Tango to the Stars
A Haibun21 total reviews
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello,
I like your story about tango, is such a sensual dance. Good choice. The presentation is nice.
I like haibun and I have written quite a few.
Your prose didn't flow very well there's room for improvement.
The writing is a series of short sentences and phrases. Your senryu is not connected grammatically.
In haibun the haiku or senryu relates to the prose without repeating but carrying the prose forward for a deeper meaning.
The length is a bit long, the haiku is usually at the beginning or the end. Having it in the middle it's only relating to half of your prose.
Over all you did a good job.
My recommendation is to go over the prose and work on the flow of sentences and phrases.
The senryu needs flow improvement too.
What I mean.... you can put it in your own words.
your hand lay(s) in mine
(and) I love you even more -I have all I need
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Hello,
I like your story about tango, is such a sensual dance. Good choice. The presentation is nice.
I like haibun and I have written quite a few.
Your prose didn't flow very well there's room for improvement.
The writing is a series of short sentences and phrases. Your senryu is not connected grammatically.
In haibun the haiku or senryu relates to the prose without repeating but carrying the prose forward for a deeper meaning.
The length is a bit long, the haiku is usually at the beginning or the end. Having it in the middle it's only relating to half of your prose.
Over all you did a good job.
My recommendation is to go over the prose and work on the flow of sentences and phrases.
The senryu needs flow improvement too.
What I mean.... you can put it in your own words.
your hand lay(s) in mine
(and) I love you even more -I have all I need
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2024
Comment from Sally Law
This is grand and rather hot, again! What have you been up to lately? Dancing With The Stars contestant?
This is awesome. My only critique us this: haibun is considered poetry. I know, I know, it's prose and poetry. Nevertheless, it should be formatted as a poem. It's looks really nice when completed, and the haiku is more eye-catching. It's the best of both worlds for someone that writes both prose and poetry. I call it, the perfect poem.
This is grand for your ranking in the short story category though, so I wouldn't worry about it. Enjoy all your stars! I wish I had a six today. I seem to have run out quickly this week.
Sending you my best today as always.
Sal :))
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This is grand and rather hot, again! What have you been up to lately? Dancing With The Stars contestant?
This is awesome. My only critique us this: haibun is considered poetry. I know, I know, it's prose and poetry. Nevertheless, it should be formatted as a poem. It's looks really nice when completed, and the haiku is more eye-catching. It's the best of both worlds for someone that writes both prose and poetry. I call it, the perfect poem.
This is grand for your ranking in the short story category though, so I wouldn't worry about it. Enjoy all your stars! I wish I had a six today. I seem to have run out quickly this week.
Sending you my best today as always.
Sal :))
Comment Written 27-Mar-2024
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Per your accompanying description of a haibun, you have written the perfect example. Nice work.
So, did they meet (for the first time) on this occasion? Is this part of a larger project? Probably not, since we don't know their names.
Best wishes.
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Per your accompanying description of a haibun, you have written the perfect example. Nice work.
So, did they meet (for the first time) on this occasion? Is this part of a larger project? Probably not, since we don't know their names.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2024
Comment from Jodi Ann Anderson
This story is so descriptive of a short moment in time. I can vividly see what is going on in this as I read it. The end is a perfect finish to the story, and makes it even more enjoyable. I love it!
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This story is so descriptive of a short moment in time. I can vividly see what is going on in this as I read it. The end is a perfect finish to the story, and makes it even more enjoyable. I love it!
Comment Written 26-Mar-2024
Comment from LJbutterfly
Tango to the Stars is a vivid and compelling story told in graphic descriptive terms. You provide enough information that the reader can easily envision the characters, see their movements, and almost hear the music they dance to; This brief story is delightful and entertaining.
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Tango to the Stars is a vivid and compelling story told in graphic descriptive terms. You provide enough information that the reader can easily envision the characters, see their movements, and almost hear the music they dance to; This brief story is delightful and entertaining.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
Comment from LateBloomer
Hi John, good descriptive writing. As I recall, the guy who can dance gets all of the girls. Of special note:
You spin. You lift. You dip. You Argentine kick. Your palm runs up her thigh. Her waist. Her arm, until... Your fingertips brush her cheek. Lips touch. Breath hot. Hearts beat. Rapid fire...
(I can see it, and I can hear the music that isn't there. It's amazing how a little alcohol can enhance the night.)
This is a fun, ooh-la-la story. Great graphics. Well done. Margaret
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Hi John, good descriptive writing. As I recall, the guy who can dance gets all of the girls. Of special note:
You spin. You lift. You dip. You Argentine kick. Your palm runs up her thigh. Her waist. Her arm, until... Your fingertips brush her cheek. Lips touch. Breath hot. Hearts beat. Rapid fire...
(I can see it, and I can hear the music that isn't there. It's amazing how a little alcohol can enhance the night.)
This is a fun, ooh-la-la story. Great graphics. Well done. Margaret
Comment Written 24-Mar-2024
Comment from BethShelby
I haven't seen you write a love story before or a Haibun. She sounds like qute a gal and I sure a lot of men would feel tongue-tied and feel like he was on his first day around. She seems quite willing however. Nicely written and well illustrated.
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I haven't seen you write a love story before or a Haibun. She sounds like qute a gal and I sure a lot of men would feel tongue-tied and feel like he was on his first day around. She seems quite willing however. Nicely written and well illustrated.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2024
Comment from jessizero
Your descriptions were great. I like that you told the story from that specific point-of-view. You don't see that often. Thank you for sharing once again, and, as always, best wishes to you.
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Your descriptions were great. I like that you told the story from that specific point-of-view. You don't see that often. Thank you for sharing once again, and, as always, best wishes to you.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2024
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this Haibun with us. I think the poem part needs to be more pronounced. I had to go back and search for it, but I'm not a poet, so I could be wrong.
She's next to you. (She's beside you.)
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Thank you for sharing this Haibun with us. I think the poem part needs to be more pronounced. I had to go back and search for it, but I'm not a poet, so I could be wrong.
She's next to you. (She's beside you.)
Comment Written 24-Mar-2024
Comment from Begin Again
Fantastic! You took the reader on a passionate and romantic ride without being explicit... it was so enjoyable to read. My heart was dancing along with every step they took. I am sorry to say I can not speak about the technical aspects because this was new to me...but I loved it. Great job!
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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Fantastic! You took the reader on a passionate and romantic ride without being explicit... it was so enjoyable to read. My heart was dancing along with every step they took. I am sorry to say I can not speak about the technical aspects because this was new to me...but I loved it. Great job!
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 24-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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Carol, thank you for this great review. Even though you are not familiar with the style, I appreciated your honesty.
