Sam and Snow
A baseball story of determination28 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
it may be an idea to mention at the top that this is the first part of a bigger story. I had no idea until I reached the bottom and felt a bit cheated! Lol
Whilst it's nice to add colour to a piece, take care where you add it to. The beginning with all the breakfast detailing felt a bit like filler.
I can't find'em.- should be a space after find.
made Sam, Snows tweener, - Snow's.
previous owners, the Brannigan's, - Brannigans doesn't need the apostrophe.
and Snows sheer playfulness, - Snow's.
Sam kept a eye on Snow throughout the day, - an eye.
During one of her many visits, Sam managed to open the cage - this is the first mention that Sam was female.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 01-May-2023
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Hi there,
it may be an idea to mention at the top that this is the first part of a bigger story. I had no idea until I reached the bottom and felt a bit cheated! Lol
Whilst it's nice to add colour to a piece, take care where you add it to. The beginning with all the breakfast detailing felt a bit like filler.
I can't find'em.- should be a space after find.
made Sam, Snows tweener, - Snow's.
previous owners, the Brannigan's, - Brannigans doesn't need the apostrophe.
and Snows sheer playfulness, - Snow's.
Sam kept a eye on Snow throughout the day, - an eye.
During one of her many visits, Sam managed to open the cage - this is the first mention that Sam was female.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 01-May-2023
reply by the author on 01-May-2023
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Thank you, GMG. You provided exactly the type of review I need.
John
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
A couple of suggestions. There are a few spags which could easily be cleaned up with the help of a program like Grammarly (I find it well worth the money I pay for it). Also, if this is a story for kids to read, it needs to be told from Sam's point of view. I don't think a 6-8 grader is going to be interested in reading a story with an adult's POV. Or have Snow tell the story if he will be in all the scenes.
I like what you're telling us so far, and that last sentence will make the readers want to come back to see what that "one condition" is:-)
Good luck with your new project.
Pam
reply by the author on 01-May-2023
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A couple of suggestions. There are a few spags which could easily be cleaned up with the help of a program like Grammarly (I find it well worth the money I pay for it). Also, if this is a story for kids to read, it needs to be told from Sam's point of view. I don't think a 6-8 grader is going to be interested in reading a story with an adult's POV. Or have Snow tell the story if he will be in all the scenes.
I like what you're telling us so far, and that last sentence will make the readers want to come back to see what that "one condition" is:-)
Good luck with your new project.
Pam
Comment Written 30-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 01-May-2023
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Thank you, Pam. Exactly the type of review I was looking for,
John
Comment from Ulla
Hi John, you have created some very likable characters, and set the scene very well. At one point you say Snow is a tweener and then it's a puppy, unless the scene at the rescue place was some years earlier. If so you should maybe let that being clearer.
Now, I'm looking forward to what's next. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2023
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Hi John, you have created some very likable characters, and set the scene very well. At one point you say Snow is a tweener and then it's a puppy, unless the scene at the rescue place was some years earlier. If so you should maybe let that being clearer.
Now, I'm looking forward to what's next. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 30-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2023
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Thank you Ulla for that point and wanting the next chapter.
John
Comment from Soledadpaz
Suggest open with your third paragraph to establish the character right off the bat (no pun intended!). The next few sentences let us see Sam's interests and quirks. She (I assume by the pigtails that Sam is a girl, which makes the tale far more interesting, in my opinion) comes across as focused, yet a little scatterbrained, as most kids are at that age, at least, mine were.
The opening paragraph about the food could be used later when Sam finally comes downstairs to eat. While her mother goes into details of what she prepared, Sam could just roll her eyes. She just wants food.
Perhaps go into Snow's backstory across several chapters, and in this one establish how Snow is basically Sam's shadow, always at her side.
a-sap, suggest: right now
be there in a jif, suggest: be right there, or simply: OK
In the context of "Sam and Snow," suggest: (her) four-year-old golden retriever
wherever you (found) Sam, Snow was never far behind.
Brannigans, no apostrophe
with the hope (that) she would be adopted
Sam kept (an) eye on Snow
oftentimes, one word
nonstop, one word
Definitely a good start.
Sol
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2023
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Suggest open with your third paragraph to establish the character right off the bat (no pun intended!). The next few sentences let us see Sam's interests and quirks. She (I assume by the pigtails that Sam is a girl, which makes the tale far more interesting, in my opinion) comes across as focused, yet a little scatterbrained, as most kids are at that age, at least, mine were.
The opening paragraph about the food could be used later when Sam finally comes downstairs to eat. While her mother goes into details of what she prepared, Sam could just roll her eyes. She just wants food.
Perhaps go into Snow's backstory across several chapters, and in this one establish how Snow is basically Sam's shadow, always at her side.
a-sap, suggest: right now
be there in a jif, suggest: be right there, or simply: OK
In the context of "Sam and Snow," suggest: (her) four-year-old golden retriever
wherever you (found) Sam, Snow was never far behind.
Brannigans, no apostrophe
with the hope (that) she would be adopted
Sam kept (an) eye on Snow
oftentimes, one word
nonstop, one word
Definitely a good start.
Sol
Comment Written 29-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2023
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Thank you, Sol for this marvelous review. I understand and agree with your points. I really appreciate the fact you took your time on this for me!
John
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You're welcome. Perhaps you could include a scene about Sam and Snow snuggled in bed and then in a couple of sentences flash back to when she crawled into the cage with the dog.
The trouble with long flashbacks is that they slow the pace down and drag the story a little. Your target audience, middle-grade readers might lose interest.
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I understand what you?re saying. I?ll probably rewrite chapter one before I post any further chapters.
Thank you for your help, Sol!
John
Comment from Jumbo J
Hi John
you create great characters and a very relatable story. You have a great knack with this genre and style of writing John... and I love reading them. Simple, yet cute... and there is enough background, banter and depth to allow the story to go places. Well done my friend... truly enjoyed it!
Sam kept 'an' eye on Snow throughout the day.
I'd also omit... smile at her and say hi 'to the puppy', as you alluded earlier that Snow is a tweener, not a puppy... also it reads better with you next sentence reverting back to tweener.
With our thoughts we create...
a tight bond.
Kind regards,
James.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Hi John
you create great characters and a very relatable story. You have a great knack with this genre and style of writing John... and I love reading them. Simple, yet cute... and there is enough background, banter and depth to allow the story to go places. Well done my friend... truly enjoyed it!
Sam kept 'an' eye on Snow throughout the day.
I'd also omit... smile at her and say hi 'to the puppy', as you alluded earlier that Snow is a tweener, not a puppy... also it reads better with you next sentence reverting back to tweener.
With our thoughts we create...
a tight bond.
Kind regards,
James.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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James,
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts and suggestions.
I appreciate it and is exactly what I?m looking for. This is my first attempt at a book and I need all the help I can get!
Thank you again, my brother.
John
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My pleasure John, I'm not your prolific writer, but if I can help at all, I will.
I will always be as honest as my manners will allow... smile((((((((.
This is your wheelhouse my Brother! You've got books in you; go forth and conquer!
Comment from BethShelby
I thought it was a good story for this age level. As far as a baseball story there wasn't a lot a lot about baseball other required wear and equipment which the kid kept misplacing. The story was more about food and adopting a dog.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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I thought it was a good story for this age level. As far as a baseball story there wasn't a lot a lot about baseball other required wear and equipment which the kid kept misplacing. The story was more about food and adopting a dog.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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This is only chapter 1 of a middle school book I?m attempting (see author notes).
Thank you for reading, Beth.
John
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Ok. I missed the fact it was the beginning of a book. It is good beginning.
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No problem. Thanks.
Comment from Mintybee
I liked the story. The characters were cute. The story is cute. Everybody loves a good boy-and-his-dog story. You asked for honest critiques on grammar. There are a number of mistakes, which is why I gave you four stars. The ones I caught were "a-sap" instead of ASAP. It can still be pronounced the same way as a-sap, but a-sap is not how you write out that acronym. Another mistake is, "Wherever you find Sam, Snow was never far behind. They were inseparable." Your verb tense shifts in the middle of a sentence. You can fix it by saying, "Wherever Sam was, Show was never far behind." A couple of times you forgot the apostrophe to make Snow possessive. You wrote Snows, as in plural. "Snows tweener," for example. Later you say that Sam liked to say hi to the puppy, but then say he crawled into the cage to visit the tweener. It's inconsistent to call the puppy a tweener after telling us that a tweener is older than a puppy. If he was a puppy at the time, fine, but then don't call Snow a tweener in the same paragraph. It's confusing. I hope that was helpful. I think your story has a lot of heart, and potential. And congrats on the Recognized status!
Mintybee
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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I liked the story. The characters were cute. The story is cute. Everybody loves a good boy-and-his-dog story. You asked for honest critiques on grammar. There are a number of mistakes, which is why I gave you four stars. The ones I caught were "a-sap" instead of ASAP. It can still be pronounced the same way as a-sap, but a-sap is not how you write out that acronym. Another mistake is, "Wherever you find Sam, Snow was never far behind. They were inseparable." Your verb tense shifts in the middle of a sentence. You can fix it by saying, "Wherever Sam was, Show was never far behind." A couple of times you forgot the apostrophe to make Snow possessive. You wrote Snows, as in plural. "Snows tweener," for example. Later you say that Sam liked to say hi to the puppy, but then say he crawled into the cage to visit the tweener. It's inconsistent to call the puppy a tweener after telling us that a tweener is older than a puppy. If he was a puppy at the time, fine, but then don't call Snow a tweener in the same paragraph. It's confusing. I hope that was helpful. I think your story has a lot of heart, and potential. And congrats on the Recognized status!
Mintybee
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Thank you, Minty. This is the type of review I was looking for.
I appreciate all you?ve written and will look at each point.
John
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You're welcome. Happy writing!
Comment from royowen
You've always written very well John. Great descriptive opening with the early food lust interested in the wonderful breakfast served. I remember what I read as a boy, and o think I would have liked this. I loved the connection that Sam had with Snow, and being a lover of happy endings I loved it, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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You've always written very well John. Great descriptive opening with the early food lust interested in the wonderful breakfast served. I remember what I read as a boy, and o think I would have liked this. I loved the connection that Sam had with Snow, and being a lover of happy endings I loved it, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Thank you, Roy for all the kind words in your review.
John
Comment from kiwisteveh
I would perhaps add a note at the start of the story to alert readers that this is just the first part of a longer story - at least that's what I gathered from the notes at the end!
You have quite a lively story - assisted by dialogue - and there are flashes of humour as well. Again your notes explain the audience this is aimed at - something that a reader may also want to know in advance so they can judge it accordingly.
Looks pretty good to me.
Steve
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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I would perhaps add a note at the start of the story to alert readers that this is just the first part of a longer story - at least that's what I gathered from the notes at the end!
You have quite a lively story - assisted by dialogue - and there are flashes of humour as well. Again your notes explain the audience this is aimed at - something that a reader may also want to know in advance so they can judge it accordingly.
Looks pretty good to me.
Steve
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Thank you, Steve. I appreciate your time to read my post.
John
Comment from LJbutterfly
This is an interesting story that on the surface, sounds like a great story for the grade level you mentioned in your notes.
I once entered a contest on this site that required you to write a story for high school students that read at the third grade level. The contest required you to paste your story on a particular website that told you the grade level of your writing. The website was amazing and fun. You put in the level you want from elementary to college, and it highlighted words below or above the level. The website is:
https://readabilityformulas.com/freetests/six-readability-formulas.php
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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This is an interesting story that on the surface, sounds like a great story for the grade level you mentioned in your notes.
I once entered a contest on this site that required you to write a story for high school students that read at the third grade level. The contest required you to paste your story on a particular website that told you the grade level of your writing. The website was amazing and fun. You put in the level you want from elementary to college, and it highlighted words below or above the level. The website is:
https://readabilityformulas.com/freetests/six-readability-formulas.php
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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LJ. Thank you for that information. I should find it very useful.
Also, I appreciate your time.
John
