Heart Crafted Poems - 2023
Viewing comments for Prologue "Destiny's Child"Musing of an old man
26 total reviews
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This sure shows a dedication to following a form. I thought these lines were great: But now, you have been laid to rest at last
I find more time to clean and purge the past.
I definitely appreciate your author's notes. I had to go look up the word 'abstruse,' although luckily it sounded like what I thought it meant. Boy, so much is contained in this phrase: lives torn asunder by shame. You have an admirable post here.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2023
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This sure shows a dedication to following a form. I thought these lines were great: But now, you have been laid to rest at last
I find more time to clean and purge the past.
I definitely appreciate your author's notes. I had to go look up the word 'abstruse,' although luckily it sounded like what I thought it meant. Boy, so much is contained in this phrase: lives torn asunder by shame. You have an admirable post here.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2023
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Thank you.
Comment from Moonbeams Musings 55
Wow to be able to create and present your story in a sonnet with such great verse and flow. You held my attention to the very end. Well written.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2023
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Wow to be able to create and present your story in a sonnet with such great verse and flow. You held my attention to the very end. Well written.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2023
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I appreciate your comments, thank you.
Comment from Aussie
Amazing crown of sonnets story. A Story so common today. Always the woman ends up looking for support and yet, she asked for the problem, or not. There are payments to make when lust comes first and a child is born. Well done and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2023
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Amazing crown of sonnets story. A Story so common today. Always the woman ends up looking for support and yet, she asked for the problem, or not. There are payments to make when lust comes first and a child is born. Well done and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2023
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I appreciate your comments and good wishes, thank you.
Comment from Eternal Muse
Congratulations on writing a crown of heroic sonnets! I always believed that writing this form elevates one's poetry to a next level. You wrote a fine Epoc poem and I compliment your imagery and visuals. Your iambic meter is fine for the most parts except a few spots, some of which are mentioned below.
I suggest working on the last line of the second quatrain of the first stanza. Your iambic is off at the end of the line.
"Which made him mad and brought you to lose it".
I know you were trying to find a rhyme for "bit" in the previous lines, but the way it came out was a little awkward. What I suggest is using a different word instead of "bit", because this is the word which is hard to find the rhyme for. Remember, iambic pentameter starts with an unstressed word followed by a STRESSED. (da-DUM, da-DUM-da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM).
The 3rd line of the 3rd quatrain has an iambic pentameter off:
"Scars were not seen on the surface, but strain."
You start that line with a stressed word, and the meter is off:
Suggestion:
"The scars weren't seen on surface, but a strain."
In the second line of stanza 7 you have:
"How your unsent words have touched me, dear mom."
The da-DUM of the iambic pentameter is off.
Suggestion:
"How your unsent words touched me, dearest mom."
And lastly, I think the presentation would improve if, before and after each Roman numeral you hit a hard return twice, like so:
I.
.................... (your words)
II.
.................... (your words).
This is a fine work, and thank you so much for joining the contest. Best of luck in the booths.
If you have any questions, please PM me.
Fine wishes, EM
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2023
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Congratulations on writing a crown of heroic sonnets! I always believed that writing this form elevates one's poetry to a next level. You wrote a fine Epoc poem and I compliment your imagery and visuals. Your iambic meter is fine for the most parts except a few spots, some of which are mentioned below.
I suggest working on the last line of the second quatrain of the first stanza. Your iambic is off at the end of the line.
"Which made him mad and brought you to lose it".
I know you were trying to find a rhyme for "bit" in the previous lines, but the way it came out was a little awkward. What I suggest is using a different word instead of "bit", because this is the word which is hard to find the rhyme for. Remember, iambic pentameter starts with an unstressed word followed by a STRESSED. (da-DUM, da-DUM-da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM).
The 3rd line of the 3rd quatrain has an iambic pentameter off:
"Scars were not seen on the surface, but strain."
You start that line with a stressed word, and the meter is off:
Suggestion:
"The scars weren't seen on surface, but a strain."
In the second line of stanza 7 you have:
"How your unsent words have touched me, dear mom."
The da-DUM of the iambic pentameter is off.
Suggestion:
"How your unsent words touched me, dearest mom."
And lastly, I think the presentation would improve if, before and after each Roman numeral you hit a hard return twice, like so:
I.
.................... (your words)
II.
.................... (your words).
This is a fine work, and thank you so much for joining the contest. Best of luck in the booths.
If you have any questions, please PM me.
Fine wishes, EM
Comment Written 04-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2023
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EM, I am profoundly appreciative of your excellent guidance and suggestions. I have gratefully employed edits. My most sincere thanks! JLR
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Great edits! Just one more suggestion in the line you changed to make it 10 syllables instead of 9 - to change "on" to "upon":
"That made him mad and brought UPON this name."
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I meant "and brought UPON this bane." Sorry - the quick correct feature appeared out of nowhere (smile).
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🙏🎶🎶👍👍 Smiling back!
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Another suggestion for the third quatrain of the third stanza, to iron out the meter:
"And on the surface scars weren't seen, but strain."
Comment from Raul1
I have enjoyed reading your piece of poetry. The sentences flow with clarity. It's beautifully written. Excellent work! No grammatical errors. Thank you for sharing!
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2023
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I have enjoyed reading your piece of poetry. The sentences flow with clarity. It's beautifully written. Excellent work! No grammatical errors. Thank you for sharing!
Comment Written 04-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2023
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Thanks
Comment from GWHARGIS
This was like a historic family saga. I liked that the descriptions were so stark. I could imagine the pain she carried with her, not being able to reveal her secret to the one person inadvertently involved ... the son. Really stirring. Emotional. Gretchen
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2023
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This was like a historic family saga. I liked that the descriptions were so stark. I could imagine the pain she carried with her, not being able to reveal her secret to the one person inadvertently involved ... the son. Really stirring. Emotional. Gretchen
Comment Written 04-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2023
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Gretchen thank you.
Comment from Boogienights
This is a well written and epic story, so well told. A timeless tale that could apply to any era, about secrets, lies and emotions. I throughly enjoyed reading this....Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2023
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This is a well written and epic story, so well told. A timeless tale that could apply to any era, about secrets, lies and emotions. I throughly enjoyed reading this....Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2023
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Thank you.
Comment from Marienkiefer
A magnificent crown of heroic sonnets.
Mysterious, at some parts quite dramatic and suspenseful as the plot thickened.
The height of anxiousness, anticipation of wanting to find the box of letters, to know and not wanting to know...the truth.
Incredible portrayal of a life story. Highly emotional piece, built line by line.
-For your consideration: the typo in section IV, line 3: that night when your both were irate-perhaps this should read instead: when you both were?
Excellent! All the best.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2023
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A magnificent crown of heroic sonnets.
Mysterious, at some parts quite dramatic and suspenseful as the plot thickened.
The height of anxiousness, anticipation of wanting to find the box of letters, to know and not wanting to know...the truth.
Incredible portrayal of a life story. Highly emotional piece, built line by line.
-For your consideration: the typo in section IV, line 3: that night when your both were irate-perhaps this should read instead: when you both were?
Excellent! All the best.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2023
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Thank you good catch.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is an epic write. There are a few hiccups with the metre here and there but overall you did a good job and I am glad you explained what was happening in your notes as I first thought it was about your Mum and her struggles. I love this particular metre as it has an old fashioned rhythm that gives the sonnet authenticity. Glad to see you experimenting, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2023
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This is an epic write. There are a few hiccups with the metre here and there but overall you did a good job and I am glad you explained what was happening in your notes as I first thought it was about your Mum and her struggles. I love this particular metre as it has an old fashioned rhythm that gives the sonnet authenticity. Glad to see you experimenting, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
Comment Written 04-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2023
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Thanks
Comment from Sugarray77
Hello Jim. Your wonderful writing really shines in this Crown of Sonnets. It is even better reading it this second time. I would mention that in your notes on the second line... it needs to be 'leaving a note'. A wonderful and lovely entry for this prompt. Good luck, my friend. Wish I had a six for you!!
Melissa
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2023
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Hello Jim. Your wonderful writing really shines in this Crown of Sonnets. It is even better reading it this second time. I would mention that in your notes on the second line... it needs to be 'leaving a note'. A wonderful and lovely entry for this prompt. Good luck, my friend. Wish I had a six for you!!
Melissa
Comment Written 04-Jan-2023
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2023
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Thank you. I appreciated your first review.
