The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "A Glimpse of a Viper"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
3 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
'... the valley of the Suen River, a distant serpent of silver surrounded by rich green farmland.' Love the description!
Suggestions to consider:
'... but she didn't consider herself anywhere near the mastery (that) her Sut Resi friends had achieved.' Delete 'that'.
'... gradually decreasing her pace as they neared a fork from the river so (that) she wouldn't abruptly dump her rider.' Delete 'that'.
'After a few minutes, a man in Nadaren armor strode (out) into the clearing... ' Delete 'out'.
'I cannot conceal your appearance without prompting questions from Kulziya (that) we may not wish to stir... ' Delete 'that'.
'I have already planted the seeds and told Kulziya many fanciful stories (that) he is certain to spread.' Delete 'that'.
'I promise you (that) Tudhaliya will hear that above all other things.' Delete 'that'.
My heart skipped a beat when Ilati saw the Nadaren rider. To know her quest in Ulmanna which was already complicated is now further complicated adds an extra intrigue. I can hardly wait for the next chapter!
You are a skilled and talented writer. I understand the 'blip' phenomena as I often feel that way myself. But I want you to know if I had this book in my hand, I would be glued to it until I finished it. Beautifully written with amazing descriptions, intrigue, wonderful and in-depth characters--you've got it all! I truly mean it when I say I can hardly wait to read more!
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2023
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'... the valley of the Suen River, a distant serpent of silver surrounded by rich green farmland.' Love the description!
Suggestions to consider:
'... but she didn't consider herself anywhere near the mastery (that) her Sut Resi friends had achieved.' Delete 'that'.
'... gradually decreasing her pace as they neared a fork from the river so (that) she wouldn't abruptly dump her rider.' Delete 'that'.
'After a few minutes, a man in Nadaren armor strode (out) into the clearing... ' Delete 'out'.
'I cannot conceal your appearance without prompting questions from Kulziya (that) we may not wish to stir... ' Delete 'that'.
'I have already planted the seeds and told Kulziya many fanciful stories (that) he is certain to spread.' Delete 'that'.
'I promise you (that) Tudhaliya will hear that above all other things.' Delete 'that'.
My heart skipped a beat when Ilati saw the Nadaren rider. To know her quest in Ulmanna which was already complicated is now further complicated adds an extra intrigue. I can hardly wait for the next chapter!
You are a skilled and talented writer. I understand the 'blip' phenomena as I often feel that way myself. But I want you to know if I had this book in my hand, I would be glued to it until I finished it. Beautifully written with amazing descriptions, intrigue, wonderful and in-depth characters--you've got it all! I truly mean it when I say I can hardly wait to read more!
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2023
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I'm glad Sarhad's appearance had an effect. He'll be fun to get more detail into when things hit full swing in Ulmanna. I think with Kulziya's hints and Ilati's experience, some parts are clear, but I want to be sure I walk the talk. I really appreciate all the time and attention you've given this project. I'm sorry that you feel the blip as well, but please know that I'm very grateful for all of your help. Have a wonderful weekend and week. Thank you!
Comment from Evelyn Hopkins
I like the story! Exciting topic and idea. I also like how there's a lot of depth to the story. It provides imagery and a hook to keep you interested. I hope you have a good day :)
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2023
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I like the story! Exciting topic and idea. I also like how there's a lot of depth to the story. It provides imagery and a hook to keep you interested. I hope you have a good day :)
Comment Written 21-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2023
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Thank you for taking a look at this! I know it?s longer, so I appreciate the time invested. I?m glad it came out well. Have a good Friday to go with your weekend!
Comment from Douglas Goff
This is my first jump into this book. It is a very Interesting read.
I really like the use of the u inquest names. It adds authenticity.
You have a great grasp on grammar. Here are a couple of fine tunes if you want to tighten up your writing.
1) Watch the overuse of the dialogue tag "said". The very first time you used it you did t even need it.
2) you start a lot of paragraphs with the word "Hati". Don't change the story. Just switch up the sentence structure to move "Hati" deeper into the sentence.
(Just my two cents).
Great job here. You created an interesting tale.
D.
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2023
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This is my first jump into this book. It is a very Interesting read.
I really like the use of the u inquest names. It adds authenticity.
You have a great grasp on grammar. Here are a couple of fine tunes if you want to tighten up your writing.
1) Watch the overuse of the dialogue tag "said". The very first time you used it you did t even need it.
2) you start a lot of paragraphs with the word "Hati". Don't change the story. Just switch up the sentence structure to move "Hati" deeper into the sentence.
(Just my two cents).
Great job here. You created an interesting tale.
D.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2023
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I?ll go through and see what I can do to restructure things and trim out some dialogue tags. Thank you for the critique, it?s really helpful! Have a wonderful weekend!
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Unique names. Sorry spell check
Is my nemesis.
