The Laundromat
If Laundromats could tell their stories12 total reviews
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Great character sketch of a woman who is no longer as young as she is dressed to look like, on the aftermath of a break-up, it sounds like. It is mostly third-person omniscient point of view. The mention of 'jukebox music' makes me think this is from another decade, although I know of at least one diner nearby that has one.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2023
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Great character sketch of a woman who is no longer as young as she is dressed to look like, on the aftermath of a break-up, it sounds like. It is mostly third-person omniscient point of view. The mention of 'jukebox music' makes me think this is from another decade, although I know of at least one diner nearby that has one.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2023
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2023
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I wanted the jukebox music to be a memory, hence only she could hear it. Thanks for such a positive review. Very much appreciated.
Comment from Lola G
This piece is near perfection. Writing flash that shows, not tells, a story is hard! I loved the start of the story: noticing the woman from the outside-looking-into her world both literally and figuratively. The reason for 5 stars was the POV inconsistency of the narration. The second sentence "I find her there...." As the piece progresses, the observer comments on "Earl....and his ratty trailer". This was the only thing that took me out of the story. Suggestion: Replace "I" for "We" or simply start with "Look at her there....." which keeps the word count.
Again, very good solid story. You make flash look easy where I struggle!
Look forward to reading more of your work!
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2023
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This piece is near perfection. Writing flash that shows, not tells, a story is hard! I loved the start of the story: noticing the woman from the outside-looking-into her world both literally and figuratively. The reason for 5 stars was the POV inconsistency of the narration. The second sentence "I find her there...." As the piece progresses, the observer comments on "Earl....and his ratty trailer". This was the only thing that took me out of the story. Suggestion: Replace "I" for "We" or simply start with "Look at her there....." which keeps the word count.
Again, very good solid story. You make flash look easy where I struggle!
Look forward to reading more of your work!
Comment Written 31-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2023
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Thanks so much for your comments, Lola. I had to laugh when you wrote that I make flash look easy. My original notes added up to 350 words. It took some serious whittling down. I find writing flash very challenging but a great exercise which is why I keep trying my hand at it.
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Boy I hear you Ginda! I've decided that flash is as challenging to me as any other piece. It's helping me focus on concise storytelling. Good luck in your writing.
Comment from Pearl Edwards
You paint a great picture of this woman at the Laundromat, that's trying to hang onto her younger self, and wondering about her life choices. Loved the final line in this one Ginda.
cheers
Valda
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2023
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You paint a great picture of this woman at the Laundromat, that's trying to hang onto her younger self, and wondering about her life choices. Loved the final line in this one Ginda.
cheers
Valda
Comment Written 31-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2023
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Thank you so much, Valda, for your encouraging words.
Comment from Annmuma
Well done! I saw that woman at the Wash-a-Teria 30 years ago and felt sure she was still there. Thanks for confirming in such vivid description. Good luck in the contest. ann
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Well done! I saw that woman at the Wash-a-Teria 30 years ago and felt sure she was still there. Thanks for confirming in such vivid description. Good luck in the contest. ann
Comment Written 29-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Thank you, Ann.
Comment from lyenochka
This was so poetically written! I loved this portrait of this woman at the laundromat. Great use of every word! Hope this does well in the contest!
One suggestion:
toenails, bubblegum pink, to match her rhinestone flip flops.
(bubblegum pink toenails to match her rhinestone flip flops.) Since this was in a list, the color of the toenails shouldn't be an item of that list which is what the commas make it out to be.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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This was so poetically written! I loved this portrait of this woman at the laundromat. Great use of every word! Hope this does well in the contest!
One suggestion:
toenails, bubblegum pink, to match her rhinestone flip flops.
(bubblegum pink toenails to match her rhinestone flip flops.) Since this was in a list, the color of the toenails shouldn't be an item of that list which is what the commas make it out to be.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Thank for reviewing and offer a suggestion to improve my writing. I have made the change. But, if I may ask for your advise - does ordering the adjectives in this way work? I wanted to emphasize the color of the toenails to highlight that she gave this extra attention to them. What do you think?
Halter skimpy, shorts frayed, toenails bubblegum pink to match...
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Yes, I like your "toenails bubblegum pink" - that works, too as it connects the color directly to the flip flops. It was mostly the commas that made the toenails and the the bubblegum pink as equal elements of the list.
Comment from Carol Clark2
Wow, there's so much more to this story, but you're told us just enough for the flash contest. I like the description you gave of this woman, down to her bubblegum pink nail polish and matching flip flops. Best wishes in the contest. Thanks for sharing. Carol
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Wow, there's so much more to this story, but you're told us just enough for the flash contest. I like the description you gave of this woman, down to her bubblegum pink nail polish and matching flip flops. Best wishes in the contest. Thanks for sharing. Carol
Comment Written 27-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Thank you, Carol.
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You're welcome. Have a blessed weekend.
Comment from Wendy G
Sad and moving snippet of a life gone wrong. Hopes and dreams have disappeared, and she is facing the harsh reality of her present meaningless existence with its purposelessness. She seems to have lost connecton with reality, and is in her own escapist world of music. Very well written, vivid and realistic. Best wishes for this excellent entry i the contest.
Wendy
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Sad and moving snippet of a life gone wrong. Hopes and dreams have disappeared, and she is facing the harsh reality of her present meaningless existence with its purposelessness. She seems to have lost connecton with reality, and is in her own escapist world of music. Very well written, vivid and realistic. Best wishes for this excellent entry i the contest.
Wendy
Comment Written 27-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Thank you, Wendy.
Comment from Alexandra Trovato
This is an interesting subject for your flash fiction. To anyone who's ever spent time in laundromats, this msg seen like non-fiction. I know in my past, I have spent much time at laundromats. I think I've seen the woman you're describing. Sometimes she would flick that ashes on her kids, as well. But, I think people do the best they can when they can. Maybe the times I've seen that woman, or you have, were the very worst times of her life. Maybe she's somewhere looking back at that stranger even to herself now. I'm as n optimist. Excellent writing! Bed wishes!/
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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This is an interesting subject for your flash fiction. To anyone who's ever spent time in laundromats, this msg seen like non-fiction. I know in my past, I have spent much time at laundromats. I think I've seen the woman you're describing. Sometimes she would flick that ashes on her kids, as well. But, I think people do the best they can when they can. Maybe the times I've seen that woman, or you have, were the very worst times of her life. Maybe she's somewhere looking back at that stranger even to herself now. I'm as n optimist. Excellent writing! Bed wishes!/
Comment Written 27-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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I, too, am an optimist. This is a fiction piece, but the woman I imagined exists, no doubt. I wanted to portray the hardship and hidden pain that many carry inside them.
Comment from jessizero
So was it the woman who disappeared or the tear? Your story was definitely interesting and intriguing. Thank you for sharing it here, and best wishes to you.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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So was it the woman who disappeared or the tear? Your story was definitely interesting and intriguing. Thank you for sharing it here, and best wishes to you.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Thank you, Jessi.
Comment from w.j.debi
Excellent descriptions to bring us to the Laundromat. It seems to be in a busy, sweaty part of town. Great details about the lady doing her laundry and how she is trying to hold on to her youth. Regrets? It seems she has a few.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Excellent descriptions to bring us to the Laundromat. It seems to be in a busy, sweaty part of town. Great details about the lady doing her laundry and how she is trying to hold on to her youth. Regrets? It seems she has a few.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Thanks, Debi, for reading and commenting. We can only imagine the regrets that she has.
