O Evils!
5-7-5. Short-lived dark pleasure or long-lived white joy?186 total reviews
Comment from Titanx9
Your poetry always has such deep and arcane meaning, which is not to say it's not good. Quite the contrary as it forces the reader to read word by word and its meaning to the poem in its entirety. Your theme of mostly dark evil and white pure might be contestable for some, but otherwise, this is an excellent post!
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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Your poetry always has such deep and arcane meaning, which is not to say it's not good. Quite the contrary as it forces the reader to read word by word and its meaning to the poem in its entirety. Your theme of mostly dark evil and white pure might be contestable for some, but otherwise, this is an excellent post!
Comment Written 01-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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THANKS FOR COMMENDABLE REVIEW.
Comment from Sanku
when you taste dark illusive black pleasure you get white joy ?-i have read your other poems and in them you use black for evil and white for sacred.dont you ?or do you mean 'if only you tasted white joy.?
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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when you taste dark illusive black pleasure you get white joy ?-i have read your other poems and in them you use black for evil and white for sacred.dont you ?or do you mean 'if only you tasted white joy.?
Comment Written 01-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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THANKS FOR INSIGHT REVIEW.
Comment from skye
Thoughtful, filled with stark imagery and imaginative words.
I think the contrast is well chosen.
You have created a few lines, with many meanings.
Well done.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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Thoughtful, filled with stark imagery and imaginative words.
I think the contrast is well chosen.
You have created a few lines, with many meanings.
Well done.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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THANKS FOR FAIR REVIEW.
Comment from Deniz22
Sometimes it seems you just throw thoughts out there to see what will stick to and individuals wall and what kind of finger painting they will come up with. This seems like one of them.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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Sometimes it seems you just throw thoughts out there to see what will stick to and individuals wall and what kind of finger painting they will come up with. This seems like one of them.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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THANKS FOR INSIGHT REVIEW.
Comment from vkmack
This is well done. The idea of "short-lived Dark, illusive, black pleasure" is universal, but the lack of "white joy" is also universal. This is an excellent comment on instant gratification and all it lacks; it certainly has no substance. Lovely work. You've managed the 5-7-5 format and still said something profound. Great work here.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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This is well done. The idea of "short-lived Dark, illusive, black pleasure" is universal, but the lack of "white joy" is also universal. This is an excellent comment on instant gratification and all it lacks; it certainly has no substance. Lovely work. You've managed the 5-7-5 format and still said something profound. Great work here.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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THANKS FOR COMMENDABLE REVIEW.
Comment from Oatmeal
The meter seemed good. The topic was well chosen. All arrangement is understandable.
There were no errors that I could see.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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The meter seemed good. The topic was well chosen. All arrangement is understandable.
There were no errors that I could see.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
Comment Written 31-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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THANKS FOR NICE REVIEW.
Comment from amahra
Hey an image; this is a first for me...I thing. Anyway, I liked the poem and the image seemed quite appropriate for this writing. Black pleasure gives white joy.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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Hey an image; this is a first for me...I thing. Anyway, I liked the poem and the image seemed quite appropriate for this writing. Black pleasure gives white joy.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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THANKS FOR COMMENDABLE REVIEW.
Comment from allborn66
This is a very interesting poem. The theme is communicated. The word choice in the first two lines is very strong. I'm not quite sure what white joy is.
Barbara
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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This is a very interesting poem. The theme is communicated. The word choice in the first two lines is very strong. I'm not quite sure what white joy is.
Barbara
Comment Written 31-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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THANKS FOR COMMENDABLE REVIEW.
Comment from AnonymousWisdom
...If you stare at it for a while, the last line sort of makes sense. But for most readers, "If tasted white joy!" is not going to make sense at ALL.
Good 5-7-5 syllable count.
You need to find better wording for this, especially the last line. Otherwise...I don't like to say this, but it's clumsily written.
Thanks for sharing and Happy Easter! :)
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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...If you stare at it for a while, the last line sort of makes sense. But for most readers, "If tasted white joy!" is not going to make sense at ALL.
Good 5-7-5 syllable count.
You need to find better wording for this, especially the last line. Otherwise...I don't like to say this, but it's clumsily written.
Thanks for sharing and Happy Easter! :)
Comment Written 31-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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THANKS.
Comment from closetpoetjester
Yep your own style alright, because this is NOT a five seven five. You just HAPPEN to have the same amount of syllables.
Again, nothing coherent with clarity here due to your own creative slantivity and neglegence to make it grammatically correct for the sake of a syb or two.
Really does ANYONE care if you have 17 syllables? In a word - Nope. You are forsaking some quite potentially good messages and poetry with your need to run with a syllable count and capitilization at start of each line. This IS detrimental I feel.
I recommend ignoring the count and run with whats true to your heart, which of course is your unending gift to the masses.
Here - take a look at a re-write.
No, really look at it...if God is in your heart I'm sure you'll at least take a look.
My suggestion for better clarity of message and creating your own form ) You could call this format, er, lets say, "The Gift"? I AM actually serious.
Forget the count Oh Mighty Writey and try this one on for size: (no really, please run this by your divine ear)
Are you happy with
dark, illusive, short lived
black pleasure?
Oh, if only, to taste
pure white joy!
Now THAT'S poetry. Well, in my opinion which you just paid me 1.30 member dollars for.
I DO hope it counts for something...however I'll expect yet another no show with a response. I notice you reply to a mere priveleged few...hey, I've earnt my money...don't I deserve a reply?
Come on...surprise me.
PS I also see you just about have your own poem written in the sub title or by line...rather an interesting concept.
Kind of negates the poem don't it?
Like I said...surprise me Oh Mighty One.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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Yep your own style alright, because this is NOT a five seven five. You just HAPPEN to have the same amount of syllables.
Again, nothing coherent with clarity here due to your own creative slantivity and neglegence to make it grammatically correct for the sake of a syb or two.
Really does ANYONE care if you have 17 syllables? In a word - Nope. You are forsaking some quite potentially good messages and poetry with your need to run with a syllable count and capitilization at start of each line. This IS detrimental I feel.
I recommend ignoring the count and run with whats true to your heart, which of course is your unending gift to the masses.
Here - take a look at a re-write.
No, really look at it...if God is in your heart I'm sure you'll at least take a look.
My suggestion for better clarity of message and creating your own form ) You could call this format, er, lets say, "The Gift"? I AM actually serious.
Forget the count Oh Mighty Writey and try this one on for size: (no really, please run this by your divine ear)
Are you happy with
dark, illusive, short lived
black pleasure?
Oh, if only, to taste
pure white joy!
Now THAT'S poetry. Well, in my opinion which you just paid me 1.30 member dollars for.
I DO hope it counts for something...however I'll expect yet another no show with a response. I notice you reply to a mere priveleged few...hey, I've earnt my money...don't I deserve a reply?
Come on...surprise me.
PS I also see you just about have your own poem written in the sub title or by line...rather an interesting concept.
Kind of negates the poem don't it?
Like I said...surprise me Oh Mighty One.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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THANKS.
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My, my Ray, what a LOVELY surprise...Oh white joy!
