Elementals (Preface) Part I
An excerpt from the Preface7 total reviews
Comment from Nicki Nance
Well done. My favorite feature of this excerpt is the rich imagery, particularly as it relates to fatigue. I felt like I was trudging along with them. Thanks for the good read.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2024
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Well done. My favorite feature of this excerpt is the rich imagery, particularly as it relates to fatigue. I felt like I was trudging along with them. Thanks for the good read.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2024
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Thank you for you inspiring sentiments. I hope Part II will draw the same responses. Again, thank you.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
This is absolutely brimming with imaginative detail forming the basis of your fantasy fiction. But in your confusion over what tense to use, the story loses its way a bit and is difficult to follow. It might help to make your author's notes a little fuller so that the characters are easily identified and the reader has a focus. There's punctuation and also edits needed: being force(d) to step over the remains of his countrymen..; his brother (who) stood a close pace in front of him; resolve to not be erase(d). I've not changed any tense which you need to decide upon yourself. There's so much potential here in the momentum and excitement of this story that I don't want to rate you down. But this needs a much closer proof read so that all your hard work isn't wasted. Good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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This is absolutely brimming with imaginative detail forming the basis of your fantasy fiction. But in your confusion over what tense to use, the story loses its way a bit and is difficult to follow. It might help to make your author's notes a little fuller so that the characters are easily identified and the reader has a focus. There's punctuation and also edits needed: being force(d) to step over the remains of his countrymen..; his brother (who) stood a close pace in front of him; resolve to not be erase(d). I've not changed any tense which you need to decide upon yourself. There's so much potential here in the momentum and excitement of this story that I don't want to rate you down. But this needs a much closer proof read so that all your hard work isn't wasted. Good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 26-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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Hi Debbie, I thought those changes were update. I will take a look. The preface is meant to be in present tense. **Plot reveal** the action should appear as if someone was reliving the events over and over, always at the present time. Thank you so much for taking the time to read it. Oh! congratulations on your recent contest entry.
Comment from lancellot
I think you have a good story premise but there is so much editing, tense, sentence and paragraph errors that it takes away from the story.
I strongly suggest revisions, with a focus on: Deciding if this is past or present told story. Paragraph structure. you want to focus on one character per paragraph, if they are speaking or acting.
Also, it is wise to have a solid editing program that you always use and have confidence in.
notes:
The battle lay at its near end as Lord General Gratis Ardor {approach} the high priest temple.
-approaches
Lightning and flame bolting from the temple battlements and the trenches below.
-incomplete sentence
Gratis {emerge} cautiously through the screams of scarlet and blue flashes that began to {cease} from the temple walls.
-emerges or emerged
-ease or seep
His armor {encrust} with the residue of war as he began scanning the field before him, strewn with the corpses of those who lie perishing in their attempt to ascend the steep slope towards the local flame temple.
-was encrusted
-This is a run-on sentence and there are tense issues.
so many willing to sacrifice themselves to seize a madman {consume} with his own genius.
-consumed
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
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I think you have a good story premise but there is so much editing, tense, sentence and paragraph errors that it takes away from the story.
I strongly suggest revisions, with a focus on: Deciding if this is past or present told story. Paragraph structure. you want to focus on one character per paragraph, if they are speaking or acting.
Also, it is wise to have a solid editing program that you always use and have confidence in.
notes:
The battle lay at its near end as Lord General Gratis Ardor {approach} the high priest temple.
-approaches
Lightning and flame bolting from the temple battlements and the trenches below.
-incomplete sentence
Gratis {emerge} cautiously through the screams of scarlet and blue flashes that began to {cease} from the temple walls.
-emerges or emerged
-ease or seep
His armor {encrust} with the residue of war as he began scanning the field before him, strewn with the corpses of those who lie perishing in their attempt to ascend the steep slope towards the local flame temple.
-was encrusted
-This is a run-on sentence and there are tense issues.
so many willing to sacrifice themselves to seize a madman {consume} with his own genius.
-consumed
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
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Thank you so much for the review. I was notified earlier that I had some tense confusion. The preface was meant to be written in present form not past to support a plot reveal later in late chapters. I made corrections for this portion and must correct the other three before I post them. The preface is in four parts. again, thank you so much for the review and the time out of your day to read it.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
You have good action, and set the readers up for exciting times. It wasn't until late in the piece that I clearly saw that you intended the writing to be in past tense. I sincerely hope that these suggestions do not offend. My intention is to help your writing be more clear to the reader.
The battle lay at its near end as Lord General Gratis Ardor approach the high priest temple - (approached, or approaches)
Lightning and flame bolting... - (bolted, or bolts)
Gratis emerge cautiously... - (emerged, or emerges)
Gratis slightly stumbling his way... - (stumbled, or stumbles)
...as their defiant war leader lie ... - Here, I'm confused whether the defiant leader is laying before them, or exactly what he is doing.
...interrupted and out staged ... - maybe up-staged?
...the rightful heir to the Phoenix throne and brother to Lord General Eridanus Aster ... - It needs another comma after 'Aster'.
...but express little patience for trivial matters, allow the boisterous sibling to take his stage. - As above, depending on whether you are writing in the present or past tense, 'express and 'allow' should be 'expresses or expressed' and 'allows or allowed'.
Divus reposition himself to the other side of his steed he led, - Same as above for reposition. You don't need 'he led'.
As Divus turn to look back ... - (turns or turned)
...just a puppet remain... - (remains or remained)
Divus body became motionless - Here, you indicate that you want the piece to be in past tense, which dictates all the above decisions.
...fighting with all his resolve to not be erase; - (fought)
...and suddenly falling to one knee. Eridanus noticing this yell to him,... (fell, noticed)
..."Brother..." as he rush to assist. - (rushed)
Divus waving away his advance and giving back a cruel, - (waved, gave)
...would not soon be expose. - (exposed)
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
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You have good action, and set the readers up for exciting times. It wasn't until late in the piece that I clearly saw that you intended the writing to be in past tense. I sincerely hope that these suggestions do not offend. My intention is to help your writing be more clear to the reader.
The battle lay at its near end as Lord General Gratis Ardor approach the high priest temple - (approached, or approaches)
Lightning and flame bolting... - (bolted, or bolts)
Gratis emerge cautiously... - (emerged, or emerges)
Gratis slightly stumbling his way... - (stumbled, or stumbles)
...as their defiant war leader lie ... - Here, I'm confused whether the defiant leader is laying before them, or exactly what he is doing.
...interrupted and out staged ... - maybe up-staged?
...the rightful heir to the Phoenix throne and brother to Lord General Eridanus Aster ... - It needs another comma after 'Aster'.
...but express little patience for trivial matters, allow the boisterous sibling to take his stage. - As above, depending on whether you are writing in the present or past tense, 'express and 'allow' should be 'expresses or expressed' and 'allows or allowed'.
Divus reposition himself to the other side of his steed he led, - Same as above for reposition. You don't need 'he led'.
As Divus turn to look back ... - (turns or turned)
...just a puppet remain... - (remains or remained)
Divus body became motionless - Here, you indicate that you want the piece to be in past tense, which dictates all the above decisions.
...fighting with all his resolve to not be erase; - (fought)
...and suddenly falling to one knee. Eridanus noticing this yell to him,... (fell, noticed)
..."Brother..." as he rush to assist. - (rushed)
Divus waving away his advance and giving back a cruel, - (waved, gave)
...would not soon be expose. - (exposed)
Best wishes.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
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Thank you so much for the review. Actually, I meant it to be present tense due to the events **plot reveal warning** are in a loop later revealed in the book. The magics used and a mirror, along with other reveals won't come together until the end. I will re-look at the tense to ensure that there is no confusion. It was supposed to all be in the present as someone looking into the mirror past. Thank you again for the review and advice. I'll try to update that as soon as possible.
Comment from karenina
Much better in length...and giving good insight as to introductions and what may come next...
I still would recommend paragraphs to break up the "linear" and unending passage.
The eyes need a reason to pause and reflect.
In this way, we naturally take a "beat" to consume and digest what we've just read ~ and this keeps us engaged.
Karenina
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
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Much better in length...and giving good insight as to introductions and what may come next...
I still would recommend paragraphs to break up the "linear" and unending passage.
The eyes need a reason to pause and reflect.
In this way, we naturally take a "beat" to consume and digest what we've just read ~ and this keeps us engaged.
Karenina
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
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Thank you so much for your advice. I will try to incorporate that in the next installment. I tried some of the things with this one but when it copied over it went to that format. I did what I could with the editing from the platform. Thank you for your help.
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That sounds familiar. Often when you cut and paste you lose all formatting and have to go in on FS "Advanced Editor" and recreate your paragraphs and line breaks.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
The battle lay at its near end as Lord General Gratis Ardor approach the high priest temple. - approach should be either approaches or approached depending on tense.
His armor covered in the residue - should probably have 'was' before covered otherwise it reads awkwardly and fragmented.
Generally the tenses need a little work here as it reads quite awkwardly and skips between present and past.
there's nice world-building at play and good introduction to character though.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
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Hi there,
The battle lay at its near end as Lord General Gratis Ardor approach the high priest temple. - approach should be either approaches or approached depending on tense.
His armor covered in the residue - should probably have 'was' before covered otherwise it reads awkwardly and fragmented.
Generally the tenses need a little work here as it reads quite awkwardly and skips between present and past.
there's nice world-building at play and good introduction to character though.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
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Thank you so much for the correction. I posted a different version. Please feel free to mark mistakes you notice. Thank you for the time you spent to read through it.
Comment from royowen
When I was younger I loved science fiction,, but also science fantasy in lands that took me away from the mundane, into the realm of warriors, nobles conquering Kings and princess and mythical creatures, well done, great write, blessings Roy
Typo : being force(d) to
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
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When I was younger I loved science fiction,, but also science fantasy in lands that took me away from the mundane, into the realm of warriors, nobles conquering Kings and princess and mythical creatures, well done, great write, blessings Roy
Typo : being force(d) to
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
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Well, sir there were mistakes with that version. I had to re-post with one that didn't drift between tense. Thank you so much for your kind words and part two of the preface will be posted soon. Again, thank you.
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Well done
