Sam and Snow
A baseball story of determination28 total reviews
Comment from Jim Wile
Great start, John. Two suggestions, though.
I think it would be a more effective start if your first line was, "MOM!" Sam yelled. "Where are my baseball socks? Coach says I can't play if I don't wear them." That gets the emphasis on your lead character rather than the mom. Your next sentence could then pick up where you began it.
Also, you've given a nice description of your other main character, Snow, but you haven't described Sam yet. I think I would do that first. You may consider presenting Snow's backstory a little more gradually than that complete backstory you gave. I love the backstory, but I think it may be more effective if broken up a little.
In my first draft of Some Call It Luck (not the version I presented on FS), I put E.J.'s backstory in one single information dump, and it was not as effective as breaking it up into flashbacks. Sometimes it's better to feed details gradually.
This promises to be an interesting story, and I look forward to reading more of it. Jim
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2023
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Great start, John. Two suggestions, though.
I think it would be a more effective start if your first line was, "MOM!" Sam yelled. "Where are my baseball socks? Coach says I can't play if I don't wear them." That gets the emphasis on your lead character rather than the mom. Your next sentence could then pick up where you began it.
Also, you've given a nice description of your other main character, Snow, but you haven't described Sam yet. I think I would do that first. You may consider presenting Snow's backstory a little more gradually than that complete backstory you gave. I love the backstory, but I think it may be more effective if broken up a little.
In my first draft of Some Call It Luck (not the version I presented on FS), I put E.J.'s backstory in one single information dump, and it was not as effective as breaking it up into flashbacks. Sometimes it's better to feed details gradually.
This promises to be an interesting story, and I look forward to reading more of it. Jim
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2023
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Thank for the great feedback, Jim. I like and understand your point of emphasis by starting with "Mom" etc etc.
Point taken about introducing Snow a little more slowly.
The next chapter reveals Sam is a girl, short for Samantha. Should I bring that to the first chapter?
I appreciate all your feedback, thanks.
John
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That's an interesting question. It might be fun to give her somewhat of a description in chapter 1, but leave that little detail until chapter 2. I think that would be a nice, surprising touch.
One more thing I've thought of to say: While you are writing your first draft of anything, don't be too concerned about grammar or spelling; it will just slow you down. However, before presenting your chapters to FanStorians, consider sending the pages through an online grammar checker.
I use one called https://quillbot.com/grammar-check
It's free, and you just enter your text online. I usually enter a page at a time. It's quite good for grammar, punctuation, and spelling, although it screws up occasionally, especially on a sentence of dialog like the following: "That's wonderful," said John. "I can't wait to try it." Not always, but you can always tell when it has.
Try putting your pages through it, and see what you get. Also, I would recommend that you refresh the page each time before putting in new text by clicking the little circle with the arrow next to the forward and back buttons. I found that if you go too long without refreshing, it can get screwed up and not find any errors, when really there are some.
Comment from papa55mike
The story sounds like the perfect beginning in a middle schooler's morning before the game. What a wonderfully written story and I didn't see anything wrong. Best of luck with your writing!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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The story sounds like the perfect beginning in a middle schooler's morning before the game. What a wonderfully written story and I didn't see anything wrong. Best of luck with your writing!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Wow. Thank you, Mike for a fantastic confidence building review!
Those six stars makes it a home run.
John
Comment from Ginda Simpson
You have really achieved a great sense of time and place with this story so far. I am a little confused. Was Sam locked accidentally in the cage with Snow? And what was the condition and what does the condition have to do with baseball?
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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You have really achieved a great sense of time and place with this story so far. I am a little confused. Was Sam locked accidentally in the cage with Snow? And what was the condition and what does the condition have to do with baseball?
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Thank you, Ginda for a great review. It?s a baseball book, but because I love dogs, I wanted to introduce one of mine in the story.
John
Comment from Ben Colder
Someone asked me what sports I liked. I told them Girl's softball. The love for each other and the game keeps me glued to the happenings. I can see your story unfold to be a typical modern-day family who love sports.
Good one, John. Sorry out of six.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Someone asked me what sports I liked. I told them Girl's softball. The love for each other and the game keeps me glued to the happenings. I can see your story unfold to be a typical modern-day family who love sports.
Good one, John. Sorry out of six.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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I coached girls softball for three seasons with my daughter. She rolled her eyes when I accepted the request to coach a team, but we (she) ended up having a blast!
Thanks, Ben, for reading.
John
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Alabama is losing Montanan Foulk this year. Wonder who they got that will at least tie her record. I am a catcher by heart. My position during high school. Yogi was my hero. Lost interest in the men's games.
Comment from Wendy G
To tell the truth there were two parts. I was a bit confused at first as there is a time shift. Maybe put a line of asterisks to separate the back story from the current situation at breakfast where Sam seems pretty helpless finding his things. Hoping to be helpful.
Wendy
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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To tell the truth there were two parts. I was a bit confused at first as there is a time shift. Maybe put a line of asterisks to separate the back story from the current situation at breakfast where Sam seems pretty helpless finding his things. Hoping to be helpful.
Wendy
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Hi Wendy. I welcome all suggestions in my book attempt.
Thank you so much.
John
Comment from Ricky1024
"Sam and Snow" was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and Flowed well with no Grammar Issu....
My Complete Synopsis:
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned Perfectly.
Thanks for sharing this and have a great day.
Doctor Ricky
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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"Sam and Snow" was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and Flowed well with no Grammar Issu....
My Complete Synopsis:
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned Perfectly.
Thanks for sharing this and have a great day.
Doctor Ricky
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Thank you
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Truthfull, the story was fine, but it surely, in my mind, isn't about baseball which drew me in being a fan since the Whiz Kids on the fifties. I was hopeful, and yet I love dogs too.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2023
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Truthfull, the story was fine, but it surely, in my mind, isn't about baseball which drew me in being a fan since the Whiz Kids on the fifties. I was hopeful, and yet I love dogs too.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2023
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As in the notes? this is the first chapter of a middle school baseball story.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Nice neat ending closing off this very well expressed prose. The dialogue is skilfully done to sound very real and the description of breakfast is so mouth-wateringly delicious that, frankly I was still thinking about that further down the line! I would make one possible suggestion. Once we moved into the dog part, I was wondering where this was going. It was as if I was reading another story. Could it be slightly shorter, more concise, perhaps including a brief subtle reference to Sam's untidiness (without giving the conclusion away) to provide some unity to the 2 parts of the story? Just a thought. And succinctness is always good. Sometimes, even if you're not limited to a certain word count, it might help to set yourself targets, condensing and refining as much as possible. I'm only saying this (and am far from an expert!) because having just done a 100 word count, ridiculous(!) but it really concentrates and disciplines the mind. Sorry to be so long-winded. You write extremely evocatively and I'm just so impressed that you're actually inviting an honest critique, a rare thing here (you often have to tip-toe) Good luck! Take care, Debbie
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Nice neat ending closing off this very well expressed prose. The dialogue is skilfully done to sound very real and the description of breakfast is so mouth-wateringly delicious that, frankly I was still thinking about that further down the line! I would make one possible suggestion. Once we moved into the dog part, I was wondering where this was going. It was as if I was reading another story. Could it be slightly shorter, more concise, perhaps including a brief subtle reference to Sam's untidiness (without giving the conclusion away) to provide some unity to the 2 parts of the story? Just a thought. And succinctness is always good. Sometimes, even if you're not limited to a certain word count, it might help to set yourself targets, condensing and refining as much as possible. I'm only saying this (and am far from an expert!) because having just done a 100 word count, ridiculous(!) but it really concentrates and disciplines the mind. Sorry to be so long-winded. You write extremely evocatively and I'm just so impressed that you're actually inviting an honest critique, a rare thing here (you often have to tip-toe) Good luck! Take care, Debbie
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Thank you, Debbie for your review. Sorry for the late response.
Your type of review is what I?m after. You are correct, some reviewers are harsh and abrupt, but I think they mean well. Some writers are soft skinned and can?t accept any form of critique.
Again, thank you for your thoughts. I have much to consider.
Cheers,
John
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You're so welcome.
