Haiku(bluebells vivid hue)
Haiku3 total reviews
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, thank you for participating in the haiku club event. I love the haiku. Great entry with a good syllable count and connection between lines but needs a few changes. Beautiful presentation and imagery. You didn't show the difference between both forms.
Feedback and recommendations:
(add the titles the words "HAIKU" )
HAIKU
bluebells vivid hue
illumines forest floor-
wildflower display
(add the title: 5/7/5 POEM)
5/7/5 POEM
Rays of spring sunshine
illumine tapestry of
new woodland bluebells
Your 5/7/5 is a haiku, I would change it to make the difference clear
5/7/5 POEM
going for a walk
to the store, I found money
and bought an icecream
just an example, in the 5/7/5 you don't use nature or season so it's not a haiku. I know I said 5/7/5 poems can be haikuISH but for this event, you want to show the difference between both forms.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2023
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Hello, thank you for participating in the haiku club event. I love the haiku. Great entry with a good syllable count and connection between lines but needs a few changes. Beautiful presentation and imagery. You didn't show the difference between both forms.
Feedback and recommendations:
(add the titles the words "HAIKU" )
HAIKU
bluebells vivid hue
illumines forest floor-
wildflower display
(add the title: 5/7/5 POEM)
5/7/5 POEM
Rays of spring sunshine
illumine tapestry of
new woodland bluebells
Your 5/7/5 is a haiku, I would change it to make the difference clear
5/7/5 POEM
going for a walk
to the store, I found money
and bought an icecream
just an example, in the 5/7/5 you don't use nature or season so it's not a haiku. I know I said 5/7/5 poems can be haikuISH but for this event, you want to show the difference between both forms.
Comment Written 27-May-2023
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2023
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Thanks for taking time to read and review with such useful nuggets of info and suggestions! zanya
Comment from RodG
I commend you for experimenting with various ways of describing this scene. Neither version works for me because you depend so heavily on the verb ILLUMINE which sticks out like a sore thumb. May I suggest BRIGHTENS?
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2023
 |
I commend you for experimenting with various ways of describing this scene. Neither version works for me because you depend so heavily on the verb ILLUMINE which sticks out like a sore thumb. May I suggest BRIGHTENS?
Comment Written 27-May-2023
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2023
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Yes I agree entirely ! thanks for sharing zanya
Comment from Sally Law
Both are wonderful, Zanya! I love both of these forms, whereas the 5-7-5 is more versatile in its theme. Beautifully penned and illustrated in short verse poetry. Sending you my best today as always and my very best for the challenge.
Sally XOs
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2023
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Both are wonderful, Zanya! I love both of these forms, whereas the 5-7-5 is more versatile in its theme. Beautifully penned and illustrated in short verse poetry. Sending you my best today as always and my very best for the challenge.
Sally XOs
Comment Written 27-May-2023
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2023
-
Thanks for reading zanya
