House for Sale
except there's been a murder15 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
There's a lot going on in this piece. Quite a few little turns and none of it overplayed. I actually think this could be adapted into a longer novelette with a deeper pov and a focus on making it a tad more emotional.
That being said, there are a few areas where you may want to have a closer look at. I made some notes as I read through-
Some of the people who came to look at the house, only wanted to see where the murder had occurred. - unnecessary comma here.
Did you not see your sister on the sofa, getting ready to watch TV? - same thing here, too.
"Dad," Jodie started to intercede, "They didn't mean..." - they should be lower case, continuing dialogue.
It's probably better to signify someone being cut off in dialogue with a dash rather than the ellipses. They suggest a trailing off whereas the dash is abrupt.
Give me thirty minutes. See 'ya." - no mark needed in front of ya.
'he threw her off the dah, and the only thing - either remove the mark from in front of he or add one after dah to make it a quote.
This is dangerous. We don't know what Darrell will do next. Go home and lock up. If Darrell's not home, I'll let you know and you two go to a motel and stay put! I'll keep you posted."- would it not have made more sense to send them to a motel just in case rather than home first?
Just a point to say that it doesn't mention the police leaving the car. Jed gies the warning about the home & motel, there's a short dialogue between the women and then Darrell is there. Maybe just a mention of the police departing.
he poked Ruth with his gun, "give me your phone." - both He and Give should be capitalised here. (He because it's a new sentence. Give because it's a new sentence within the dialogue)
Maisie got out but didn't budge from her side of it. / Maisie was slowly getting out of the driver's side, when Darrell caught movement and whirled around. - Maisie was already out of the car a few paragraph beforehand. remember your actions and sequencing.
Ruth was frantically wriggling out of the rope, her eyes watering, - there isn't actually any mention of her actually tying Ruth up and the action moves so swiftly there probably wasn't time.
A good story and enjoyable read.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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Hi there,
There's a lot going on in this piece. Quite a few little turns and none of it overplayed. I actually think this could be adapted into a longer novelette with a deeper pov and a focus on making it a tad more emotional.
That being said, there are a few areas where you may want to have a closer look at. I made some notes as I read through-
Some of the people who came to look at the house, only wanted to see where the murder had occurred. - unnecessary comma here.
Did you not see your sister on the sofa, getting ready to watch TV? - same thing here, too.
"Dad," Jodie started to intercede, "They didn't mean..." - they should be lower case, continuing dialogue.
It's probably better to signify someone being cut off in dialogue with a dash rather than the ellipses. They suggest a trailing off whereas the dash is abrupt.
Give me thirty minutes. See 'ya." - no mark needed in front of ya.
'he threw her off the dah, and the only thing - either remove the mark from in front of he or add one after dah to make it a quote.
This is dangerous. We don't know what Darrell will do next. Go home and lock up. If Darrell's not home, I'll let you know and you two go to a motel and stay put! I'll keep you posted."- would it not have made more sense to send them to a motel just in case rather than home first?
Just a point to say that it doesn't mention the police leaving the car. Jed gies the warning about the home & motel, there's a short dialogue between the women and then Darrell is there. Maybe just a mention of the police departing.
he poked Ruth with his gun, "give me your phone." - both He and Give should be capitalised here. (He because it's a new sentence. Give because it's a new sentence within the dialogue)
Maisie got out but didn't budge from her side of it. / Maisie was slowly getting out of the driver's side, when Darrell caught movement and whirled around. - Maisie was already out of the car a few paragraph beforehand. remember your actions and sequencing.
Ruth was frantically wriggling out of the rope, her eyes watering, - there isn't actually any mention of her actually tying Ruth up and the action moves so swiftly there probably wasn't time.
A good story and enjoyable read.
All the best
G
Comment Written 20-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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Well, Mr. G, are you quite sure you got them all? You did have an error in your list of corrections for me, where you say, "Jed gies the warning."
Oh, and the use of ellipses in my dialogue rather that a dash was BECAUSE I intended trailing off.
Your going to such lengths of correction, certainly deserves a reward, so I will thank you kindly for the many catches, but as the magnitude is very daunting and demoralizing, and you demoted me to a 4, I feel that my thanks should be reward enough.
Thanks,
K
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I didn't demote the work. That would suggest a right to a higher star count which no one has a right to. But no worries I'll just skip next time
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suit yourself. so will I.
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No worries
Comment from Loretta Bigg
This is pretty good. It kept me reading even though it wasn't a whodunit, since we know right from the beginning who the killer obviously is. But there is a lot of action and that works.
Two things I would change, but that's up to you, of course. I wouldn't give your characters two name. I would give the dead woman a last name, the sheriff a last name and everyone else a first name. It's too short a story for double names and they jar a bit.
Also, in two places you switch to the present tense and that too is jarring because it gets in the way of the flow of the story and is very noticeable.
Otherwise, your story works for me. Good luck with the contest. You use the prompt line very well
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reply by the author on 18-Jun-2023
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This is pretty good. It kept me reading even though it wasn't a whodunit, since we know right from the beginning who the killer obviously is. But there is a lot of action and that works.
Two things I would change, but that's up to you, of course. I wouldn't give your characters two name. I would give the dead woman a last name, the sheriff a last name and everyone else a first name. It's too short a story for double names and they jar a bit.
Also, in two places you switch to the present tense and that too is jarring because it gets in the way of the flow of the story and is very noticeable.
Otherwise, your story works for me. Good luck with the contest. You use the prompt line very well
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2023
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this was my first effort at a murder mystery, and you may have known who killer probably was, but HIS killer was a surprise, I hope. I'll have to find the tense changes. sorry about that.
Comment from JT traveller
Along read but well worth the time. An interesting story to tell for the competition. It was exciting, the tempo was good, and your account held my interest until the end. Jacqueline
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2023
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Along read but well worth the time. An interesting story to tell for the competition. It was exciting, the tempo was good, and your account held my interest until the end. Jacqueline
Comment Written 18-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2023
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Thanks, Jacqueline! I'm so glad you liked it!
Katharine
Comment from Cherish Adams
Loved your short story! I was hooked immediately and wanted to continue reading. THAT is a big deal. :))) Everything made sense and no rereading to understand what was happening. Well done. You get my vote. Cherish
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2023
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Loved your short story! I was hooked immediately and wanted to continue reading. THAT is a big deal. :))) Everything made sense and no rereading to understand what was happening. Well done. You get my vote. Cherish
Comment Written 17-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2023
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thank you, ma'am!! and for the lovely 6!!! You couldn't have said anything nicer, and I really appreciate it.
Just got home from a wedding down in Corpus Christi. It is sooooo hot there and here. It is 103 degrees and humid, and feels like108 .
miserable. am going to crater. Many thanks again,
Katharine
Comment from royowen
I think this would rank with the best of those mystery stories written by Agatha Christie, with just enough mystery involved in them to make this a pretty good story, and you've got the added bonus of a happy ending to your great story, well done, good luck, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2023
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I think this would rank with the best of those mystery stories written by Agatha Christie, with just enough mystery involved in them to make this a pretty good story, and you've got the added bonus of a happy ending to your great story, well done, good luck, blessings Roy
Comment Written 17-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2023
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thanks, Roy! That is quite a compliment. It is my first effort at a murder mystery and your words not only make me smile but they are encouraging. Many thanks again!
Katharine
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Most welcome
Comment from GWHARGIS
I think you could expand this and get a novella out of this. You have a varied group of characters. I liked the action. Good flow to this. Maybe a murder mystery novella. Maisy and Ruth as the crime solvers. Great job. I enjoyed reading this. Gretchen
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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I think you could expand this and get a novella out of this. You have a varied group of characters. I liked the action. Good flow to this. Maybe a murder mystery novella. Maisy and Ruth as the crime solvers. Great job. I enjoyed reading this. Gretchen
Comment Written 16-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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hmmm
might be fun to try. thanks!
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
You did a great job with a complicated plot, Pome Lover.
Your contest entry had smooth flow, great details, and
interesting characters and dialogue. I could see all of the
action as I read. I know it seemed to be long, but the action
took place in just a relative short time. I believe all of the
backstory and added details were necessary. The ending was
a nic twist. I liked the inclusion of the blue jay and the lies
about her nest.
Thanks for sharing and best wishes in the contest, Jan
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2023
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You did a great job with a complicated plot, Pome Lover.
Your contest entry had smooth flow, great details, and
interesting characters and dialogue. I could see all of the
action as I read. I know it seemed to be long, but the action
took place in just a relative short time. I believe all of the
backstory and added details were necessary. The ending was
a nic twist. I liked the inclusion of the blue jay and the lies
about her nest.
Thanks for sharing and best wishes in the contest, Jan
Comment Written 15-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2023
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Thanks, Jan! And I appreciate the lovely 6. I know it was long. I got hung up on the bird business, which I'm sure male readers didn't care a flip about :) but I'm glad you did. It was fun to write. My first try at a murder mystery. Thanks again,
Katharine
Comment from WalkerMan
This is a well-written mystery tale about the sudden disappearance of an elderly woman widely known in her community. She had gruesomely been murdered in her kitchen, but no body was found.
The big Blue Jay, whose nest of chicks had fallen down the chimney of the now empty house, serves the dual purpose of showing us realtor Maisie's compassionate resourcefulness in moving the fallen nest to a bowl she had secured in the branches of a crepe myrtle in the front yard, and later the reason the deceased woman's savings were found. Clever plot design.
The episode at Darrel Smith's house shows him as an easily provoked abuser, especially to his wife, Alice. That explains Alice's action later on.
Deputy Sheriff Mort's attempt to blackmail Darrell sets his own fate, as he underestimates Darrel's capability and attitude; but his last words reveal Darrel's murder of the old woman and disposal of her body.
Maisie's call to her friend, Officer Jim Stratton, in a nearby town, sets up the solving the rest of the mystery, including Alice's shooting of Darrell before he can kill Maisie and her assistant, Ruth.
The wrap-up includes a bit of romance for a happier ending.
Superb, fascinating to read, and aptly illustrated.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2023
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This is a well-written mystery tale about the sudden disappearance of an elderly woman widely known in her community. She had gruesomely been murdered in her kitchen, but no body was found.
The big Blue Jay, whose nest of chicks had fallen down the chimney of the now empty house, serves the dual purpose of showing us realtor Maisie's compassionate resourcefulness in moving the fallen nest to a bowl she had secured in the branches of a crepe myrtle in the front yard, and later the reason the deceased woman's savings were found. Clever plot design.
The episode at Darrel Smith's house shows him as an easily provoked abuser, especially to his wife, Alice. That explains Alice's action later on.
Deputy Sheriff Mort's attempt to blackmail Darrell sets his own fate, as he underestimates Darrel's capability and attitude; but his last words reveal Darrel's murder of the old woman and disposal of her body.
Maisie's call to her friend, Officer Jim Stratton, in a nearby town, sets up the solving the rest of the mystery, including Alice's shooting of Darrell before he can kill Maisie and her assistant, Ruth.
The wrap-up includes a bit of romance for a happier ending.
Superb, fascinating to read, and aptly illustrated.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2023
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Thank you, sir! I appreciate the very lovely 6 and your kind words, and I also appreciate the catch. Will fix it post haste :)
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You are most welcome, Katharine. I see the simple correction, so I have removed my comment on it to leave you a clean review.
You are off to a good start with this genre of writing. :)) -- Mike
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thank you! :) You really have to think of lots of possibilities. I had to go back and change a couple of things because there was no way she could've known them at that point.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Wow! A regular modern day shoot 'em up. Good work.
Reading your story, I wondered about your profile. How could such a bloody story come from such a nice person??? (smiley face here)
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2023
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Wow! A regular modern day shoot 'em up. Good work.
Reading your story, I wondered about your profile. How could such a bloody story come from such a nice person??? (smiley face here)
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2023
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it was my first attempt (am sure it was obvious) at a murder, and thought it'd be fun to try. I got side tracked with the bird. You are so nice! Thank you for the lovely 6!!
and good wishes.
Katharine
Comment from JSD
A long read but worth the perseverance. A really engaging piece that is rich with characters and authentic sounding dialogue. And the whole thing is beautifully rounded off with your lovely ending. Well done!
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2023
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A long read but worth the perseverance. A really engaging piece that is rich with characters and authentic sounding dialogue. And the whole thing is beautifully rounded off with your lovely ending. Well done!
Comment Written 15-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2023
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thank you so much!! It was long - I kind of got side tracked with the bird. :) I really appreciate your comments!
Katharine
