Comment from jmdg1954

Excellent

Good chapter. Telling, executing and leaving the reader to wonder what's to happen. Also, it can go either way between Abby and Kenny.
EJ is a good friend.
Cheers. John

 Comment Written 01-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 01-Jan-2023

Thanks very much John. We'll see which way it goes in the next chapter.

Comment from royowen

Excellent

EJ is such a good guy, and possibly looks upon Abby as a little sister who needs some sort of guidance when she has a crush, of course we guys know that is most endearing in a young girl, it's 'the signal'. I wonder if you've got the plot worked out, or you're flying by the seat of your pants? Well done Jim, great episode, blessings Roy

 Comment Written 01-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 01-Jan-2023

Thanks, Roy. This is actually the third draft of the novel, but I am still making edits to it. I appreciate all the feedback I get for that reason.

reply by royowen on 01-Jan-2023

I like the story, I look forward to your posts Jim,

Comment from Sarah Das Gupta

Excellent

I found this chapter really good and compelling reading! I think your use of conversation was well written and entirely credible. Abby is very believable here- she is fallible! But I still hope you're going to think about EJ!!

 Comment Written 01-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 01-Jan-2023

Still holding out hope for Abby and E.J., huh? We shall see. Thanks for the good review, Sarah.

reply by Sarah Das Gupta on 01-Jan-2023

Yes, holding on there!

Comment from lancellot

Excellent

Another nice Abby chapter. I do have a few suggestions for you.

notes:

All of a sudden, the cork flew up from the bottle and hit me in the forehead, and the champagne started shooting up and drenched my blouse. I shrieked.

- Are you sure about this? It was seen coming a mile away, especially after that last chapter.

It's up to you, but I don't think there's a need to have Abby "actually" recount what we already read. You can just say: Abby recounted yesterday's two embarrassing events. Then go into: "That's a great story, but you know what?

 Comment Written 01-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 01-Jan-2023

That's a great point. The retelling is too close to the actual action. I will take your suggestion. Thanks so much.

Comment from Jay Squires

Excellent

Poor Abby! My God, I could feel for her. I made a blathering idiot of myself so many times when I tried to impress beyond my abilities. Here are a few suggestions:

Now, I've never opened a bottle of champagne before, and I" [For an interruption, use the double-dash (--), not just the closed quote.]

and shook his head back and forth as he pictured this scene.
[The "back and forth" is a bit of a redundancy since "shook his head" means "side to side". In like manner, you don't nod "up and down", since nodding implies that.]

Finally, Abby's description to E.J. of what happened both times when she embarrassed herself in front of Kenny is too close to the narrative of what actually happened. For purposes of storytelling, you need to abbreviate her telling of what happened by saying something like (but certainly better than), The reader will remember exactly what happened. It doesn't mean that E.J wouldn't respond with something like <"Oh, no! All over you?"> and of course she can then add short "pops" of details like: <"Yes, you could see right through my blouse!" and "I was so humiliated, I couldn't return to the table after I changed clothes."> See what I mean? These are little writing "hacks" that I discovered after many, many hours of over-writing on my own stories. I always try to keep in mind what the reader already knows, and not overexplain something.

I hope you don't take my suggestions as indications that your chapter failed to entertain. No, not at all! It's just that I would pause and remember how I used to do in my own writing what I see you doing in yours. And I think I know how to "tighten up" your prose.

Jay

 Comment Written 01-Jan-2023

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reply by the author on 01-Jan-2023

Thank you so much for your excellent suggestions, Jay. They were spot on, and I will rework those sections. You've identified a tendency I do have (needless verbosity), and I appreciate your pointing it out when you see it.