Shanty Town
Two homicide detectives search for a missing little girl.19 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
This opening will draw the reader in: "The house was empty?" asked Lieutenant Carol Shelly." &
"You're going to be recorded, Detective." This could easily be a case involving missing Native American teens. This is my focus. This is a good topic: "She's dead. They found her in a muddy culvert strangled, raped, and shot in the head."
An excellent line: "So, please take your Community Policing Guide and place it beneath your pillow and come out for a ride in housing areas you and the post office don't even know exist." That Lieutenant Shelly is a real trip isn't she? This is excellent, well recorded. A+
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
  |
This opening will draw the reader in: "The house was empty?" asked Lieutenant Carol Shelly." &
"You're going to be recorded, Detective." This could easily be a case involving missing Native American teens. This is my focus. This is a good topic: "She's dead. They found her in a muddy culvert strangled, raped, and shot in the head."
An excellent line: "So, please take your Community Policing Guide and place it beneath your pillow and come out for a ride in housing areas you and the post office don't even know exist." That Lieutenant Shelly is a real trip isn't she? This is excellent, well recorded. A+
Comment Written 21-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
-
Yes, indeed. Lt. Shelly has been promoted beyond her ability to understand 'field' police work. She'll make it over time and end up being a good administrator. Right? We sure hope so. (;o)
-
As long as it isn't the "Peter Principle" bwaaa
Comment from LJbutterfly
As I became engrossed in the detailed descriptions of the scenes, and captivating dialogue between Lieutenant Shelly and Detective Gomez, I thought I was reading a first chapter in the First Book Chapter Contest. I went back and saw you started the story with "The house was empty," a different contest. However, was the house empty, or were there two deceased bodies and a half-eaten cat?
I look forward to the continuation of Shanty Town. This episode doesn't mention the missing little girl, except in the preview statement. You have established powerful suspense and are off to an intriguing start. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
 |
As I became engrossed in the detailed descriptions of the scenes, and captivating dialogue between Lieutenant Shelly and Detective Gomez, I thought I was reading a first chapter in the First Book Chapter Contest. I went back and saw you started the story with "The house was empty," a different contest. However, was the house empty, or were there two deceased bodies and a half-eaten cat?
I look forward to the continuation of Shanty Town. This episode doesn't mention the missing little girl, except in the preview statement. You have established powerful suspense and are off to an intriguing start. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
-
Thank you so much!
Comment from Ric Myworld
Yes, sir, you certainly paint vivid pictures and don't leave out the grit and grime that make your scenes stick in this reader's mind for days to come. Thanks for sharing. Wish I had a six.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
|
Yes, sir, you certainly paint vivid pictures and don't leave out the grit and grime that make your scenes stick in this reader's mind for days to come. Thanks for sharing. Wish I had a six.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
-
Yep, thats kinda the way the library in my head works. Take the memory off the shelf, write about it hoping it goes away only to find another volume.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
This very detailed story told mostly through the medium of dialogue leaves the reader in no uncertainty as to the horrors of homicide and the mental and physical fortitude needed to withstand its investigation whether it be by addictive behaviours, down-play of experiences or simply being in the line of fire. A very interesting and necessary take on this subject which is excellently conveyed and fits the brief. Good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
|
This very detailed story told mostly through the medium of dialogue leaves the reader in no uncertainty as to the horrors of homicide and the mental and physical fortitude needed to withstand its investigation whether it be by addictive behaviours, down-play of experiences or simply being in the line of fire. A very interesting and necessary take on this subject which is excellently conveyed and fits the brief. Good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 20-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
-
Thank you so much for understanding.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Excellent story, well written and easy to read. I enjoy the word imagery, as I'm a visual person. Good dialog about both parties. The end sounds part of a bigger story....are you going to continue in chapters?
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2023
|
Excellent story, well written and easy to read. I enjoy the word imagery, as I'm a visual person. Good dialog about both parties. The end sounds part of a bigger story....are you going to continue in chapters?
Comment Written 19-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2023
-
Hello Gypsy. I'm glad you liked it, Your review is important to me. Yes, I will attach part two later today. I hope you take the time to read it. I'll let you know when it's posted.
Comment from Lisasview
Exciting story and I always love a good detective story...but I believe the contest is...that you must start the story with There was a knock at the door....
Correct me please if I am wrong...
Lisa, new to this site
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2023
 |
Exciting story and I always love a good detective story...but I believe the contest is...that you must start the story with There was a knock at the door....
Correct me please if I am wrong...
Lisa, new to this site
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2023
-
Thank you, Lisa. Welcome to Fan Story. Yes, you have made an error. You are referring to the latest contest which starts with the sentence; There was a knock on the door.
The contest I entered ended 6/16/23.
These were the rules: Write a story that starts with this sentence: THE HOUSE WAS EMPTY .
Your story must start with the sentence above. You have the option to put it in quotes (for dialogue) and to change the punctuation at the end for proper grammar. Your story can be about anything.
All the best, Yard
Comment from Tom Horonzy
First, what does VN 69/70/71 mean in your profile?
As for the story. I felt if I was behind a one way mirror listening in.
Well done. You also have a nit of poetry in you trying to escape, as witnessed in several lines.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2023
|
First, what does VN 69/70/71 mean in your profile?
As for the story. I felt if I was behind a one way mirror listening in.
Well done. You also have a nit of poetry in you trying to escape, as witnessed in several lines.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2023
-
Thank you, Tom. VN 69/70/71, were the years I served patrolling the Mekong Delta as a PBR coxswain.
Yes sir, you got me on the poetry. The meter is always running in my head. lol!
All the best, Yard.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This is a well-written piece and t=you get a good clear image of both parties primarily through the dialogue. It's interspersed well with actions to break this up.
I was left a little cold come the end as this feels more a vignette or part of something larger than a fully fledged story in its own writ4e but what's here is good.
All the best
GMG
"You're going to be recorded, Detective.- need closing speech marks here.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
|
Hi there,
This is a well-written piece and t=you get a good clear image of both parties primarily through the dialogue. It's interspersed well with actions to break this up.
I was left a little cold come the end as this feels more a vignette or part of something larger than a fully fledged story in its own writ4e but what's here is good.
All the best
GMG
"You're going to be recorded, Detective.- need closing speech marks here.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
-
Hello back at cha. Thank you so much for taking the time to review and comment.
Comment from lancellot
The structural writing is good, and there is an easy to follow conversational tone. Not sure about that given what these two are and why they are speaking. But, it's fictional, so things don't have to be as it is in real life.
notes:
"You're going to be recorded, Detective.["]
-add
"Goodness, did you find her?" Lieutenant Shelly asked.
- Wait a minute. What kind of interview is this, if the Lieutenant, who has the report, is shocked, displays such emotions, and are asking things she should know?
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2023
|
The structural writing is good, and there is an easy to follow conversational tone. Not sure about that given what these two are and why they are speaking. But, it's fictional, so things don't have to be as it is in real life.
notes:
"You're going to be recorded, Detective.["]
-add
"Goodness, did you find her?" Lieutenant Shelly asked.
- Wait a minute. What kind of interview is this, if the Lieutenant, who has the report, is shocked, displays such emotions, and are asking things she should know?
Comment Written 17-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2023
-
Hello Lance, thank you for the review and constructive criticism.
Regarding the type of interview, I'll speak from personal experience and leave it at that.
Different Law Enforcement agencies will have their own processes dealing with use of force resulting in death. So, I can't speak for all agencies, only that which I know to be common.
One: A report is generated by an involved officer presenting a series of facts leading to the use of force. This report is generated as soon as the officer is able. Because use of deadly force is a traumatic event, the officer may forget certain contributing factors such as date and time. The Lieutenant in this story is attempting to get as much information as possible. She, by forcing the level of interrogation/interview to a level that will be borderline antagonistic, approximates the pressure presented by a defense attorney or wrongful death lawsuit.
2: Information that has no bearing on the use of deadly force is unnecessary in the initial report. For example; Detective Jackson's childhood relationship with the Washington's; his knowing the cat's name; his display of emotion and attempt to cover Mrs. Washington's nakedness reveal his humanity but has nothing to do with Detective Gomez use of deadly force. That type of information is quite helpful with establishing Detective Jackson's ability to continue as a Homicide Detective or whether or not he can continue as a Law Enforcement officer. And, if not, what kind of psychological help he may need.
3: Finally, the story is purposed to entertain both types of readers; Those that like facts and drama, and those that identify with the emotional aspect of a madman loose in a community.
Thanks again, Lance, for your review and giving me an opportunity to explain the nuances. Hopefully, I've answered your question.
I'm going to post part two later today. It should add additional meat to the ending.
All the best, Yard.
Comment from JSD
Chandler-esque? Pulp Fiction? Don't know, but this is a most impressive conjuring up of a world of sleaze and crime. The dialogue rings so true and the narrative is definitely of a 'can't put down' variety.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
|
Chandler-esque? Pulp Fiction? Don't know, but this is a most impressive conjuring up of a world of sleaze and crime. The dialogue rings so true and the narrative is definitely of a 'can't put down' variety.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
-
Once the movie comes out, I'll make sure you get a couple of tickets.
