Br'er Rabbit
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Opium & Love"Ex-intelligence officer's personal tragedy
15 total reviews
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
This is raw, gripping, painful, and feels absolutely true. This is a rare gift you have, Haven't seen your wok in my mail for a while. I hope you are just bust with life and not in the hospital as a few here have been. Let me know when you are back, please. Karen
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This is raw, gripping, painful, and feels absolutely true. This is a rare gift you have, Haven't seen your wok in my mail for a while. I hope you are just bust with life and not in the hospital as a few here have been. Let me know when you are back, please. Karen
Comment Written 09-Nov-2023
Comment from Liz O'Neill
You are justifying truth and reality: "it was only natural that I would grab the gun and point it at the door when I heard the soft sound of a clicking lock. A good comparison: " I wanted to murder someone as much as I wanted to kill myself." Did this help any? "I finished and lit a ketamine-spiked cigarette"...Oof I guess not: "The opium and ketamine weren't helping because I could still understand her, but I did get introspective for a moment." lol This is clever writing, I love the distorted image in the mirror. A twist will bring the reader back.
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You are justifying truth and reality: "it was only natural that I would grab the gun and point it at the door when I heard the soft sound of a clicking lock. A good comparison: " I wanted to murder someone as much as I wanted to kill myself." Did this help any? "I finished and lit a ketamine-spiked cigarette"...Oof I guess not: "The opium and ketamine weren't helping because I could still understand her, but I did get introspective for a moment." lol This is clever writing, I love the distorted image in the mirror. A twist will bring the reader back.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2023
Comment from Ulla
Bruce, your writing is intriguing me, and I like wat you write. In this piece you show the sheer rawness of grief and you do it so very well. I knew someone a very long time ago, who almost went under, when he found his long dead wife in the bathtub, her wrists sliced. He had no idea how unhappy she'd been. He was a colleague of mine, a long distance pilot. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2023
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Bruce, your writing is intriguing me, and I like wat you write. In this piece you show the sheer rawness of grief and you do it so very well. I knew someone a very long time ago, who almost went under, when he found his long dead wife in the bathtub, her wrists sliced. He had no idea how unhappy she'd been. He was a colleague of mine, a long distance pilot. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 07-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2023
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Haven't heard anything more impactful recently. I would most certainly go under. Thanks for sharing, Ulla.
Comment from JSD
And more! How do you do it? This one is more Chandleresque I feel. There is a fantastic noir atmosphere here that once again compels the reader to read on.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2023
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And more! How do you do it? This one is more Chandleresque I feel. There is a fantastic noir atmosphere here that once again compels the reader to read on.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2023
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And one more thank you to you sir!
Comment from Kate9
Dear Bruce, this is my first dive into your story and I am absolutely thrilled and starved for more. Connection between both kept me hooked until the end. I would kill to read how he treated his true love as a contrast to his relationship with Jenny. Btw who designed your cover? I love it.
Kate
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2023
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Dear Bruce, this is my first dive into your story and I am absolutely thrilled and starved for more. Connection between both kept me hooked until the end. I would kill to read how he treated his true love as a contrast to his relationship with Jenny. Btw who designed your cover? I love it.
Kate
Comment Written 05-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2023
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Kate, thank you very much for taking the time to read and write those words of encouragement. The side-stories (or chapters) I am writing in non-chronological order (I plan to upload them in such a manner too) currently, focus on the turmoil of this loose cannon of the character. One thing I know - he has a good heart. Something I'll explain later once I bleed the words on paper. I aim to explore his relationship with both Sara and Layla to show later on, that tragedy can turn the greatest of man into monsters (now that I wrote it it feels so cliched, but I have faith I'll do it the right way). I invite you to the original - Br'er Rabbit, which is uploaded to my FS profile - if you liked this one, the initial story will most certainly clarify many things.
As a writer - I cannot express how happy I am knowing that you started with this one, and that it still made sense.
I once again thank you kindly for your message. It's the people like you that make me continue.
P.S. I do all of my artwork (if I can call it that). Some of them are my drawings (Br'er Rabbit, Cobalt), some of them are me having fun with editing program (Opium & Love, The Milwaukee Iron, For Mom - last two being pictures of my actually LOL).
Comment from lancellot
This is excellent. Tom Clancy should hire you as a ghost writer. Loved the ending. It shows both how far gone he is, and how stupid love makes people.
notes:
where I leaned against the sink and realized that I had sobered up.
- I suggest changing this slightly. One doesn't sober up from a line of heroin just like that.
-where I leaned against the sink and wondered if I had sobered up.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2023
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This is excellent. Tom Clancy should hire you as a ghost writer. Loved the ending. It shows both how far gone he is, and how stupid love makes people.
notes:
where I leaned against the sink and realized that I had sobered up.
- I suggest changing this slightly. One doesn't sober up from a line of heroin just like that.
-where I leaned against the sink and wondered if I had sobered up.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2023
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Fiction is fiction, but I don?t want to lose the reader?s attention by implying that an outburst of anger or extreme feelings would immediately block the opioids from affecting our hero?s state of mind. I completely agree.
Do you think that the ?felt as if" would work here?
?where I leaned against the sink and felt as if I had sobered up".
I have nothing but grattitude for your time, exceptional rating and fantastic suggestion. You honor me with the Tom Clancy line - I have to read it to my fiancee (she?s his biggest fan).
Humble thanks and wishing you a great weekend.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
I think you already know from me that you're a very skilled writer that can convey a very powerful story to the reader. You manage to get across a real sense of your drug-induced state of mind and the horror of your thoughts as emotionally distorted disturbances clash with the reality of your situation. Very dramatic, very evocative and a thoroughly 'intoxicating' read! Take care Debbie
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2023
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I think you already know from me that you're a very skilled writer that can convey a very powerful story to the reader. You manage to get across a real sense of your drug-induced state of mind and the horror of your thoughts as emotionally distorted disturbances clash with the reality of your situation. Very dramatic, very evocative and a thoroughly 'intoxicating' read! Take care Debbie
Comment Written 04-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2023
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Thank you for the very nice words, so needed at the start of my writing adventure, Debbie.
Sending my love,
Bruce
Comment from Melodie Michelle
Loving your chapters of your book because they hold my attention through to the end and I have ADHD so that is not an easy accomplishment, so kudos for that my friend;-)
I adore your characters that are lovely and bounce off one another quite nicely!
Thank you for sharing this well written and well thought out piece with us!
Blessings ...
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2023
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Loving your chapters of your book because they hold my attention through to the end and I have ADHD so that is not an easy accomplishment, so kudos for that my friend;-)
I adore your characters that are lovely and bounce off one another quite nicely!
Thank you for sharing this well written and well thought out piece with us!
Blessings ...
Comment Written 04-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2023
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Same! Not sure about the ADHD but I most certainly have the symptoms! Need to get checked. But the truth is that if I just did that chapter by chapter, I would stop at the third and got discouraged. Kay put it beautifully - I'm putting a web. Love it. Bunch of independent stories connected to single, big one. Thanks a lot and sending my love
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;-)
Comment from Ric Myworld
It's always nice to be in the minute and feel like we're part of the story, no matter the reality of the situation. Ketamine alone, even without anything else, can play distorted tricks on delicate minds. And in reality, all minds are fragile. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2023
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It's always nice to be in the minute and feel like we're part of the story, no matter the reality of the situation. Ketamine alone, even without anything else, can play distorted tricks on delicate minds. And in reality, all minds are fragile. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2023
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Beautifully said. Thank you for exceptional rating, Ric, and your kind words. You honor me.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
I'm going to say the same thing I said last night when I reviewed you. You are a great storyteller, and this is riveting, and I want to punch your narrator in the face and help him off the floor at the same time. He's obviously in the throes of grief and despair, so the behavior is understandable. You tell it well.
I see places where you are trying to show us more of what is in the scene, like when you mention the "silky, patterned scarf."
Try this the next time you write something. Have your narrator share something he touched, tasted, heard, smelled, and saw. The seeing part is easy, the others, not so much. See if that doesn't add depth to your story.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed this. We have a character who is a loose cannon and we're all on the edge of our seats waiting to see what he does next.
Have a great weekend,
Pam
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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I'm going to say the same thing I said last night when I reviewed you. You are a great storyteller, and this is riveting, and I want to punch your narrator in the face and help him off the floor at the same time. He's obviously in the throes of grief and despair, so the behavior is understandable. You tell it well.
I see places where you are trying to show us more of what is in the scene, like when you mention the "silky, patterned scarf."
Try this the next time you write something. Have your narrator share something he touched, tasted, heard, smelled, and saw. The seeing part is easy, the others, not so much. See if that doesn't add depth to your story.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed this. We have a character who is a loose cannon and we're all on the edge of our seats waiting to see what he does next.
Have a great weekend,
Pam
Comment Written 03-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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Fantastic piece of advice, Pam. You are absolutely right, I never use other senses to describe the surroundings or anything. Absolutely groundbreaking - so far, there's been "saw" and "heard". I have Vietnam-like flashbacks, thinking about all of my stories where I missed an opportunity. In my other story (Cobalt) protagonist bites off his adversary's nose. How the hell could I not think about the sweet taste of blood and and chewy consistency of the meat.
I noted this down on paper and put what feels like fifty exclamation points. I am not even joking.
You're absolutely fantastic.
P.S. I look forward to the Furious Fiction tomorrow - already have my reminder set. You just keep on giving, Pam. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Could not imagine better guide for this magnificent tour.
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The clock is on Australian time, so I'm always a little behind. I can't wait to compare what we've written.
