase... I love the imagery, and the metaphor you are trying to implement, but the intent is unclear. I would suggest making it more definitive: for example: 'white joy's eternal.'
Comment Written 07-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2018
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Thank you for this nice review.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Your syllable count is correct for 575. However, there seems to be some missing words/thoughts as this doesn't flow well or make sense. Your list of words in the author notes are just that--a list. I wish I could understand this. Jan
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2018
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Your syllable count is correct for 575. However, there seems to be some missing words/thoughts as this doesn't flow well or make sense. Your list of words in the author notes are just that--a list. I wish I could understand this. Jan
Comment Written 07-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2018
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Thanks.
Comment from Mike Stevens
Another fine haiku, A. L. D. It's true, so many of us dwell on the negative, and what has it got us? Feeling down, on society, on ourselves, living in dark shadows.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2018
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Another fine haiku, A. L. D. It's true, so many of us dwell on the negative, and what has it got us? Feeling down, on society, on ourselves, living in dark shadows.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2018
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Thank you.
Comment from Lulube
A good point to make about becoming used to your life being in the dark life. hard to climb out of. Only one thing troubles me, the last line, If tasted White Joy. I think you are meaning to say, have these people ever tasted white joy instead of living in the dark? So here's a suggestion; Should taste some White Joy.
lulube
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2018
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A good point to make about becoming used to your life being in the dark life. hard to climb out of. Only one thing troubles me, the last line, If tasted White Joy. I think you are meaning to say, have these people ever tasted white joy instead of living in the dark? So here's a suggestion; Should taste some White Joy.
lulube
Comment Written 07-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2018
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Thank you.
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welcome
lulube
