Two Women, Three Secrets
In a deserted bar6 total reviews
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
I didn't review earlier as I was too busy. But I did read and vote. Loved the description (specifics of vermouth amount was fun) and the reveal of who the women were was stellar. A fine change from your usual. Well done. Kate xx
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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I didn't review earlier as I was too busy. But I did read and vote. Loved the description (specifics of vermouth amount was fun) and the reveal of who the women were was stellar. A fine change from your usual. Well done. Kate xx
Comment Written 29-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2022
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Thank you!
(Uh, I thought this was a blind contest)
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Ah, Because the voting is over.
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Yep.
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I reviewed when I went to look at the results, and modity mine now people know who it is.
Comment from Karyn2
A clever piece with excellent character development. Dialogue was engaging and clearly defined and helped to construct each character. A few times I found myself trying to piece together the subtle suggestions and clues in the character's remarks to understand the full story line and I needed a couple of rereads in some places to ensure I didn't miss what was being spoken or unspoken. I can really see this scene come alive if it were acted where all the facial expressions and side glances would have impact.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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A clever piece with excellent character development. Dialogue was engaging and clearly defined and helped to construct each character. A few times I found myself trying to piece together the subtle suggestions and clues in the character's remarks to understand the full story line and I needed a couple of rereads in some places to ensure I didn't miss what was being spoken or unspoken. I can really see this scene come alive if it were acted where all the facial expressions and side glances would have impact.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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Thank you.
Yes, my proclivity toward brevity sometimes bites me, shortchanging readers.
Comment from amahra
Great entry for the contest. Just a couple of things below:
"Maureen," Maureen said shaking fingers with Elise. [Hm, good descriptive writing, here. I could visualize that. Women, seldom do the firm handshake, unless making a point.]
"...,bursting out loud enough to awaken the drunk[.] [get rid of 'ed'.] [sleeper."] [don't need the word sleep. If he's awaken, he'd had to have been asleep.]
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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Great entry for the contest. Just a couple of things below:
"Maureen," Maureen said shaking fingers with Elise. [Hm, good descriptive writing, here. I could visualize that. Women, seldom do the firm handshake, unless making a point.]
"...,bursting out loud enough to awaken the drunk[.] [get rid of 'ed'.] [sleeper."] [don't need the word sleep. If he's awaken, he'd had to have been asleep.]
Comment Written 28-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2022
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Thank you for the very nice review.
Comment from Mario PIERRE
I feel like the story could have been shortened quite a bit, and start like in media res, thus having the reader gripped from the start. Also, I am not quite sure that the 'secret/s' are actually these, or just things unknown before being discovered now by the 2 women.
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2022
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I feel like the story could have been shortened quite a bit, and start like in media res, thus having the reader gripped from the start. Also, I am not quite sure that the 'secret/s' are actually these, or just things unknown before being discovered now by the 2 women.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2022
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Thank you.
Comment from RodG
Oh, you put me in that bowling alley bar with those three people. I love how you introduced Maureen through her drink order and Elise through her outspokenness. Both women evolve SO REAL through their dialog. And what interesting secrets they had. A terrific story much enjoyed! Rod
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2022
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Oh, you put me in that bowling alley bar with those three people. I love how you introduced Maureen through her drink order and Elise through her outspokenness. Both women evolve SO REAL through their dialog. And what interesting secrets they had. A terrific story much enjoyed! Rod
Comment Written 27-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2022
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Thank you for the great review. You certainly made up for the four star review that thought the story too long and the secrets not secrets at all.
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We all read a story differently. If the voting began today, you?d get my vote.
Comment from Jim Wile
Very well-written story of two unpretentious women out for a momentary escape from their high-profile lives. Loved how they size each other up and strike up a bantering conversation. Jim the bartender is the perfect silent companion with his own secrets.
Very well-told as the mystery of these savvy characters unfolds.
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2022
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Very well-written story of two unpretentious women out for a momentary escape from their high-profile lives. Loved how they size each other up and strike up a bantering conversation. Jim the bartender is the perfect silent companion with his own secrets.
Very well-told as the mystery of these savvy characters unfolds.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2022
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Thank you.
