The Man
Little Mistakes36 total reviews
Comment from Tom Horonzy
This is easy to envision for many have told similar stories. Well done, though I sorta wish it could have been done with bleeps and such, but I understand it to be the way the world is today.
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This is easy to envision for many have told similar stories. Well done, though I sorta wish it could have been done with bleeps and such, but I understand it to be the way the world is today.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2023
Comment from Nicki Nance
You captured the internal experiences of your characters. They were intense and compelling, and sadly representative of so many families. Thanks for the great read.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2023
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You captured the internal experiences of your characters. They were intense and compelling, and sadly representative of so many families. Thanks for the great read.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2023
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Thank you humbly, Nicki
Comment from Loren .
This is poignant in so many ways. People, loved ones, speaking but not being heard. Crying out, hiding behind masks. Thinking surely they understand their feelings. Yet revealing themselves only in their closed profane thoughts. It takes a tenacious, fighting soldier on both sides of this battle to win the victory cup. Loren
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This is poignant in so many ways. People, loved ones, speaking but not being heard. Crying out, hiding behind masks. Thinking surely they understand their feelings. Yet revealing themselves only in their closed profane thoughts. It takes a tenacious, fighting soldier on both sides of this battle to win the victory cup. Loren
Comment Written 21-Aug-2023
Comment from Robbie Hift
The mother's rage, her bitterness and her dislike of the absent husband come across very strongly to the reader. I love the use of powerful direct speech to make the story alive and credible. The author makes it very clear that the mother is 32years old, however we don't really have a clear picture of the son. Is he 12? Is he 18? is he 25? The reader needs to have a clear picture in his or her mind about how each character, not just the mother, looks physically.
Personally, I don't like excessive swearing in a story, although I do understand that the writer wishes to make the a story realistic and believable through the use of bad language. By contrast, however, D.H.Lawrence, Steinbeck and Hemingway managed to make their characters very realistic and they portrayed harsh emotions very realistically WITHOUT swearing excessively.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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The mother's rage, her bitterness and her dislike of the absent husband come across very strongly to the reader. I love the use of powerful direct speech to make the story alive and credible. The author makes it very clear that the mother is 32years old, however we don't really have a clear picture of the son. Is he 12? Is he 18? is he 25? The reader needs to have a clear picture in his or her mind about how each character, not just the mother, looks physically.
Personally, I don't like excessive swearing in a story, although I do understand that the writer wishes to make the a story realistic and believable through the use of bad language. By contrast, however, D.H.Lawrence, Steinbeck and Hemingway managed to make their characters very realistic and they portrayed harsh emotions very realistically WITHOUT swearing excessively.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2023
Comment from Douglas Goff
Yeah, so I pretty much lived this. I think a lot of us did. Terribly sad.
Suggestion:
fault.
"Mom, I will pay you back, I promise, I am so very sorry, I didn't know, I am sorry, Mom, please." She'd let go of him and turned around, shrieking. "Mom, I am very sorry, I will pay you back, I will pay you back, Mom, I
(Ill and I'm It's just how people talk).
Great piece.
D
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Yeah, so I pretty much lived this. I think a lot of us did. Terribly sad.
Suggestion:
fault.
"Mom, I will pay you back, I promise, I am so very sorry, I didn't know, I am sorry, Mom, please." She'd let go of him and turned around, shrieking. "Mom, I am very sorry, I will pay you back, I will pay you back, Mom, I
(Ill and I'm It's just how people talk).
Great piece.
D
Comment Written 20-Aug-2023
Comment from Ulla
Well, the boy has an obvious problem, which is not so surprising. The father is a loser and the mother can't cope although she tries her best. Where it all fails is why she doesn't put a block on the sites the son is using? Any normal parent would do that.
Otherwise very well written. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2023
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Well, the boy has an obvious problem, which is not so surprising. The father is a loser and the mother can't cope although she tries her best. Where it all fails is why she doesn't put a block on the sites the son is using? Any normal parent would do that.
Otherwise very well written. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 20-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2023
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Yes. Because it's always so easy, Ulla. You nailed your review to what I'd expect from a elementary school student.
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Oh, I see or not! That was quite a condescending answer. So all my life experience, higher education including a law degree have been for nothing! Yes, of course, what do I know. Ulla
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Education and knowledge is not an indication of intelligence, Ulla.
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No, of course not, how stupid of me to even think that! I'm glad you're such a know all. Congratulations!
Comment from Lisasview
Wow, Bruce... what a story...crazy lives of crazy people...sad, but true.
This is not so unusual...
Your writing is fabulous, from the very beginning I was pulled into your story. And, to be honest, I mainly read poetry...stories seem to take too long to read. But as I said this really drew me in. And, because it was easy to read I just loved it.
Many writers do not realise the time and tons of edits it takes to write something good.
Lisasview
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2023
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Wow, Bruce... what a story...crazy lives of crazy people...sad, but true.
This is not so unusual...
Your writing is fabulous, from the very beginning I was pulled into your story. And, to be honest, I mainly read poetry...stories seem to take too long to read. But as I said this really drew me in. And, because it was easy to read I just loved it.
Many writers do not realise the time and tons of edits it takes to write something good.
Lisasview
Comment Written 20-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2023
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Thank you dearly, Lisa. Just like you, I find it hard to get thrown into a story and that's why appreciate when something draws me in.
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Interesting isn't it... But then again so does a poem...or at least I hope mine has that effect.
You might like Awaken or Nymph... as they do tell a story.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Good morning! You are my first review of the day so that I can award you with six stars before they are gone. I won't go through another review, as I messaged you on Friday with my thoughts on this piece.
You've come a long way in just a month. I applaud your hard work and willingness to listen to the advice of others and try new things.
Good luck in all of your future writing - look forward to reading it all.
Pam
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2023
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Good morning! You are my first review of the day so that I can award you with six stars before they are gone. I won't go through another review, as I messaged you on Friday with my thoughts on this piece.
You've come a long way in just a month. I applaud your hard work and willingness to listen to the advice of others and try new things.
Good luck in all of your future writing - look forward to reading it all.
Pam
Comment Written 20-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2023
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Honoured, Pam. Thank you humbly once again.
Comment from pome lover
Well, that was pretty awful. Am assuming you intended it to be. I couldn't understand who was talking sometimes and if it was on the phone or in the next room, but I felt for the poor child. At least his mother loved him.
Sad story.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2023
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Well, that was pretty awful. Am assuming you intended it to be. I couldn't understand who was talking sometimes and if it was on the phone or in the next room, but I felt for the poor child. At least his mother loved him.
Sad story.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2023
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Thank you dearly.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
I enjoyed this the most of anything of yours I've read so far, but sadly I'm out of sixes. I found it extremely tightly written with excellent description and character development. The emotion was very believable. kay
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2023
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I enjoyed this the most of anything of yours I've read so far, but sadly I'm out of sixes. I found it extremely tightly written with excellent description and character development. The emotion was very believable. kay
Comment Written 19-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2023
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Thanks so much, Kay.