The Defender
quick thinker6 total reviews
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
I enjoyed the story, was well-told and entertaining. I can see a child stepping in to help his mom. I've mentioned a couple of fixes below. My only other comment is that there are three scenes in this story, and I wonder if the contest committee intend for the entire story to take place in the elevator? I don't know the contest rules, but you might want to be sure.
"A bad mad grabbed Momma and I socked him!" I think you mean "man"
The sentence that starts, Well, Sheriff, I tell you what . . . needs quotation marks at the front of the sentence.
Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 16-May-2023
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I enjoyed the story, was well-told and entertaining. I can see a child stepping in to help his mom. I've mentioned a couple of fixes below. My only other comment is that there are three scenes in this story, and I wonder if the contest committee intend for the entire story to take place in the elevator? I don't know the contest rules, but you might want to be sure.
"A bad mad grabbed Momma and I socked him!" I think you mean "man"
The sentence that starts, Well, Sheriff, I tell you what . . . needs quotation marks at the front of the sentence.
Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 16-May-2023
reply by the author on 16-May-2023
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oops. thanks. if the whole thing's supposed to be in the elevator, that knocks me out, but thanks for mentioning it. will fix other probs.
thank you.
Comment from Julie Lau
Hey, good story! Introduced tension early, and there were several surprises along the way, the best one being the last one, as it should be. Well done. Julie L
reply by the author on 16-May-2023
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Hey, good story! Introduced tension early, and there were several surprises along the way, the best one being the last one, as it should be. Well done. Julie L
Comment Written 16-May-2023
reply by the author on 16-May-2023
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thanks, Julie. Your very nice comments are appreciated!
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
Catch up fight and playing in the mud does sound a little messy. Boys will be boys. This little guy stood up against the bad fellow. He definitely had the knowledge of using karate.
reply by the author on 16-May-2023
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Catch up fight and playing in the mud does sound a little messy. Boys will be boys. This little guy stood up against the bad fellow. He definitely had the knowledge of using karate.
Comment Written 16-May-2023
reply by the author on 16-May-2023
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thanks
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I like your story. Davey certainly was a brave boy and a quick thinker to be able to save his Mom from the clutches of the bad man on the Elevator with them. I don't blame the Doctor for leaving the room quickly when Davey wanted to show and tell. LOL Very funny! Well done. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 16-May-2023
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I like your story. Davey certainly was a brave boy and a quick thinker to be able to save his Mom from the clutches of the bad man on the Elevator with them. I don't blame the Doctor for leaving the room quickly when Davey wanted to show and tell. LOL Very funny! Well done. Nancy:)
Comment Written 16-May-2023
reply by the author on 16-May-2023
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thank you, Nancy, and for the lovely 6!!! It is most appreciated!
Comment from LisaMay
I enjoyed reading your story. You described the situation well and it was action-packed and scary then with a great resolution. I'm pleased they were rescued so quickly. I thought the kid was funny when he was showing rather than just telling, balling his fist and making the men cringe.
And the last part was classic - good old grandpa and the ketchup fight, haha!!
reply by the author on 16-May-2023
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I enjoyed reading your story. You described the situation well and it was action-packed and scary then with a great resolution. I'm pleased they were rescued so quickly. I thought the kid was funny when he was showing rather than just telling, balling his fist and making the men cringe.
And the last part was classic - good old grandpa and the ketchup fight, haha!!
Comment Written 15-May-2023
reply by the author on 16-May-2023
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Thanks, Lisa May! I really appreciate your neat comments.
Comment from Charles W. Johnson
I enjoyed this story about little Davey's heroics in the elevator. I got a chuckle when he began to recreate his punch for the doctor. I think the line where she mutters about being stuck in the elevator may read better if she glanced at the grungy man first then said her line so that the reader knows to whom she is speaking while she says the line. Perhaps revise her line too so that it is less repetitive of what has just been described by the narrator, maybe something like "Gawd, doesn't this suck?" Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 16-May-2023
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I enjoyed this story about little Davey's heroics in the elevator. I got a chuckle when he began to recreate his punch for the doctor. I think the line where she mutters about being stuck in the elevator may read better if she glanced at the grungy man first then said her line so that the reader knows to whom she is speaking while she says the line. Perhaps revise her line too so that it is less repetitive of what has just been described by the narrator, maybe something like "Gawd, doesn't this suck?" Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 15-May-2023
reply by the author on 16-May-2023
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well, actually, she was talking to herself, which is something I do all the time, but I see your point. Thanks for reading and suggestions.
