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Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Paco Sanchez"2nd Place Finish
9 total reviews
Comment from Soledadpaz
Love the tag line!
A little unclear how Morgan knows that he could barely see over the steering wheel. Was he chasing him in the car?
The rest of the chase seems to be on foot. Was it on foot from the beginning? Or did they both leave their cars and the chase continued on foot?
Re 'Bato.' It seems to be a form of address, Spanish slang. If so, it's Vato.
Spelling: pobrecito
Suggest revise: 'heroin needles' to heroin syringes. 'Needle' makes it appear that he is picking up and pocketing an uncapped needle.
For emphasis, suggest italicize 'you' in: Did you kill my whores?
Suggest: . . . turned to leave (as) the man called after him
Suggest: Morgan (had) made it halfway across . . .
Double R in pelirroja
Perhaps: A couple of kicks to the gut made him drop to the floor again.
To show that he received the kicks.
Suggest: . . . the kind of heat (that) killing a cop . . .
Since Hugo is Paco's subordinate, I assume since he is taking orders from Paco, suggest the informal: (tu) mente.
Another excellent dialogue exchange. I can see the entire scene playing like in a movie.
Sol
(btw, I'm a retired RN and the thought of him putting an uncapped needle in his pocket made me go, No, Morgan, no! LOL! Spanish is my mother tongue, as they say. Though my brain is wired in English. Or should I say: rewired?)
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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Love the tag line!
A little unclear how Morgan knows that he could barely see over the steering wheel. Was he chasing him in the car?
The rest of the chase seems to be on foot. Was it on foot from the beginning? Or did they both leave their cars and the chase continued on foot?
Re 'Bato.' It seems to be a form of address, Spanish slang. If so, it's Vato.
Spelling: pobrecito
Suggest revise: 'heroin needles' to heroin syringes. 'Needle' makes it appear that he is picking up and pocketing an uncapped needle.
For emphasis, suggest italicize 'you' in: Did you kill my whores?
Suggest: . . . turned to leave (as) the man called after him
Suggest: Morgan (had) made it halfway across . . .
Double R in pelirroja
Perhaps: A couple of kicks to the gut made him drop to the floor again.
To show that he received the kicks.
Suggest: . . . the kind of heat (that) killing a cop . . .
Since Hugo is Paco's subordinate, I assume since he is taking orders from Paco, suggest the informal: (tu) mente.
Another excellent dialogue exchange. I can see the entire scene playing like in a movie.
Sol
(btw, I'm a retired RN and the thought of him putting an uncapped needle in his pocket made me go, No, Morgan, no! LOL! Spanish is my mother tongue, as they say. Though my brain is wired in English. Or should I say: rewired?)
Comment Written 12-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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Thanks, Sol. Four of my children are half-Hispanic and I am fluent speaking Spanish although I can not write it at all. So, i really appreciate the help!
D
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Oh wow, this is great stuff, Doug! The dialogue is superb and the reader is instantly immersed into a situation of danger. In fact, I thought it would be Morgan giving Paco a slap, he was being goaded so much! The violence was palpable and the threat now hanging over Morgan is deeply worrying. I like how this is going, Doug. There are some edits: "His brown leather jacket seem(ed) at odds"; "You (were) on my heels.."; "I bet the guy (whose) Lincoln you totaled could(n't?) care less"; But an excellent read! Debbie
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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Oh wow, this is great stuff, Doug! The dialogue is superb and the reader is instantly immersed into a situation of danger. In fact, I thought it would be Morgan giving Paco a slap, he was being goaded so much! The violence was palpable and the threat now hanging over Morgan is deeply worrying. I like how this is going, Doug. There are some edits: "His brown leather jacket seem(ed) at odds"; "You (were) on my heels.."; "I bet the guy (whose) Lincoln you totaled could(n't?) care less"; But an excellent read! Debbie
Comment Written 11-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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Thanks, Debbie! This is my favorite chapter so far.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
I don't know what the secret it, you didn't tell us. I don't know how you keep all these balls up in the air anyway. You are Amazing friend. Just make sure you don't try to answer all the questions right at the end.
We might revolt! hahaha Karen
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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I don't know what the secret it, you didn't tell us. I don't know how you keep all these balls up in the air anyway. You are Amazing friend. Just make sure you don't try to answer all the questions right at the end.
We might revolt! hahaha Karen
Comment Written 11-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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Looks like I got you on the hook. Now I?m a gonna real you in real slow like?..
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go ahead reel.........
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Tee hee
Comment from Tom Horonzy
I don't know why the extra star, you're not even posting a generous reward. Is this criminal a new desperado in your sage, or has senility caught up with me? I feel as I have entered a rabbit hole and there is no room to turn about.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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I don't know why the extra star, you're not even posting a generous reward. Is this criminal a new desperado in your sage, or has senility caught up with me? I feel as I have entered a rabbit hole and there is no room to turn about.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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The ending to this will be a WTF! If I can pull off what I plan to write.
I think you may have given me that extra shiny star because we are pals. Just a hunch! Plus you have reinvigorated me to finish this writing marathon contest.
Douglas
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Atta boy. Go get them.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Paco - I understand the reason for the name. This is a really good post. Morgan is in trouble again. I do hope he gets his act together. He's really a likable person. If you're planning on publishing this novelette when it's completed, you'll want to include the translations right after the Hispanic words or have it repeated in English with the next dialogue. I learned that the hard way. LO
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2024
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Paco - I understand the reason for the name. This is a really good post. Morgan is in trouble again. I do hope he gets his act together. He's really a likable person. If you're planning on publishing this novelette when it's completed, you'll want to include the translations right after the Hispanic words or have it repeated in English with the next dialogue. I learned that the hard way. LO
Comment Written 10-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2024
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Ahhh. Yes, nice tip. I think it is okay for here ?
Comment from Terry Broxson
Paco makes a good point. Why would he kill the golden goose? The key to the murders is the motive. Why does someone want them dead? That is the question. Terry.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2024
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Paco makes a good point. Why would he kill the golden goose? The key to the murders is the motive. Why does someone want them dead? That is the question. Terry.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2024
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Yes, Sir! You are in the right path!!!
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Your rewrites worked. (Now you need to do some majic on your 'Author's Notes'. (smiley face here)
This is great plot movement, getting Morgan deeper and deeper.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2024
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Your rewrites worked. (Now you need to do some majic on your 'Author's Notes'. (smiley face here)
This is great plot movement, getting Morgan deeper and deeper.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2024
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Not sure why it adds all those symbols. Eeeeesh!
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Not Word friendly. They fix easily enough. You just have to go into edit mode and type in whatever got garbled - like all the special characters.
Comment from Julie Helms
Uh-oh. What's the secret? Banging hookers on duty? Stealing the money? Good mystery and tension!
Any other 'donut-eater' would have give up (given)
but I'm here to talk about ((some some)) new shit."
Also, I know you're doing a good job, because I feel bad for Morgan despite his 'flaws'.
Julie :-)
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2024
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Uh-oh. What's the secret? Banging hookers on duty? Stealing the money? Good mystery and tension!
Any other 'donut-eater' would have give up (given)
but I'm here to talk about ((some some)) new shit."
Also, I know you're doing a good job, because I feel bad for Morgan despite his 'flaws'.
Julie :-)
Comment Written 10-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2024
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Looks like I got the tension I was after! Bigger secret than the Kelly thing as it seems everyone knows about the money. Hmmmmm.
You are such a big help. Thank you!
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
This chapter has such tension. Morgan's disdain for Paco Sanchez and the tension - well you can feel it between them. The dialogue is excellent. Sounds so real. The violence at the end adds a twist to the encounter. You left me wanting to find out what happens next! Very well written and an enjoyable story.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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This chapter has such tension. Morgan's disdain for Paco Sanchez and the tension - well you can feel it between them. The dialogue is excellent. Sounds so real. The violence at the end adds a twist to the encounter. You left me wanting to find out what happens next! Very well written and an enjoyable story.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2024
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Thank you, Michael. This thirty chapters in thirty days is a stretch!
