Dr. Howler's Nightmares
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Eldorado Del Diaz"A collection of most unusual bedtime stories
9 total reviews
Comment from Julie Helms
This is a well-written story that intertwines a weather event with a premonition of a supernatural evil. The build up for the storm preparations also builds the tension for what it is that lurks within the heart of the storm.
Nicely done story.
Julie
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2024
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This is a well-written story that intertwines a weather event with a premonition of a supernatural evil. The build up for the storm preparations also builds the tension for what it is that lurks within the heart of the storm.
Nicely done story.
Julie
Comment Written 16-May-2024
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2024
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Appreciate your comments and the review.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
This is a very atmospheric story with an otherworldly quality about the approaching storm. When Manuel told Fernando about the omen of the storm, its darkness and sinister properties, Fernando was obliged to make a choice between being forever in dread of it or facing up to his worsts fears and surmounting them. He chose the latter. Well done and good luck with your creative and skilfully crafted story! Take care Debbie
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2024
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This is a very atmospheric story with an otherworldly quality about the approaching storm. When Manuel told Fernando about the omen of the storm, its darkness and sinister properties, Fernando was obliged to make a choice between being forever in dread of it or facing up to his worsts fears and surmounting them. He chose the latter. Well done and good luck with your creative and skilfully crafted story! Take care Debbie
Comment Written 15-May-2024
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2024
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Appreciate the comments and the review.
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer,
Your descriptive skills are superb. You truly give life to this storm and help me see what is happening. My issue is that nothing really happens. (Sorry.)
First, a couple of minor notes:
1.) a virescent green sky began to blanket
--> "virescent" - adjective: greenish
--> a (greenish) green sky began to blanket
2.) He asked the squall[ ], "Your tendrils wish
--> delete extra space
More detailed things:
3.) When we were at the shop, I had to think that any child growing up in this place would already know about those plantains, wouldn't they?
4.) When you begin to talk about Manuel, one of the first things you say is that he is a man of few words: "A man of few words, Manuel could not turn loose of the feelings the disturbance raged deep inside him."
--> But later in the piece we find him talking up a storm - no pun intended. He sets us up to think there will be otherworldly creatures arising from this thing.
5.) Fernando came to the lighthouse for safety - Manuel's message got to him. But he didn't try to pass it on to anyone in his family, etc. I found that a little odd -- or even Manuel, for that matter.
6.) For all Manuel's worry, nothing happened. The storm passed and all was well. There was an easy fix. You had created this big climatic moment.... and (sorry) there was a kind of letdown. Remember, when writing, you don't want to oversell what's coming. If anything, you want to underplay - always surprise your reader. Give them more than they expect -- never, ever less. Right?
You may have begun something that is just more than a short piece and needs a little more room to spread out and breathe a bit. I encourage you to think about what MIGHT have happened. What scary things could that storm have unleashed upon that community if you had given this story more space?
Let me know if you edit. Good luck!
reply by the author on 16-May-2024
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Dear Mystery Writer,
Your descriptive skills are superb. You truly give life to this storm and help me see what is happening. My issue is that nothing really happens. (Sorry.)
First, a couple of minor notes:
1.) a virescent green sky began to blanket
--> "virescent" - adjective: greenish
--> a (greenish) green sky began to blanket
2.) He asked the squall[ ], "Your tendrils wish
--> delete extra space
More detailed things:
3.) When we were at the shop, I had to think that any child growing up in this place would already know about those plantains, wouldn't they?
4.) When you begin to talk about Manuel, one of the first things you say is that he is a man of few words: "A man of few words, Manuel could not turn loose of the feelings the disturbance raged deep inside him."
--> But later in the piece we find him talking up a storm - no pun intended. He sets us up to think there will be otherworldly creatures arising from this thing.
5.) Fernando came to the lighthouse for safety - Manuel's message got to him. But he didn't try to pass it on to anyone in his family, etc. I found that a little odd -- or even Manuel, for that matter.
6.) For all Manuel's worry, nothing happened. The storm passed and all was well. There was an easy fix. You had created this big climatic moment.... and (sorry) there was a kind of letdown. Remember, when writing, you don't want to oversell what's coming. If anything, you want to underplay - always surprise your reader. Give them more than they expect -- never, ever less. Right?
You may have begun something that is just more than a short piece and needs a little more room to spread out and breathe a bit. I encourage you to think about what MIGHT have happened. What scary things could that storm have unleashed upon that community if you had given this story more space?
Let me know if you edit. Good luck!
Comment Written 15-May-2024
reply by the author on 16-May-2024
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Long time no hear from. Thought perhaps you left FanStory a while ago. Second place in the contest. Not too shabby for a piece of writing that obviously did not set well with you for whatever reason. Review acknowledged.
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Congrats!
Comment from joann r romei
This was great and a perfect story for the contest, I read it straight through, I enjoyed the details and the fact that the character survived the event, I am hesitant to move down south for fear of the weather,
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2024
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This was great and a perfect story for the contest, I read it straight through, I enjoyed the details and the fact that the character survived the event, I am hesitant to move down south for fear of the weather,
Comment Written 15-May-2024
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2024
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Appreciate the comments and the review.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
You're opening couple of paragraphs accompanied by this intense description put the reader in the right frame of mind to be affected as you hope they will be. I like your follow-through of the touch of supernatural which follows through the entire story:
He asked the squall , "Your tendrils wish to ensnare our villa do they not? Somehow, you must not be allowed to inflict the terror you seek." this is also a strong metaphor. It's excellent It's all I can say. A+
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2024
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You're opening couple of paragraphs accompanied by this intense description put the reader in the right frame of mind to be affected as you hope they will be. I like your follow-through of the touch of supernatural which follows through the entire story:
He asked the squall , "Your tendrils wish to ensnare our villa do they not? Somehow, you must not be allowed to inflict the terror you seek." this is also a strong metaphor. It's excellent It's all I can say. A+
Comment Written 14-May-2024
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2024
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Appreciate the comments and the review.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Your story was so enjoyable. I was drawn into the tension of the impending danger of the storm. The descriptions yo use create a sense of tension and do a great job of setting the stage for what is to come. The characters, particularly Manuel and Fernando, are well-developed and engaging. Manuel's ominous warnings and Fernando's courage in the face of danger was so enjoyable to read. Great job!
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2024
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Your story was so enjoyable. I was drawn into the tension of the impending danger of the storm. The descriptions yo use create a sense of tension and do a great job of setting the stage for what is to come. The characters, particularly Manuel and Fernando, are well-developed and engaging. Manuel's ominous warnings and Fernando's courage in the face of danger was so enjoyable to read. Great job!
Comment Written 14-May-2024
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2024
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Appreciate the comments and the review.
Comment from Julie G1
So well written. The writer has portrayed a great response to the topic, choosing an vivid word picture, concluding with a message of hope. This tale is very creative, and innovative answer to a prompt. Overall, worked well for this reader.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2024
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So well written. The writer has portrayed a great response to the topic, choosing an vivid word picture, concluding with a message of hope. This tale is very creative, and innovative answer to a prompt. Overall, worked well for this reader.
Comment Written 14-May-2024
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2024
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Appreciate the comments and the review.
Comment from RodG
I really like the build-up to the storm you describe. First the smells as Manuel the lighthouse keeper inhales them. You also do a good job of adding mystery to the boy's meeting the stranger (Manuel) in the market place and later feels compelled to join him at the lighthouse. The ending is anticlimactic as the storm comes and goes. Still, you held my interest throughout. Rod
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2024
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I really like the build-up to the storm you describe. First the smells as Manuel the lighthouse keeper inhales them. You also do a good job of adding mystery to the boy's meeting the stranger (Manuel) in the market place and later feels compelled to join him at the lighthouse. The ending is anticlimactic as the storm comes and goes. Still, you held my interest throughout. Rod
Comment Written 14-May-2024
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2024
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Appreciate the comments and the review.
Comment from Mymy Khan
Beautiful short story which is evocative of the uneasiness and palpable anxiety before a big storm. Rich vocabulary that enhances the descriptive elements. Good luck in the contest! Best regards,
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2024
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Beautiful short story which is evocative of the uneasiness and palpable anxiety before a big storm. Rich vocabulary that enhances the descriptive elements. Good luck in the contest! Best regards,
Comment Written 14-May-2024
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2024
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Appreciate the comments and the 4eview.
