The Escape
Horror Story with Children contest entry7 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Nelms-Ludwig
This is a well-written entry into The Horror Children's story contest.
The text is a great size. That's important for longer readings. The plot is developed well, and it does not feel rushed until the recue by the older brother. That section could be developed better. Look like his brother would have notified some adult before burning down the house and all the evidence of that crazy man's wrongdoings. The word mannequin is misspelled in your story. The visual fits the ending. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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This is a well-written entry into The Horror Children's story contest.
The text is a great size. That's important for longer readings. The plot is developed well, and it does not feel rushed until the recue by the older brother. That section could be developed better. Look like his brother would have notified some adult before burning down the house and all the evidence of that crazy man's wrongdoings. The word mannequin is misspelled in your story. The visual fits the ending. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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Thank you so much for the great review and for catching the goof, Sandra. I'm surprised no one else mentioned it. I didn't have a whole lot of room left with the word count limit for development. I just wanted his brother to take out his own brand of justice to insure that guy could never slip through the cracks of the law and be freed to do it again. I really appreciate the generous stars and good luck wishes. I'm glad you liked the piece.
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You are welcome.
Comment from pookietoo
Excellent story, but I don't understand how the house caught on fire. Will you tell me? Thanks for participating in my contest. Have a great night. Take care.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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Excellent story, but I don't understand how the house caught on fire. Will you tell me? Thanks for participating in my contest. Have a great night. Take care.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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Thank you so much for the great review and giant sixer, Pookie. The older brother started the fire. That's why he told Daniel to stay at the end of the driveway. He grabbed the stuff he needed to start a fire before he went out there. Then told Daniel that the man wouldn't be doing that any more. Yeah, the brother started the fire.
Thank you again for the generous stars and for throwing the contest, P. I had fun with it. Have a wonderful rest of your weekend.
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Congrats on your win, did you win thirty member dollars?
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Thank you, Pookie. I had fun your contest. Yep, they paid me for it. Have yourself a great day.
:)
Ron
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Did you win 30 member dollars? That is what I figured with only six of us entering. Did you read my monster story?
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Yes, I'm pretty sure it was 30. Yes, I always read all the entries when I'm in a contest. I'm just a bit to lazy when it comes to reviewing. Lol. I work a lot and barely have the time to post stuff on here, let alone review. Haha.
Thanks again for throwing the contest, Pookie.
:)
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You are welcome.
Comment from F. William Lester
Good horror story. If I was an eight-year-old boy in that situation, I be out of my mind with fear. You kept the tension up and brought it to a good conclusion. Comments: granted, you were limited to six hundred words, but this would be a stronger story if you lengthened it and developed the conflict and cause of Daniel's captivity. Not here, of course, but later when this contest is over. Maybe make it a book. Just a thought. One other comment: in the second paragraph, you began four consecutive sentences with the pronoun "he". Vary the length and structure of your sentences, otherwise as in the above example, the structure becomes annoying to the reader. Repetition can be effective, but only if it is used judiciously. I enjoyed your story. Thanks for sharing it and stay well. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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Good horror story. If I was an eight-year-old boy in that situation, I be out of my mind with fear. You kept the tension up and brought it to a good conclusion. Comments: granted, you were limited to six hundred words, but this would be a stronger story if you lengthened it and developed the conflict and cause of Daniel's captivity. Not here, of course, but later when this contest is over. Maybe make it a book. Just a thought. One other comment: in the second paragraph, you began four consecutive sentences with the pronoun "he". Vary the length and structure of your sentences, otherwise as in the above example, the structure becomes annoying to the reader. Repetition can be effective, but only if it is used judiciously. I enjoyed your story. Thanks for sharing it and stay well. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2023
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Thank you for the great review, FWL. Yeah, this would make a better story if I could lengthen it up. I had a lot more ideas but didn't have the room with 600 words. That one part with all the "he's" I was trying to make it like he was thinking this but I agree, too many. Lol. I really appreciate the great review and stars, friend. I'm glad you liked the piece. Have a great rest of your weekend.
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Thank you. I'm glad my comments helped. Have a great weekend as well.
Comment from country ranch writer
They should gave called the police when the fund out they will pat fit his death but the children's parents will never know to have closer.another sad story children shouldn't read.
Judy saying.
Feb.3-2023.should have warning on page
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2023
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They should gave called the police when the fund out they will pat fit his death but the children's parents will never know to have closer.another sad story children shouldn't read.
Judy saying.
Feb.3-2023.should have warning on page
Comment Written 03-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2023
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Yeah, I had this idea for the ending before I started so I just had the brother take out his own brand of justice. Maybe I misunderstood the rules. It didn't say to write a horror story for children. It asked for a horror story with children in it. So that's the direction I went with. Thank you for the great review and stars, Country. Have yourself a wonderful weekend.
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Welcome Same to you my friend
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Welcome Same to you my friend
Comment from giraffmang
HI there,
there's two entries in this competition so far and both feature a child by the name of Billy! This is the better of the two.
There's some good stuff in here but the mechanics of the scene may need a bit of tweaking. it's not major stuff and only for clarity. mind you, no one else will probably notice it.
The first few points are misconception on my part when reading but I've left them in because it demonstrates the clarity issue.
How would Billy have known he didn't take the knife upstairs? Given that the door was closed, he couldn't possibly know if the knife had been removed or not after the door was closed. Think about the mechanics of the scene and put yourself where Billy is.
and opened the, freezer like, door. - I would hyphenate freezer-like and you don't need any of commas.
cut the plastic band and slammed the door behind him. - why would he slam the door? Given it's freezer-like, it would make a lot of noise. Even an 8 year old knows that would draw attention.
He knew the door upstairs was locked. He heard it numerous times.- again, if he was tied up in a different rom and the door was closed, he's highly unlikely to have heard this through a heavy freezer-like door.
With no way to reach it nor anything to smash it,- there's a wooden table, a manikin and a knife. Avergae height of an 8 yr old boy is around 4ft 6 inches, meaning the window is only about a floor and a half above him which is pretty much in reach. Especially given there's stuff in the room he could use to escape.
Okay, I've figured it out now, you might want to make it clearer where he is and where things are in relation one another. From reading I thought the freezer-like door was a way out of the room he was in, with the stairs at the end. The thing is you know the layout of your scene in your head but it needs to fully translate on the page to the reader. Put yourself in Billy's place and then describe the setting, that's what needs to go on the page for clarity.
It didn't feel that plausible to me that the killer would leave the knife down there in an unlocked room given that although Billy was tied up, he wasn't tied to anything, meaning he could have moved around and opened that door without having his hand freed.
slammed the heavy cellar door shut and locked the two massive deadbolts before hearing the man smash into it.- there was no mention of any bolts before. Why wouldn't the killer have used them?
Why wouldn't the brother either tell Billy to phone the police or do it himself? The response time would have been much quicker surely. (or even the mother?)
as the house burned to the ground until the screaming inside stopped. - the sequencing here is off. The screaming inside would stop first then the house burn down.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2023
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HI there,
there's two entries in this competition so far and both feature a child by the name of Billy! This is the better of the two.
There's some good stuff in here but the mechanics of the scene may need a bit of tweaking. it's not major stuff and only for clarity. mind you, no one else will probably notice it.
The first few points are misconception on my part when reading but I've left them in because it demonstrates the clarity issue.
How would Billy have known he didn't take the knife upstairs? Given that the door was closed, he couldn't possibly know if the knife had been removed or not after the door was closed. Think about the mechanics of the scene and put yourself where Billy is.
and opened the, freezer like, door. - I would hyphenate freezer-like and you don't need any of commas.
cut the plastic band and slammed the door behind him. - why would he slam the door? Given it's freezer-like, it would make a lot of noise. Even an 8 year old knows that would draw attention.
He knew the door upstairs was locked. He heard it numerous times.- again, if he was tied up in a different rom and the door was closed, he's highly unlikely to have heard this through a heavy freezer-like door.
With no way to reach it nor anything to smash it,- there's a wooden table, a manikin and a knife. Avergae height of an 8 yr old boy is around 4ft 6 inches, meaning the window is only about a floor and a half above him which is pretty much in reach. Especially given there's stuff in the room he could use to escape.
Okay, I've figured it out now, you might want to make it clearer where he is and where things are in relation one another. From reading I thought the freezer-like door was a way out of the room he was in, with the stairs at the end. The thing is you know the layout of your scene in your head but it needs to fully translate on the page to the reader. Put yourself in Billy's place and then describe the setting, that's what needs to go on the page for clarity.
It didn't feel that plausible to me that the killer would leave the knife down there in an unlocked room given that although Billy was tied up, he wasn't tied to anything, meaning he could have moved around and opened that door without having his hand freed.
slammed the heavy cellar door shut and locked the two massive deadbolts before hearing the man smash into it.- there was no mention of any bolts before. Why wouldn't the killer have used them?
Why wouldn't the brother either tell Billy to phone the police or do it himself? The response time would have been much quicker surely. (or even the mother?)
as the house burned to the ground until the screaming inside stopped. - the sequencing here is off. The screaming inside would stop first then the house burn down.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2023
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Hey, GMG, hello. I'll have to go tweak this up a lot, looks like. Lol. Yeah, I had to shave some words for it all to fit within 600 words but now I just have juggle them around. First off, I didn't know there was a Billy in the other story. Thanks for getting me straight there.The picture I had in my head was the kid's tied to one of the house beams, with his arms behind him, in an otherwise empty basement. I see the beam was clearly left out. Jeez. This guy is going in another room (beginning of 2nd paragraph) and doing his dirty deeds. Billy can see him when he goes up the stairs. So, unless he has the butcher knife hidden in his pants, it's still down there.
Slamming the door behind him. He's on the outside of the door and the bad guy's gone so he's not much worried about the noise.
He knew the door upstairs was locked. He's not in the room, he's at the bottom of the stairs and hears the door lock with the two deadbolts. I'll be clearing that up here shortly. I now see how some folks aren't seeing the same scene I'm trying to create.
With no way to reach or smash it. Another part I didn't have clear was that basement, besides what's in that extra freezer room, was pretty well empty. I'll fix that too.
He wanted to be rescued by his is dear, loving brother I guess. Lol. Couldn't have killed the guy off if he'd called the cops or mom. Haha
The house would be close to burnt down before the fire actually reached the dude in the basement freezer room. But I'll probably reword that as well.
Thank you for the great detailed review and pointers, G. I'll see what I can do to clear things up. I really appreciate the help. Have a great weekend.
Comment from royowen
I like the fact that the boy got away, it was a haunt of a kidnapper of children whic were skinned, and a coat made from skin, but he escapes and locks the murderer in the cellar, and is burned to death, well done, quite definitely and horror story, well done, good luck, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2023
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I like the fact that the boy got away, it was a haunt of a kidnapper of children whic were skinned, and a coat made from skin, but he escapes and locks the murderer in the cellar, and is burned to death, well done, quite definitely and horror story, well done, good luck, blessings Roy
Comment Written 03-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2023
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Thank you for the great review, Roy. I really appreciate the generous stars, friend. The bad guy losses in the end of this one. Lol. Have a great weekend, Roy.
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Most welcome
Comment from Wendy G
Certainly a horror story on all counts. You wrote it well and the horror only increased as you progressed. It should be a strong contender. Sending you best wishes for the contest.
Wendy
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2023
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Certainly a horror story on all counts. You wrote it well and the horror only increased as you progressed. It should be a strong contender. Sending you best wishes for the contest.
Wendy
Comment Written 03-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2023
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Thank you for the great review, Wendy. Yeah, I had to let the bad guy get his just rewards in this one. Lol. I really appreciate the stars, W. Have yourself a wonderful weekend.
