Oh Life!
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Promote Humanity Serve Mankind B' Human"Experiences of living
67 total reviews
Comment from Cornetist
Once again, you have the acrostic part down pat but the rest of the treatise seems incoherent and really makes no sense - even trying to allow some poetic ambiguousness. Might I suggest that you try to organize the thoughts you have and present them in a more coherent manner?
Cornetist
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Once again, you have the acrostic part down pat but the rest of the treatise seems incoherent and really makes no sense - even trying to allow some poetic ambiguousness. Might I suggest that you try to organize the thoughts you have and present them in a more coherent manner?
Cornetist
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks
Comment from seewhatimwritingnow
Beautifully written. Understood every word of the great message. One can tell a lot of time and thought went into this thought-provoking piece. Thank you for sharing this. Good luck to you. Betty
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Beautifully written. Understood every word of the great message. One can tell a lot of time and thought went into this thought-provoking piece. Thank you for sharing this. Good luck to you. Betty
Comment Written 16-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks for nice review
Comment from c_lucas
Man should put God first in his life and others second. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Man should put God first in his life and others second. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks for good review
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You're welcome
Comment from muezza56
another interesting and original in writing style, of live and in a way 'our' inadequacies and ineptness on how we cope with it all
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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another interesting and original in writing style, of live and in a way 'our' inadequacies and ineptness on how we cope with it all
Comment Written 16-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks for the feedback
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Alcreator,
Hello again. This acrostic must have been difficult to write but I do understand the message (I think) Some of the lines were hard to understand but that is no doubt my fault. I think you could say less and still get your point across....chey
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Hi Alcreator,
Hello again. This acrostic must have been difficult to write but I do understand the message (I think) Some of the lines were hard to understand but that is no doubt my fault. I think you could say less and still get your point across....chey
Comment Written 16-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
-
thanks
Comment from RJFunston
Hello again,
You have a very interesting style of writing. It is straight forward, with sincerity throughout the piece. Your writing is strong, the flow is perfect. This is a great show of penmanship. Have a great day.
Robert
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Hello again,
You have a very interesting style of writing. It is straight forward, with sincerity throughout the piece. Your writing is strong, the flow is perfect. This is a great show of penmanship. Have a great day.
Robert
Comment Written 16-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks for nice professional review
Comment from Jerry Rauhuff
PROMOTE HUMANITY SERVE MANKIND BE HUMAN--another thoughtful poem for humanity. you seem to have a gift for this type of pattern and put a lot of effort into your words.
"Religion is impersonal; does God certify any 'best'?"--I like this line. I believe we are all equal in his eyes, no "best" or "worst" just equal. I say well done.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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PROMOTE HUMANITY SERVE MANKIND BE HUMAN--another thoughtful poem for humanity. you seem to have a gift for this type of pattern and put a lot of effort into your words.
"Religion is impersonal; does God certify any 'best'?"--I like this line. I believe we are all equal in his eyes, no "best" or "worst" just equal. I say well done.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
-
thanks for nice review
Comment from Perp Ihebom
what a long piece of acrostic poetry. It must have been tedious to create words that will match with all the beginning alphabets. I also noticed that it is tedious to read because of the kind of expressions you used. I think you can improve the flow. well done
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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what a long piece of acrostic poetry. It must have been tedious to create words that will match with all the beginning alphabets. I also noticed that it is tedious to read because of the kind of expressions you used. I think you can improve the flow. well done
Comment Written 16-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
-
thanks for nice professional review
Comment from rama devi
I think you have a very unique mind and (probably--but I am not sure) a lot of depth in your ideas---However, if you want to share those ideas with general readers, the phrasing style needs to be tweaked.
As it is, it's grammatically off, supremely choppy and a huge challenge to read--like trailblazing through a jungle.
Most readers will not take time to try to understand, which is why (i think) it has only 19 reviews even though it offers such a high payout.
Promote humanity serve mankind be human
The opening line is clear and I agree...it's a nice theme!
However, the lack of punctuation makes it read awkwardly. Suggest:
Promote humanity, serve mankind--be human
These concepts are conveyed but they do not really fit in the same sentence and the wording is extremely awkward.
Ransack ne'er; regenerate, doesn't sunshine do ever?
The way this cadence feels, it would be more accurate and understandable like this;
Ransack ne'er;
regenerate--doesn't sunshine ever do this?
Love these concepts..and the examples of nature's nurture:
Orphan no child; does an animal leave such example?
Mortify never; do oceans displease anyone?
Over discrimination, does air blow indiscriminately?
Tax nothing immoral; does wind retire or tax you?
Energize others; doesn't moonlit softly care at all odds?
however, the spag and voicing makes it a chore to read. May I suggest an alternative (as an example):
Orphan no child. Do animals leave such examples?
Mortify never. Do oceans displease anyone?
Don't over-discriminate. Does air blow indiscriminately?
Tax nothing immoral. Does wind retire or tax you?
Energize others. Doesn't moonlight softly care at all odds?
Moonlit needs to be moonlight.
Also, the period is optional. A dash would work, too. The semicolon is not wrong, except in one line, but it is cluttered looking. Another option (if you decide to use line breaks to sculpt phrasing)
Orphan no child--
does an animal leave such example?
Mortify never--
do oceans displease anyone?
Don't over discriminate--
does air blow indiscriminately?
Tax nothing immoral--
does wind retire or tax you?
Energize others--
doesn't moonlight softly care at all odds?
Tweaking the poem so it is easier for readers to absorb would be ideal. That is the reason for all above alternative suggestions. of course, it is YOUR poem...but this is my review! :)
These lines do not make sense, consider revising:
Humanity, a harmonized living; doesn't rainbow show?
Underestimate race or religion; does sunray ever?
This section, like the above, is also hrd to digest as it is too densely voiced (and choppy)--it needs some breaths, in my opinion. It's also quite spaggy.
Manly live; does the Himalaya bow before anyone?
Ask, learn and develop; do clouds forget reforming?
Nepotism, favoritism, hypocrisy, did God Child show?
Immorality; did God or a Scripture teach you ever?
Tack honesty; do flowers fasten unoriginality?
You can be human; don't oceans grow civilization?
Some of the lines do not make sense, especially with the persistent reverse syntax phrasing style.
As selfless service is my main dedication in life, I love the meaning here:
Earmark service to international community like the sun
I understand the simile of the sun because it's one I've used in my own writing--the sun serves all selflessly and does not pick and chose to whom it showers light. However, a reader who has never thought of this might not understand the concept from the way you present it. It needs lucidity.
Again--I agree with these concepts (in the entire section below) but had to make an effort to understand and infer your meaning. It is not delivered clearly due to awkward phrasing style-
Religion is impersonal; does God certify any 'best'?
Vouch nothing selfishly; Let a dog, ant or pig do
Each humane service is part to your destined mission
Mankind can appreciate a service like Mother Nature
A personal possession's a bar; true dedication serves
No profit motive; does God love man on gain target?
Knowledge; wisdom helps; can a fool earn humanness?
Italian or American pride is personal; does God pat it?
No nationality; internationalism's the star God-faith
Divide and rule makes colonies; does God patronize it?
These ideas are shoved together too densely and not portrayed in a way that is digestible to readers...it's like shoving too much food int he mouth--difficult to either chew or swallow, let alone enjoy. These concepts are worthy communicating. I urge you to take the time to develop a poetic voice that is easier to absorb and not so choppy and not making up your own grammatical rules (unless you simply are unaware of grammar issues--in which case I strongly recommend studying it further so discipline can free you art to its fullest expression).
Like this word play-
Human, hue in a man;
Love the message:
Ultimate contribution like air served beyond color, sex
Man's human with global stand
We should serve all selflessly just as the sun does.
Nice thought! And this in depth critique is offered in exactly that spirit.
Namaste
Best wishes,
rd
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
|
I think you have a very unique mind and (probably--but I am not sure) a lot of depth in your ideas---However, if you want to share those ideas with general readers, the phrasing style needs to be tweaked.
As it is, it's grammatically off, supremely choppy and a huge challenge to read--like trailblazing through a jungle.
Most readers will not take time to try to understand, which is why (i think) it has only 19 reviews even though it offers such a high payout.
Promote humanity serve mankind be human
The opening line is clear and I agree...it's a nice theme!
However, the lack of punctuation makes it read awkwardly. Suggest:
Promote humanity, serve mankind--be human
These concepts are conveyed but they do not really fit in the same sentence and the wording is extremely awkward.
Ransack ne'er; regenerate, doesn't sunshine do ever?
The way this cadence feels, it would be more accurate and understandable like this;
Ransack ne'er;
regenerate--doesn't sunshine ever do this?
Love these concepts..and the examples of nature's nurture:
Orphan no child; does an animal leave such example?
Mortify never; do oceans displease anyone?
Over discrimination, does air blow indiscriminately?
Tax nothing immoral; does wind retire or tax you?
Energize others; doesn't moonlit softly care at all odds?
however, the spag and voicing makes it a chore to read. May I suggest an alternative (as an example):
Orphan no child. Do animals leave such examples?
Mortify never. Do oceans displease anyone?
Don't over-discriminate. Does air blow indiscriminately?
Tax nothing immoral. Does wind retire or tax you?
Energize others. Doesn't moonlight softly care at all odds?
Moonlit needs to be moonlight.
Also, the period is optional. A dash would work, too. The semicolon is not wrong, except in one line, but it is cluttered looking. Another option (if you decide to use line breaks to sculpt phrasing)
Orphan no child--
does an animal leave such example?
Mortify never--
do oceans displease anyone?
Don't over discriminate--
does air blow indiscriminately?
Tax nothing immoral--
does wind retire or tax you?
Energize others--
doesn't moonlight softly care at all odds?
Tweaking the poem so it is easier for readers to absorb would be ideal. That is the reason for all above alternative suggestions. of course, it is YOUR poem...but this is my review! :)
These lines do not make sense, consider revising:
Humanity, a harmonized living; doesn't rainbow show?
Underestimate race or religion; does sunray ever?
This section, like the above, is also hrd to digest as it is too densely voiced (and choppy)--it needs some breaths, in my opinion. It's also quite spaggy.
Manly live; does the Himalaya bow before anyone?
Ask, learn and develop; do clouds forget reforming?
Nepotism, favoritism, hypocrisy, did God Child show?
Immorality; did God or a Scripture teach you ever?
Tack honesty; do flowers fasten unoriginality?
You can be human; don't oceans grow civilization?
Some of the lines do not make sense, especially with the persistent reverse syntax phrasing style.
As selfless service is my main dedication in life, I love the meaning here:
Earmark service to international community like the sun
I understand the simile of the sun because it's one I've used in my own writing--the sun serves all selflessly and does not pick and chose to whom it showers light. However, a reader who has never thought of this might not understand the concept from the way you present it. It needs lucidity.
Again--I agree with these concepts (in the entire section below) but had to make an effort to understand and infer your meaning. It is not delivered clearly due to awkward phrasing style-
Religion is impersonal; does God certify any 'best'?
Vouch nothing selfishly; Let a dog, ant or pig do
Each humane service is part to your destined mission
Mankind can appreciate a service like Mother Nature
A personal possession's a bar; true dedication serves
No profit motive; does God love man on gain target?
Knowledge; wisdom helps; can a fool earn humanness?
Italian or American pride is personal; does God pat it?
No nationality; internationalism's the star God-faith
Divide and rule makes colonies; does God patronize it?
These ideas are shoved together too densely and not portrayed in a way that is digestible to readers...it's like shoving too much food int he mouth--difficult to either chew or swallow, let alone enjoy. These concepts are worthy communicating. I urge you to take the time to develop a poetic voice that is easier to absorb and not so choppy and not making up your own grammatical rules (unless you simply are unaware of grammar issues--in which case I strongly recommend studying it further so discipline can free you art to its fullest expression).
Like this word play-
Human, hue in a man;
Love the message:
Ultimate contribution like air served beyond color, sex
Man's human with global stand
We should serve all selflessly just as the sun does.
Nice thought! And this in depth critique is offered in exactly that spirit.
Namaste
Best wishes,
rd
Comment Written 16-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
-
thanks
Comment from Black_Oxygen
This narrative causes the reader to pause and think.
It speaks powerful truths on many levels. It
challenges the reader's comprehension and opinions.
Thank You for sharing.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
|
This narrative causes the reader to pause and think.
It speaks powerful truths on many levels. It
challenges the reader's comprehension and opinions.
Thank You for sharing.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
-
thanks for nice review
