Rise from the Fall
Viewing comments for Chapter 31 "What say you"From one life to another
4 total reviews
Comment from Ricky1024
"Whay Say You" was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and Flowed well with No Grammar Issues.
...
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures Aligned most Perfectly.
Doctor Ricky1024
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2022
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"Whay Say You" was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and Flowed well with No Grammar Issues.
...
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures Aligned most Perfectly.
Doctor Ricky1024
Comment Written 30-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2022
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Thank you.
Comment from Karyn2
Congratulations on this amazing chapter! Filled with action, drama and emotion. I'd love to read more to have a better sense of time and place but I can tell you have a great writing style that can hold a reader's attention. I have no advice just a few minor edits.
"What is this Hunter?(close speech marks") he wraps his arms..
"Cutting deeper (them) than mine".
Best wishes as you continue this story.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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Congratulations on this amazing chapter! Filled with action, drama and emotion. I'd love to read more to have a better sense of time and place but I can tell you have a great writing style that can hold a reader's attention. I have no advice just a few minor edits.
"What is this Hunter?(close speech marks") he wraps his arms..
"Cutting deeper (them) than mine".
Best wishes as you continue this story.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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Thank you.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is well-written and very interesting. Iona sounds as if she would rather fight again before submitting to any other leader. She just wants peace, an honorable choice, but it seems as if war is what everyone else wants.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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This is well-written and very interesting. Iona sounds as if she would rather fight again before submitting to any other leader. She just wants peace, an honorable choice, but it seems as if war is what everyone else wants.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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Yeah, she is tired of being used by others. And you are right she just wants a peaceful life for herself and those she loves.
Comment from nor84
I do have some suggestions, some questions, and I think I found an error when you say 'rug' and probably meant 'rag.'
"Goodbye, my friends," I say, igniting Hahaku's pyre. "May you find peace?" My body shakes, and I tell myself it's just the cold, but I'm barely holding it together. I'm alone like I was back then, scared, wounded, and not knowing what to do.
"Iona," Triana says, "We should get you cleaned up." (start a new paragraph here.
Following her lead, we enter the City. Streets once home to battle and blood are now makeshift homes and barracks (Streets can't be homes, so I think you may want to revise a bit here) for our newly arrived allies. It's lively, almost happy, nothing like when we first came. Everyone greets us and bows politely, and I am not used to it. The Empire always shunned me, often seeing me as a tool. But Hunter's warriors have shown me the respect I've only received from friends.
We enter my tent, only a cot, desk, and chair decorating (decorate) its otherwise bleak interior. (The cool air is refreshing, and I take off my armor and shirt(.) ( and the cool air is refreshing. I moved that part to the beginning of the sentence) I look at myself and find scrapes and bruises coating me like dirt. These last couple of days took a lot out of me.
Wringing out a rug (do you mean a rag?), Triana works her magic. Her hands glide across my skin like birds on the water, taking away days (' not needed.) worth of stress. I feel lighter when she's done. (start new paragraph because this is about how he feels and the next one is not)
(I suggest rewording the next paragraph to: Triana rips off her wig and strips down to her skivvy (skivvies?) (Stripping down to her skivvy Triana rips the wig from her head.) Like Luna, her hair is a pale white but short like a man's. Giving me the rag, (Triana) (she should be omitted because it would refer back to the last person named, and that's Luna) offers her back, "My turn?"
This review is meant to be helpful. If it isn't, no problem.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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I do have some suggestions, some questions, and I think I found an error when you say 'rug' and probably meant 'rag.'
"Goodbye, my friends," I say, igniting Hahaku's pyre. "May you find peace?" My body shakes, and I tell myself it's just the cold, but I'm barely holding it together. I'm alone like I was back then, scared, wounded, and not knowing what to do.
"Iona," Triana says, "We should get you cleaned up." (start a new paragraph here.
Following her lead, we enter the City. Streets once home to battle and blood are now makeshift homes and barracks (Streets can't be homes, so I think you may want to revise a bit here) for our newly arrived allies. It's lively, almost happy, nothing like when we first came. Everyone greets us and bows politely, and I am not used to it. The Empire always shunned me, often seeing me as a tool. But Hunter's warriors have shown me the respect I've only received from friends.
We enter my tent, only a cot, desk, and chair decorating (decorate) its otherwise bleak interior. (The cool air is refreshing, and I take off my armor and shirt(.) ( and the cool air is refreshing. I moved that part to the beginning of the sentence) I look at myself and find scrapes and bruises coating me like dirt. These last couple of days took a lot out of me.
Wringing out a rug (do you mean a rag?), Triana works her magic. Her hands glide across my skin like birds on the water, taking away days (' not needed.) worth of stress. I feel lighter when she's done. (start new paragraph because this is about how he feels and the next one is not)
(I suggest rewording the next paragraph to: Triana rips off her wig and strips down to her skivvy (skivvies?) (Stripping down to her skivvy Triana rips the wig from her head.) Like Luna, her hair is a pale white but short like a man's. Giving me the rag, (Triana) (she should be omitted because it would refer back to the last person named, and that's Luna) offers her back, "My turn?"
This review is meant to be helpful. If it isn't, no problem.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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Thanks for your feedback nor84, it's been helpful.
