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Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Tamra Burns"2nd Place Finish
6 total reviews
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
He really is heavily faulted isn't he? A sex addict, alcoholic, thief... Your chapter builds towards that inevitable move on his sister-in-law. He simply has no boundaries. Well expressed and an enjoyable read. Take care Debbie
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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He really is heavily faulted isn't he? A sex addict, alcoholic, thief... Your chapter builds towards that inevitable move on his sister-in-law. He simply has no boundaries. Well expressed and an enjoyable read. Take care Debbie
Comment Written 06-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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Thanks, Debbie. So far so good. I have a feeling Detective Harper hasn?t hit the bottom yet. Ha!
Comment from Soledadpaz
Typo: UTthis, second paragraph.
Tamra Namra. Laugh out loud funny!
Witty comeback: "A match that burnt out."
For clarity, suggest: Once they finished eating, or once they finished dinner
Suggest revise sentence by deleting "then asked." Perhaps: (When) they finished (eating), he helped clear the table and load the dishwasher.
Next para: So what'd you want to talk about?
We are still in Morgan's head so no dialogue tag needed, but perhaps give him a beat to show how uncomfortable he is asking that. Maybe he's gripping the dish towel. Maybe he breaks out in a sweat.
Suggest delete: "Once they were sitting." It's a second use of "once" in close proximity, and reader knows they are heading to the couch to sit.
Typo? "hands" Is the glass of whiskey sitting on the table or is he holding it? If so, she can only be holding one hand.
Ok, that's a surprise! He admits he took the money.
Suggest revise: crystal decanter on the coffee table. Reader can deduce she placed it there.
Sounds like Tamra is too much into Morgan's business. Interesting.
Suggest delete: looking. He squeezed his eyes shut like a child.
OMG, what a reveal. It's his wife's twin. Identical?
Suggest: began to pull (up) her cumbersome red party dress exposing . .
Maybe exclamation point? I'm Tamra!
Perhaps reconsider "the sobbing woman." It sort of distances the reader after the reader has been allowed a peak into Tamra's world. Perhaps: Sobbing, she made her way to her bedroom . . .
Suggest revise: He grabbed his glass and downed the whiskey, then let himself out.
Good chapter! Lot's happening.
Sol
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2024
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Typo: UTthis, second paragraph.
Tamra Namra. Laugh out loud funny!
Witty comeback: "A match that burnt out."
For clarity, suggest: Once they finished eating, or once they finished dinner
Suggest revise sentence by deleting "then asked." Perhaps: (When) they finished (eating), he helped clear the table and load the dishwasher.
Next para: So what'd you want to talk about?
We are still in Morgan's head so no dialogue tag needed, but perhaps give him a beat to show how uncomfortable he is asking that. Maybe he's gripping the dish towel. Maybe he breaks out in a sweat.
Suggest delete: "Once they were sitting." It's a second use of "once" in close proximity, and reader knows they are heading to the couch to sit.
Typo? "hands" Is the glass of whiskey sitting on the table or is he holding it? If so, she can only be holding one hand.
Ok, that's a surprise! He admits he took the money.
Suggest revise: crystal decanter on the coffee table. Reader can deduce she placed it there.
Sounds like Tamra is too much into Morgan's business. Interesting.
Suggest delete: looking. He squeezed his eyes shut like a child.
OMG, what a reveal. It's his wife's twin. Identical?
Suggest: began to pull (up) her cumbersome red party dress exposing . .
Maybe exclamation point? I'm Tamra!
Perhaps reconsider "the sobbing woman." It sort of distances the reader after the reader has been allowed a peak into Tamra's world. Perhaps: Sobbing, she made her way to her bedroom . . .
Suggest revise: He grabbed his glass and downed the whiskey, then let himself out.
Good chapter! Lot's happening.
Sol
Comment Written 06-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2024
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Okay, all caught up! More great assists. I wish I could nominate you again. I really appreciate the assistance. Also the sixer! Thank you so much, Sol!
Comment from Terry Broxson
Oh, the twin sister thing, I didn't see that coming, unless I missed earlier. And he did take the money, moving along now. Douglas, look at the first word in the second paragraph, looks like a typo.
I like the list of the characters. Good work. Terry.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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Oh, the twin sister thing, I didn't see that coming, unless I missed earlier. And he did take the money, moving along now. Douglas, look at the first word in the second paragraph, looks like a typo.
I like the list of the characters. Good work. Terry.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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That was supposed to be a surprise. Looks like it worked! Thank you for the list suggestion as well as the typo catch. You da man!
D
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Nice writing.
UThis brought an immediate frown - oops
So Tamra obviously would have fine with anything that happened until Morgan said Debra?
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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Nice writing.
UThis brought an immediate frown - oops
So Tamra obviously would have fine with anything that happened until Morgan said Debra?
Best wishes.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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Looks like Tamra digs him, but no woman likes to be called by another?s name. Ha! Thanks for that typo.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
This is getting a bit nasty. But I will keep reading as long as you keep writing. Have a good week. Good writing here. I am writing more children's stories. Karen :-)
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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This is getting a bit nasty. But I will keep reading as long as you keep writing. Have a good week. Good writing here. I am writing more children's stories. Karen :-)
Comment Written 06-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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Yes. This one is a lot more graphic than my usual writes. Seriously, hon, you don?t have to read this if it?s too rough. I will start putting
GRAPHIC CHAPTER
If it?s going to be heavy sex/violence.
I appreciate you very much and our friendship has nothing to do with you reading this or not. No worries, my friend.
Douglas
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Morgan is a hot mess. So, he did take the money, and most people know it, but did he kill those prostitutes. Another reference to him and earrings here. This is really good.
UThis brought an immediate frown to the short woman's face, (UThis???)
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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Morgan is a hot mess. So, he did take the money, and most people know it, but did he kill those prostitutes. Another reference to him and earrings here. This is really good.
UThis brought an immediate frown to the short woman's face, (UThis???)
Comment Written 06-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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Great catch. Things are moving along!
