Highway to Independence
Who knows where the road leads, only time13 total reviews
Comment from Karyn2
Your writing style is perfection! At first I wondered if I'd have time to "get though al one one!" But each word just drew me in further. I didn't want to like Ariana either and her adulterous ways but the more I read the more I felt for her. I saw her as a woman longing for love and to be cherished and realising too that Miles had been trapped possibly in a relationship based on family pressures and religion. You created characters that developed in such a meaningful way I wanted to know what happened and was hoping she would get a chance at love again. A friend of mine passed away this year who was an identical twin. It was serial at the funeral seeing and hearing someone who was just like him!
A small edit I picked up towards end start of a paragraph "Adriana took his card" instead of Ariana. Can't wait to read more of your writing!
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2022
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Your writing style is perfection! At first I wondered if I'd have time to "get though al one one!" But each word just drew me in further. I didn't want to like Ariana either and her adulterous ways but the more I read the more I felt for her. I saw her as a woman longing for love and to be cherished and realising too that Miles had been trapped possibly in a relationship based on family pressures and religion. You created characters that developed in such a meaningful way I wanted to know what happened and was hoping she would get a chance at love again. A friend of mine passed away this year who was an identical twin. It was serial at the funeral seeing and hearing someone who was just like him!
A small edit I picked up towards end start of a paragraph "Adriana took his card" instead of Ariana. Can't wait to read more of your writing!
Comment Written 17-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2022
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Wow, thank you, Karyn, much appreciated. When this contest is over I will let you know of my Ebook book of short stories. How coincidental you knew of a twin's funeral in your life.
Comment from Kaiku
Really good story. Read outstandingly. Such a conflict. The rhythm of the story held true and captured the desire eed to continue. In the end, Henry was the good son.
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2022
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Really good story. Read outstandingly. Such a conflict. The rhythm of the story held true and captured the desire eed to continue. In the end, Henry was the good son.
Comment Written 15-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2022
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Thanks, much appreciated. It's a long story, so glad you stuck with it.
Comment from jmdg1954
Great short(ish) story for this contest. It was filled with scroller coaster of emotion, great picture of the landscape of Salem and an ending which was on my list of conclusions, (I had three different endings in mind).
Good luck in the contest.
Cheers, John
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2022
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Great short(ish) story for this contest. It was filled with scroller coaster of emotion, great picture of the landscape of Salem and an ending which was on my list of conclusions, (I had three different endings in mind).
Good luck in the contest.
Cheers, John
Comment Written 15-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2022
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Thanks, now you've got me curious. Will have to ponder those a bit.
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
Good luck in the contest. This is a compelling story with an interesting twist at the end, but it needs some editing for length, grammar and conciseness. I have included some examples of what I mean below:
"Now she found work as a cashier at the grocery store in town." ***I don't think you need the "Now" just say she found work in town as a grocery store clerk.
"For attractive, tall twenty-year-old Arianna Fairfield, meeting the boys while out with friends dancing, and that's what they were, "boys." was of no interest to her. She wanted to meet an established, mature man, not just some guy looking for a back seat to culminate a date in." These two sentences could be rewritten for clarity and to avoid ending the second sentence in a preposition which is awkward.
"He was thoughtful in his mannerisms and spoke with an interesting and sophisticated accent,..." ***this seems like a perfect place to show the reader what this character is like through more specific description. For example, what kind of accent? Was it English or French? Also what were his "thoughtful mannerisms"? Did he have a habit of thanking clerks who helped him, or perhaps bagging his own groceries as he checked out so the clerk didn't have to do two jobs.
"...exciting and nerving..." Did you mean unnerving?
"...their roots all the back to the Oregon Trail." all the way back?
"...aunt May,..." ***Aunt May.
"... as the first meeting, jitters, ..." No comma between meeting and jitters.
"...and talking of physical sex!" ***Is there any other kind of human sex besides physical. You could just say sex.
"In Arianna's mind, she was still a young girl." ***Do you mean she is a virgin? Why not just say that's, or better yet, you say it all in the next paragraph. You don't need the line.
"Also, Now..." Either also or now, not both.
"I've not worked for a week!" she cried, raising her voice in a quavering tone." Whoa, wait--a week? Earlier you said it was longer than that and the affair had settled into a routine? Now I am confused.
"And finally, as if God was extra angry with her, several days later, came breast pains and morning nausea. A test showed she was pregnant." ***more confusion, she already confessed to Aunt May that she was pregnant. Was she lying or did she just suspect it? That needs to be clear.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2022
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Good luck in the contest. This is a compelling story with an interesting twist at the end, but it needs some editing for length, grammar and conciseness. I have included some examples of what I mean below:
"Now she found work as a cashier at the grocery store in town." ***I don't think you need the "Now" just say she found work in town as a grocery store clerk.
"For attractive, tall twenty-year-old Arianna Fairfield, meeting the boys while out with friends dancing, and that's what they were, "boys." was of no interest to her. She wanted to meet an established, mature man, not just some guy looking for a back seat to culminate a date in." These two sentences could be rewritten for clarity and to avoid ending the second sentence in a preposition which is awkward.
"He was thoughtful in his mannerisms and spoke with an interesting and sophisticated accent,..." ***this seems like a perfect place to show the reader what this character is like through more specific description. For example, what kind of accent? Was it English or French? Also what were his "thoughtful mannerisms"? Did he have a habit of thanking clerks who helped him, or perhaps bagging his own groceries as he checked out so the clerk didn't have to do two jobs.
"...exciting and nerving..." Did you mean unnerving?
"...their roots all the back to the Oregon Trail." all the way back?
"...aunt May,..." ***Aunt May.
"... as the first meeting, jitters, ..." No comma between meeting and jitters.
"...and talking of physical sex!" ***Is there any other kind of human sex besides physical. You could just say sex.
"In Arianna's mind, she was still a young girl." ***Do you mean she is a virgin? Why not just say that's, or better yet, you say it all in the next paragraph. You don't need the line.
"Also, Now..." Either also or now, not both.
"I've not worked for a week!" she cried, raising her voice in a quavering tone." Whoa, wait--a week? Earlier you said it was longer than that and the affair had settled into a routine? Now I am confused.
"And finally, as if God was extra angry with her, several days later, came breast pains and morning nausea. A test showed she was pregnant." ***more confusion, she already confessed to Aunt May that she was pregnant. Was she lying or did she just suspect it? That needs to be clear.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2022
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I made some mistakes, then forgot to correct in the final. I'll skip the ones I fixed and address the others:
-As for going into his traits, I'm trying to keep the story within a reasonable length. I'm at 8,000 words now.
-In young girls' minds, kissing, and feeling around is not physical sex. Physical sex to them is coitus and fellatio. Don't think I will change that.
-I like a young girl. She's still fairly naive about sex. In her mind, she's embarrassed to say 'virgin.' I show that in her response.
-When she relates her pregnancy conditions, she's telling us what occurred BEFORE May came. That was a span of a WEEK. The story explains that, and there's more time after May leaves, in which she has recovered enough to see her again.
But there are a lot of small mistakes, that you show, I will fix.
Thanks for the critique.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Very well written. Good work.
So does Arianna move to New England, or Henry to Salem?
Does the diabetes make him impotent, making her pregnancy with his twin special? Your writing mad me accept the characters, and interested in the rest of the story. Well done.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2022
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Very well written. Good work.
So does Arianna move to New England, or Henry to Salem?
Does the diabetes make him impotent, making her pregnancy with his twin special? Your writing mad me accept the characters, and interested in the rest of the story. Well done.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2022
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Thanks, Wayne. Looks like Henry will move to Salem. No bias there.
For his diabetes, it doesn't matter, he's got a kid coming, and the DNA will be the same as his!!! The ending can't get any happier.
God, I love fiction.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was a lovely story, and one that many young girls have been in. I'm glad that she has changed her mind, but the one thing I would have loved to have know, what would Henry say when (and if) she told him the truth. It's not something you can hide. Other than that, it was beautifully written, the feelings and emotions that she went through, were realistic. All in all, I'm really pleased I came and read this story, and wish you the best of luck in the contest. :) Sandra xx
Ps. just one error below...
"Oh, know, (Oh, no,) I'm not a Catholic....
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2022
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That was a lovely story, and one that many young girls have been in. I'm glad that she has changed her mind, but the one thing I would have loved to have know, what would Henry say when (and if) she told him the truth. It's not something you can hide. Other than that, it was beautifully written, the feelings and emotions that she went through, were realistic. All in all, I'm really pleased I came and read this story, and wish you the best of luck in the contest. :) Sandra xx
Ps. just one error below...
"Oh, know, (Oh, no,) I'm not a Catholic....
Comment Written 06-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2022
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Thanks, Sandra, will look into that your note about informing Henry of everything. Good point.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
sadly, I'll doubt you'll get a lot of useful reviews for this piece due to it's length alone. With the average post being under 800 words these days, it takes a lot for folk to read longer work and give in-depth reviews. This one is also at the upper end for the competition. I think the other posted entry is also over 7000 words so the likelihood of them all being read in the booth is also pretty slim.
She had watched her mother grow old, broken down, and bitter after her father had died too young.- this is gramaticaly off, should probably be become broken down.
and then move on to what paths lie ahead.- lie may be better as lay here.
The opening section is very dry and a little bit plodding. Probably too much telling for the opening section.
Then we can enjoy the park sitting outside." - missing opening speech marks here.
It's usually best to separate dialogue out onto separate lines and not having it run into the narrative, especially when the narrative is about a different person. It just gives clarity.
The piece itself, in totality, is very passive and telling when you could strike more of a balance. By introducing more elements of showing, you can make the tale more immersive and direct, allowing the reader in more to experience the piece rather than just read it. A good way to do this is to avoid adverbs as they are intrinsically telling words. Also try to write around the use of was/were/had/that.
Another good tip is not name the senses if you have to name them, you're telling and not showing.
she fell completely, totally infatuated with this man, - I'd reword this, it feels slightly off.
There are some elements here which could be excised from the piece in the interest of pacing. A prudent edit could also cut down on the wordage considerably and make it a little more readable.
The story itself is a good one but it could have been tighter.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2022
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Hi there,
sadly, I'll doubt you'll get a lot of useful reviews for this piece due to it's length alone. With the average post being under 800 words these days, it takes a lot for folk to read longer work and give in-depth reviews. This one is also at the upper end for the competition. I think the other posted entry is also over 7000 words so the likelihood of them all being read in the booth is also pretty slim.
She had watched her mother grow old, broken down, and bitter after her father had died too young.- this is gramaticaly off, should probably be become broken down.
and then move on to what paths lie ahead.- lie may be better as lay here.
The opening section is very dry and a little bit plodding. Probably too much telling for the opening section.
Then we can enjoy the park sitting outside." - missing opening speech marks here.
It's usually best to separate dialogue out onto separate lines and not having it run into the narrative, especially when the narrative is about a different person. It just gives clarity.
The piece itself, in totality, is very passive and telling when you could strike more of a balance. By introducing more elements of showing, you can make the tale more immersive and direct, allowing the reader in more to experience the piece rather than just read it. A good way to do this is to avoid adverbs as they are intrinsically telling words. Also try to write around the use of was/were/had/that.
Another good tip is not name the senses if you have to name them, you're telling and not showing.
she fell completely, totally infatuated with this man, - I'd reword this, it feels slightly off.
There are some elements here which could be excised from the piece in the interest of pacing. A prudent edit could also cut down on the wordage considerably and make it a little more readable.
The story itself is a good one but it could have been tighter.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2022
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Thanks, GMG. I needed this. I mostly write detective and mysteries, This is my first try at a romance, also, the piece is long because that was asked for despite the 'shortish' name.
Something in my gut told me this was not working. I thought the story's strange twist in the middle would carry it, but getting there was just too long.
In the telling, I actually took myself into it emotionally and frankly, wrote Garbage. I used my own emotions as I pounded the keys, but forgot to convey them, as a writer should. Instead, I overused wordage, adverbs, ie.
This contest goes on into next year. I'm going back to the keyboard.
Many thanks.
Comment from Tpa
An enjoyable romantic story. Throughout the story, I felt the sadness and the emotional pain she had through your words. The turn of the event was astounding, and you gave a happy ending. The very best to you in the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2022
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An enjoyable romantic story. Throughout the story, I felt the sadness and the emotional pain she had through your words. The turn of the event was astounding, and you gave a happy ending. The very best to you in the contest.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2022
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Thank you, Tpa. So glad you liked it.
Comment from Sarah Robin
I enjoyed reading your post. The pictures you painted of your characters were vivid. And Arianna's feelings and actions were described perfectly. Your story was very well done. Thanks for sharing it with us. Good luck with the contest. Sarah
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2022
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I enjoyed reading your post. The pictures you painted of your characters were vivid. And Arianna's feelings and actions were described perfectly. Your story was very well done. Thanks for sharing it with us. Good luck with the contest. Sarah
Comment Written 05-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2022
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Thanks, Sarah. Glad you liked it.
Comment from Mary Shifman
I enjoyed this story. It's too bad Ari got mixed up with a man like Miles. Henry seems like far the better person. I know it's fiction, but I know the same or similar scenarios have happened. I'm glad they found each other and I think it will work out for them both. Here's hoping.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2022
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I enjoyed this story. It's too bad Ari got mixed up with a man like Miles. Henry seems like far the better person. I know it's fiction, but I know the same or similar scenarios have happened. I'm glad they found each other and I think it will work out for them both. Here's hoping.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2022
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Thanks, Mary. Much appreciated
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You are welcome.
