Panpipes
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Panpipes - Chapter 10"A Novella
29 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
This is very powerful and creates visceral experience for the reader especially if they've been bitten by fire ants. I'm in line. Mine is minor but it is phantom pain I have pain like a toothache where my teeth are gone. Good approach: "There was one other thing...'Ayesha never heard what the other thing was for the line went dead. She returned to the living room, puzzled, her mind cantering through possibilities" this is like following a television show, the series... Meanwhile we find out...
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2024
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This is very powerful and creates visceral experience for the reader especially if they've been bitten by fire ants. I'm in line. Mine is minor but it is phantom pain I have pain like a toothache where my teeth are gone. Good approach: "There was one other thing...'Ayesha never heard what the other thing was for the line went dead. She returned to the living room, puzzled, her mind cantering through possibilities" this is like following a television show, the series... Meanwhile we find out...
Comment Written 11-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2024
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Thanks for your kind comments, Liz. This was a pretty intense chapter to write. Glad it worked for you.
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I'm enjoying the series I'm going slowly because I read a lot of other people's stuff but I have yours written down so I always return to it.
Comment from Soledadpaz
"side-slipped through the air like seabirds" Excellent description. When the mind is overwhelmed with new information, words just fly by. We are unable to receive and compute. Also, this is just like a doctor, concerned about the clinical aspect and not about the person to whom this is happening to.
Suggest: . . . hive of activity in the old days, (when) hundreds of migrants . . . ships (had been) held until cleared . . .
Perhaps delete: It made a change. The fact of an unfamiliar role indicates a change.
Wow! My wish came true, Bruno is dead. I was hoping that the headache indicated an aneurysm.
Suggest: He knelt beside (his) body. Or place that sentence after: He was dead. Perhaps indicate how he determines Bruno is dead.
Excellent chapter.
Sol
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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"side-slipped through the air like seabirds" Excellent description. When the mind is overwhelmed with new information, words just fly by. We are unable to receive and compute. Also, this is just like a doctor, concerned about the clinical aspect and not about the person to whom this is happening to.
Suggest: . . . hive of activity in the old days, (when) hundreds of migrants . . . ships (had been) held until cleared . . .
Perhaps delete: It made a change. The fact of an unfamiliar role indicates a change.
Wow! My wish came true, Bruno is dead. I was hoping that the headache indicated an aneurysm.
Suggest: He knelt beside (his) body. Or place that sentence after: He was dead. Perhaps indicate how he determines Bruno is dead.
Excellent chapter.
Sol
Comment Written 16-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Thank you, Sol. I very much appreciate your observations and suggestions. I have made some amendments and re-written the paragraph about Bruno's death: ?Jeez, mate! You all right?? He knelt beside his friend's sprawled-out body. Bruno's eyes were glassy and unfocused. Johnno stretched forward gingerly and felt for a pulse in his neck. Bruno was not all right. He was dead.
All good wishes, Tony
Comment from Gloria ....
I did enjoy this chapter very much. Particularly out on the fishing boat. I thought the sequence leading to Bruno's death from a concussion worked well and Johnno's fast thinking arrived him at the only possible recourse of feeding the corpse to a pair of bull sharks. Hopefully the sea doesn't reveal its secrets.
The plot thickens and it appears Australia will be featured soon enough.
Most enjoyable Tony. Thank goodness it's fiction. :)
Gloria
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2024
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I did enjoy this chapter very much. Particularly out on the fishing boat. I thought the sequence leading to Bruno's death from a concussion worked well and Johnno's fast thinking arrived him at the only possible recourse of feeding the corpse to a pair of bull sharks. Hopefully the sea doesn't reveal its secrets.
The plot thickens and it appears Australia will be featured soon enough.
Most enjoyable Tony. Thank goodness it's fiction. :)
Gloria
Comment Written 14-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2024
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Thanks for another boost among the stars with this affirming review. It's hard to tell fact from fiction these days, but this is definitely fiction, though stranger things have happened.
Comment from lauralumummu
You are a very gifted writer. Your descriptions are so vivid I could get lost in this book. Thanks for sharing your talent and experience with us. Happy New Year, Laura
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2024
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You are a very gifted writer. Your descriptions are so vivid I could get lost in this book. Thanks for sharing your talent and experience with us. Happy New Year, Laura
Comment Written 13-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2024
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Thanks so much for your lovely comments, Laura, and the six stars accompanying them. Deeply appreciated. A Happy New Year to you, too. Best wishes, Tony
Comment from kiwisteveh
Hi, Tony.
I have been following your fast-moving yarn, but you are churning the chapters out faster than I can manage to review them. I'm not spending much time on FS at the moment. Bits of my house are literally falling down around our ears and Jan/Feb is the only time for me to pretend to be a builder and get it fixed!
You've certainly got a lot happening in this tale. It's all go! The cast of characters is increasing apace as well. I have to tell you that I'm not a big fan of the flip-flopping POV you've got going on here. Let's see, Bapit, Ayesha, Carl, detectives in tailing car, Bruno, then Johnno. In the previous chapter I think even the elephant got a look in!
It's a bit head-spinning and I think it weakens the story a little in that we are never in any doubt about any of the characters - there's no ambiguity because we always know their thoughts. The villains are bad, the 'goodies' are good, albeit a bit messed up at times.
That being said, you are acing the unpredictability factor. Killing off the already dead husband was a surprise, as was the seriousness of Bapit's injury earlier. No doubt you have a few more shocks planned for later chapters. I also appreciate the gorgeous descriptive passages that light up your writing at times - not so much in this chapter, but certainly in previous ones, e.g. Ayesha's flight
Keep it up. I'm sure you have a devoted group of followers keenly awaiting each new chapter!
Steve
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2024
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Hi, Tony.
I have been following your fast-moving yarn, but you are churning the chapters out faster than I can manage to review them. I'm not spending much time on FS at the moment. Bits of my house are literally falling down around our ears and Jan/Feb is the only time for me to pretend to be a builder and get it fixed!
You've certainly got a lot happening in this tale. It's all go! The cast of characters is increasing apace as well. I have to tell you that I'm not a big fan of the flip-flopping POV you've got going on here. Let's see, Bapit, Ayesha, Carl, detectives in tailing car, Bruno, then Johnno. In the previous chapter I think even the elephant got a look in!
It's a bit head-spinning and I think it weakens the story a little in that we are never in any doubt about any of the characters - there's no ambiguity because we always know their thoughts. The villains are bad, the 'goodies' are good, albeit a bit messed up at times.
That being said, you are acing the unpredictability factor. Killing off the already dead husband was a surprise, as was the seriousness of Bapit's injury earlier. No doubt you have a few more shocks planned for later chapters. I also appreciate the gorgeous descriptive passages that light up your writing at times - not so much in this chapter, but certainly in previous ones, e.g. Ayesha's flight
Keep it up. I'm sure you have a devoted group of followers keenly awaiting each new chapter!
Steve
Comment Written 13-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2024
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Thanks for this most helpful review, Steve. Almost all of my previous prose has been from 1st Person POV. Suddenly becoming omniscient has gone to my head! That's an interesting comment about the need for more ambiguity to keep the reader guessing. One I hadn't really thought about.
I struggle a bit with character arc. In this, I hope I will have achieved a believable change in Ayesha by the story's end but realise I've made the bad characters irredeemably bad. Readers have understandably rejoiced at their demise.
Thanks again for taking the time to review this in depth. I know how time-consuming and draining it can be to act the part of builder's mate. Been there, done that!
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Especially when there's no builder - just the mate!
I sympathise with you about the difficulties of writing a novel - which is why I know I will never achieve that major feat. I know first-person presents its own set of difficulties, but I think I prefer that in most cases.
I wonder if you could cut down the explicit description of what characters are thinking and rely more on that emerging from their actions e.g. Johnno on the boat dealing with the utterly unexpected dead body...
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Thanks for the suggestion. I'll take another look and see what I can do.
Comment from Cindy Warren
Ayesha is lucky. Bruno will not be coming after her now. The authorities must have been onto him and the major for a while. Maybe she will inherit everything and she and Bapit can take care of the elephant. Bapit and the elephant deserve a happy ending, and it seems Ayesha was more played than player.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
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Ayesha is lucky. Bruno will not be coming after her now. The authorities must have been onto him and the major for a while. Maybe she will inherit everything and she and Bapit can take care of the elephant. Bapit and the elephant deserve a happy ending, and it seems Ayesha was more played than player.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
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I like your predictions. It won't be long now before we find out if you are right!
Comment from Iza Deleanu
I guess you cannot cheat death after all, sooner or later is going to find you and put you back in the rollercoaster of bad karma. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
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I guess you cannot cheat death after all, sooner or later is going to find you and put you back in the rollercoaster of bad karma. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
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Thanks, Iza. I appreciate your comments.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
I am telling everyone I know never to take a South Pacific Honeymoon. Life is awful cheap there, Good strong writing, suspenseful and kinda horrid. But good work nonetheless.:-) Karen
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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I am telling everyone I know never to take a South Pacific Honeymoon. Life is awful cheap there, Good strong writing, suspenseful and kinda horrid. But good work nonetheless.:-) Karen
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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Thanks, Karen. Bear in mind this is a work of fiction! LOL
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Yes, and I was being silly.
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😂
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Congratulations, Tony, by the way, on your contest win! Well deserved! Your story is beautifully written and full of lovely corruption and intrigue. Quite a gory end to Bruno and, maybe, his symptoms all stemmed from the hotel altercation with Ayesha after all. She meanwhile is completely oblivious to all the conspiracy going on. And poor old Bapit! I hope he comes good in the end. Wonderful drama, Tony! Thanks for sharing Debbie
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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Congratulations, Tony, by the way, on your contest win! Well deserved! Your story is beautifully written and full of lovely corruption and intrigue. Quite a gory end to Bruno and, maybe, his symptoms all stemmed from the hotel altercation with Ayesha after all. She meanwhile is completely oblivious to all the conspiracy going on. And poor old Bapit! I hope he comes good in the end. Wonderful drama, Tony! Thanks for sharing Debbie
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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Thanks, Debbie. I'm enjoying writing from this perspective, with none of the characters having a complete picture. All I need to do is to remember who knows what!
Comment from BethShelby
Well now Bruno is dead for real. His plan didn't work out so well but since there is no body, I don't see how that makes a big difference. His wife believes him to be dead. I'm wonder if Ashsha and Bapit will get together again. They care about each other but she is turned off by the fact that he has lost a limb. I'm plan to keep reading to see how all of this plays out.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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Well now Bruno is dead for real. His plan didn't work out so well but since there is no body, I don't see how that makes a big difference. His wife believes him to be dead. I'm wonder if Ashsha and Bapit will get together again. They care about each other but she is turned off by the fact that he has lost a limb. I'm plan to keep reading to see how all of this plays out.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2024
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Thanks, Beth. Your patience should be rewarded soon!
