The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "The Agonies of the Past"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
4 total reviews
Comment from hullabaloo22
I came upon this chapter in the 'Up Next' reviewing section so I was not familiar with what had come before. It really didn't matter, for the dark and disturbing descriptions dragged me right into the story, and I could sense Ilati's horror at all she saw.
Wonderful writing.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2024
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I came upon this chapter in the 'Up Next' reviewing section so I was not familiar with what had come before. It really didn't matter, for the dark and disturbing descriptions dragged me right into the story, and I could sense Ilati's horror at all she saw.
Wonderful writing.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2024
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing, especially for giving it a chance without knowing the story. I?m glad it came out as horrible as intended. It was meant to be a heavy chapter. I really appreciate your time and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your weekend.
Comment from patcelaw
This is a very well written story your sentence structure, and your paragraphing is excellent. I wish you the very best with all of your writing, and I especially wish you the very best in the contest that you enter, Patricia
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2024
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This is a very well written story your sentence structure, and your paragraphing is excellent. I wish you the very best with all of your writing, and I especially wish you the very best in the contest that you enter, Patricia
Comment Written 04-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2024
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate your time and kind words. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Great job! I was pulled into the story. This chapter is incredibly rich in detail and emotion. The descriptions are excellent. The haunting presence of the dead create quite the atmosphere! The writing is excellent. The characters are complex and engaging. But most of all your story is filled with tension and emotion. I'm eagerly anticipating what will happen next!
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2024
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Great job! I was pulled into the story. This chapter is incredibly rich in detail and emotion. The descriptions are excellent. The haunting presence of the dead create quite the atmosphere! The writing is excellent. The characters are complex and engaging. But most of all your story is filled with tension and emotion. I'm eagerly anticipating what will happen next!
Comment Written 04-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2024
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate the feedback and I'm glad it's coming out well. It was meant to be a heavier, more emotional chapter, so I'm grateful that came across. I really appreciate your time and I hope you have a wonderful week.
Comment from Faith Williams
Incredible descriptions, K! Your use of strong verbs brings those pictures immediately to my mind. (I think I say this every time, but you are excellent at this!) The details of this horrific scene are brilliantly executed. Your scene haunts and enthralls me, and I always want more!
Suggestions to consider:
'She (had) to find Roshanak in this place and retrieve her... ' Maybe switch out 'had' with 'needed'.
'The statues of Zu seemed larger than she remembered here, looming, the goddess's serene smile transmuted into a twisted parody of rapturous joy, as if every death here was a sacrifice to her as well.' I think switching this sentence around might help, 'The statues of Zu loomed larger than she remembered... ' Loomed is a stronger verb than seemed, and readers will still get the meaning with 'than she remembered'.
"We (have to) leave this place." Maybe switch to 'must'?
'The shade's grip (seemed to tighten) on Roshanak.' I think switching this phrase to 'tightened' might be better.
'The vision (all) around them started to shift... ' I think you could delete the word 'all' here.
The priestess hit the ground on her knees,
'When Ilati managed to recollect her senses and look around again, she saw her friends and the crown prince of Sarru as pale as ghosts.' Maybe tighten this sentence a little bit: 'When Ilati managed to recollect her senses, she observed her friends and the crown prince of Sarru as pale as ghosts.'
'Ilati covered the burns on her arm with one hand and struggled (up) to her feet with what little strength she had left.' I think you could delete 'up' here.
'Eigou (looked down) at Ilati's arm.' Maybe switch out this phrase for a stronger verb: studied, examined, inspected.
"Buried, with all its beloved dead," Ilati (said quietly). This phrase is used a few times. Maybe switch this one out to 'murmured'?
'Eigou said, tapping (gently)... ' The word 'gently' is repeated a few times. Maybe switch this one out to 'softly' or 'gingerly'?
I am so enjoying this book, and I eagerly anticipate the next chapter.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2024
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Incredible descriptions, K! Your use of strong verbs brings those pictures immediately to my mind. (I think I say this every time, but you are excellent at this!) The details of this horrific scene are brilliantly executed. Your scene haunts and enthralls me, and I always want more!
Suggestions to consider:
'She (had) to find Roshanak in this place and retrieve her... ' Maybe switch out 'had' with 'needed'.
'The statues of Zu seemed larger than she remembered here, looming, the goddess's serene smile transmuted into a twisted parody of rapturous joy, as if every death here was a sacrifice to her as well.' I think switching this sentence around might help, 'The statues of Zu loomed larger than she remembered... ' Loomed is a stronger verb than seemed, and readers will still get the meaning with 'than she remembered'.
"We (have to) leave this place." Maybe switch to 'must'?
'The shade's grip (seemed to tighten) on Roshanak.' I think switching this phrase to 'tightened' might be better.
'The vision (all) around them started to shift... ' I think you could delete the word 'all' here.
The priestess hit the ground on her knees,
'When Ilati managed to recollect her senses and look around again, she saw her friends and the crown prince of Sarru as pale as ghosts.' Maybe tighten this sentence a little bit: 'When Ilati managed to recollect her senses, she observed her friends and the crown prince of Sarru as pale as ghosts.'
'Ilati covered the burns on her arm with one hand and struggled (up) to her feet with what little strength she had left.' I think you could delete 'up' here.
'Eigou (looked down) at Ilati's arm.' Maybe switch out this phrase for a stronger verb: studied, examined, inspected.
"Buried, with all its beloved dead," Ilati (said quietly). This phrase is used a few times. Maybe switch this one out to 'murmured'?
'Eigou said, tapping (gently)... ' The word 'gently' is repeated a few times. Maybe switch this one out to 'softly' or 'gingerly'?
I am so enjoying this book, and I eagerly anticipate the next chapter.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2024
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, and taking the time to offer corrections. I'm adding them to the list I have for when I revise the draft. I am incredibly grateful that you take the time to tell me where I can tighten things up and I'm glad you're enjoying the story. I hope you have a wonderful week and thank you again.
