The Internal ...
Fears are not always discernible to an observer6 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
This story jumps back and forth enough that even the reader is soon confused as to what is dream and what is the sad reality. ......................................
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2023
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This story jumps back and forth enough that even the reader is soon confused as to what is dream and what is the sad reality. ......................................
Comment Written 04-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2023
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Master Bill Schott: Thanks for stopping by and the stellar affirmation. I'm sorry about the difficulty. I did change font styles to indicate the changes. Fantasist
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
Conflicts are described as a disagreement among groups or individuals characterized by hostility. You had lots of hostility in your story. It is better to agree than not to agree; usually conflicts are fueled by the opposition of one party to another.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Conflicts are described as a disagreement among groups or individuals characterized by hostility. You had lots of hostility in your story. It is better to agree than not to agree; usually conflicts are fueled by the opposition of one party to another.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Uhm, I guess so. Not being a clinical psychologist, I'll presume this is your reaction based on your experiences in your universe. Live long and write well.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
Wat a traumatic tale of past and present wrecked life and damage. The only thing I didn't understand was why he apologized to Janice when he did for hurting her. I think I must have got muddled in the time-line somehow. kay
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Wat a traumatic tale of past and present wrecked life and damage. The only thing I didn't understand was why he apologized to Janice when he did for hurting her. I think I must have got muddled in the time-line somehow. kay
Comment Written 01-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Thanks for your kind attention and stellar affirmation. They are equally appreciated
Wonder why he was in the hospital in the first place? And, he apologizing after she brings him home?
Thanks for your interest. live long and write well.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Many thanks for entering the competition.
I would look at restructuring your opening paragraph a bit for clarity. It's not clear who is doing what at the beginning. When it says 'he turned to me' it's unclear whether it's the fiend or the friend until it turns back to the friend again.
When you refer to more than one character as 'he' it becomes confusing. Remember, you know who is who, but the reader doesn't.
"God damn, man, wake up." - goddamn could be a single word here. (and later on as well)
he restraints held me tight to the bed frame. - no mattress?
One of the men checked to meds record on my bed. - the meds?
"My eyes. He hurt my eyes," I said, "Tore one out."- technically, the second piece of dialogue here i continuing dialogue and should start lower case. Neither the first piece of dialogue is closed off or the speech tag with a definitive stop. Either that or close off with a period after said.
"It's okay gent. Full complement present. Look at me! Close one of your eyes. Now, how many fingers do you see? - need closing speech marks here.
"Son's of bitches ..."- Sons is just a plural here and needs no apostrophe.
"More like fifty and he was in rehab at Wadsworth for two years after he came home.:- missing closing speech marks here.
There wasn't room for anyonne else so, - anyone.
then prepared to folow up on our original patrol.- follow.
"God damn you to hell, you bastard. How does that feel? I hit him again and again until he was quiet. Exhausted, I collapsed over him."- move the closing speech marks to after 'feel?'.
The timeframe could do with a bit more clarity as to when all of these things happen. It jumps about a bit.
There's some good tension and a truly horrific premise in this tale.
Best of luck
GMG
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Hi there,
Many thanks for entering the competition.
I would look at restructuring your opening paragraph a bit for clarity. It's not clear who is doing what at the beginning. When it says 'he turned to me' it's unclear whether it's the fiend or the friend until it turns back to the friend again.
When you refer to more than one character as 'he' it becomes confusing. Remember, you know who is who, but the reader doesn't.
"God damn, man, wake up." - goddamn could be a single word here. (and later on as well)
he restraints held me tight to the bed frame. - no mattress?
One of the men checked to meds record on my bed. - the meds?
"My eyes. He hurt my eyes," I said, "Tore one out."- technically, the second piece of dialogue here i continuing dialogue and should start lower case. Neither the first piece of dialogue is closed off or the speech tag with a definitive stop. Either that or close off with a period after said.
"It's okay gent. Full complement present. Look at me! Close one of your eyes. Now, how many fingers do you see? - need closing speech marks here.
"Son's of bitches ..."- Sons is just a plural here and needs no apostrophe.
"More like fifty and he was in rehab at Wadsworth for two years after he came home.:- missing closing speech marks here.
There wasn't room for anyonne else so, - anyone.
then prepared to folow up on our original patrol.- follow.
"God damn you to hell, you bastard. How does that feel? I hit him again and again until he was quiet. Exhausted, I collapsed over him."- move the closing speech marks to after 'feel?'.
The timeframe could do with a bit more clarity as to when all of these things happen. It jumps about a bit.
There's some good tension and a truly horrific premise in this tale.
Best of luck
GMG
Comment Written 01-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
GMG: Thanks for stopping by and your considered response.
==Uhm, I think you might rightly assume the only one mobile is the rmentor, yes?
--Gee, how--no mattress? The scene is presumed to be in a hospital.
Profanity? Different strokes, identified as style. Yours is a valid comment.
No excuse for the punctuation. I keyed this thing into a posting in a flat thirty minutes, keying the Submit only a couple of minutes before 2100 PDT.
It was an interesting topic to consider. I'm certain you'll have several interesting variations on the theme.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Wow! This is powerful, violent and very frightening, I thought it was an alien attacking at first, then realised it was a dream and then reality dawned as keeping the peace means we go to war and see many horrors that just will not go away when we sleep. I am not sure if this is a personal experience or an observation, but this sure woke me up early this morning, good luck with the contest, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Wow! This is powerful, violent and very frightening, I thought it was an alien attacking at first, then realised it was a dream and then reality dawned as keeping the peace means we go to war and see many horrors that just will not go away when we sleep. I am not sure if this is a personal experience or an observation, but this sure woke me up early this morning, good luck with the contest, love Dolly x
Comment Written 01-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Lady Dolly'sPoems: Thank you for your gracious comments on this bit of fantasy. Your stellar affirmation is deeply appreciated.
Comment from jacquelyn popp
Great story. Your words flowed well together for this story. May I suggest a picture to add to it, to make it more enjoyable. I really enjoyed reading it. Your use of descriptive words went well and created great imagery. Your story was very rich in theme, and I found it interesting to read. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Great story. Your words flowed well together for this story. May I suggest a picture to add to it, to make it more enjoyable. I really enjoyed reading it. Your use of descriptive words went well and created great imagery. Your story was very rich in theme, and I found it interesting to read. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2023
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Lady Jacquelyn popp: Your kind words and stellar affirmation a deeply appreciated. Your attention to this bit of fantasy was my pleasure.
