A Fellowship of Five
Viewing comments for Prologue "Omnigovi, Mongolia"A murder mystery
6 total reviews
Comment from Aiona
This is a good first chapter. I didn't see any typos. Characterization was good. There was also some deep POV as he was dying. Nicely done set up leaving the reader to wonder what happens when people discover he's missing.
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2023
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This is a good first chapter. I didn't see any typos. Characterization was good. There was also some deep POV as he was dying. Nicely done set up leaving the reader to wonder what happens when people discover he's missing.
Comment Written 16-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2023
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Wow! Thank you
Comment from Navada
I didn't realise this was your very first post! Welcome to FanStory! I'm enjoying A Fellowship of Five and will be very interested to see where it goes from here. One suggestion - there are a few little formatting issues in places. Try uploading in plain text to avoid this.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2023
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I didn't realise this was your very first post! Welcome to FanStory! I'm enjoying A Fellowship of Five and will be very interested to see where it goes from here. One suggestion - there are a few little formatting issues in places. Try uploading in plain text to avoid this.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2023
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Thank you.
Comment from JSD
Goodness. What a gruesome story. Well written and action packed with realism. Well done and welcome to FanStory. I hope you enjoy your time here.
John
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2023
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Goodness. What a gruesome story. Well written and action packed with realism. Well done and welcome to FanStory. I hope you enjoy your time here.
John
Comment Written 06-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2023
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Thank you very much
Comment from lancellot
Very interesting. I would add more time between the sound of the helicopter and the two men arriving.
notes:
Its presence was threatening.
-Why? We don't know what a Soviet Mil Mi-8 helicopter is.
-And threatening to who?
the workers of Federated Petroleum Corporation as {the} mined for coal.
-the workers of Federated Petroleum Corporation as they mined for coal.
"This should help you remember," the second soldier sneered, raising his AK-47[.]
-add
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2023
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Very interesting. I would add more time between the sound of the helicopter and the two men arriving.
notes:
Its presence was threatening.
-Why? We don't know what a Soviet Mil Mi-8 helicopter is.
-And threatening to who?
the workers of Federated Petroleum Corporation as {the} mined for coal.
-the workers of Federated Petroleum Corporation as they mined for coal.
"This should help you remember," the second soldier sneered, raising his AK-47[.]
-add
Comment Written 06-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2023
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Thank you very much. Your input is well received. Hope to learn more.
Comment from Jim Wile
Welcome to FanStory. This was an excellent beginning to your "career" here. I actually read "Vincent Rossetti" first and enjoyed it very much, then went back to read this first chapter.
This was a great start to this story. You start right in with a bit of intrigue and lead us to wondering what did Walter find that was so important that he wasn't permitted to leave with the knowledge? I guess we will find out.
It was a great prologue that piqued our interest, and your writing was clear with just enough description to give us a good picture of the scene without bogging it down with unnecessary details.
It was sweet and realistic the way he said goodbye to his wife and daughter as he lay dying. This is a very promising start. - Jim
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Welcome to FanStory. This was an excellent beginning to your "career" here. I actually read "Vincent Rossetti" first and enjoyed it very much, then went back to read this first chapter.
This was a great start to this story. You start right in with a bit of intrigue and lead us to wondering what did Walter find that was so important that he wasn't permitted to leave with the knowledge? I guess we will find out.
It was a great prologue that piqued our interest, and your writing was clear with just enough description to give us a good picture of the scene without bogging it down with unnecessary details.
It was sweet and realistic the way he said goodbye to his wife and daughter as he lay dying. This is a very promising start. - Jim
Comment Written 05-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Thank you very much.
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Thank you very much.
Comment from patcelaw
I see this is your very first post on that story. I wished you were welcome here to the site and I hope that each of us here will be able to help you if you need help in your writing. I enjoyed your story very much and it flows very well. I do wish you the very best in the book that you're trying to write. Pat.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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I see this is your very first post on that story. I wished you were welcome here to the site and I hope that each of us here will be able to help you if you need help in your writing. I enjoyed your story very much and it flows very well. I do wish you the very best in the book that you're trying to write. Pat.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Thank you very much !!!
