The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Abandoning the Evil Eye"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
5 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
'Menes swept her off her feet, the warmth of the sun emanating from his chuckles.' I love the second part of the sentence.
'The simmering tension in the air would boil over, Ilati knew. Neighbors looked to neighbors, trying to seek the shame of those who had acted so thoughtlessly, to punish them for their misdeed.' Again, a thorough description of human nature in these circumstances.
'... to the beast you have made for yourselves.' An interesting commentary. The spirit was not considered a beast when it dwelled in the tree; it only became a beast, a demon upon the destruction of its home which was done at the hands of the people of Sa Dul. Again, a relevant thought to society today. Rarely are 'demons' born, they're made.
Suggestions to consider:
'Perhaps now its anger (even) grows!' Delete 'even'.
'Shammu growled out.' Brevity is usually your friend, but I think here some added words would help. 'Shammu's words rumbled from his mouth as little more than a growl.' Or possibly, delete 'out'.
'Ilati limped (over) to a low stone wall and sat... ' Delete 'out'.
'Even after defeating Ezezu, the demon's blows had made short work of her endurance.' I think the first part of this sentence doesn't flow well with the rest of the sentence. Maybe, 'Though she defeated Ezezu... '
"The loyalty of such a horse is not given lightly," he said instead of rebuking her, however. I think the second part of this sentence is a bit awkward. Maybe, '... he said without the anticipated rebuke.'
'The bandages were fresh and the herbs applied beneath soothed the pain (very well).' I think you could delete the end of this sentence.
'Ilati offered him a smile (that) she hoped was comforting.' Delete 'that'.
I am so glad Youtab and Ilati are finally united. I did not see Shir Del's choice to accompany the trio though I am not surprised. Your excellent story telling makes me want to continue reading.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2023
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'Menes swept her off her feet, the warmth of the sun emanating from his chuckles.' I love the second part of the sentence.
'The simmering tension in the air would boil over, Ilati knew. Neighbors looked to neighbors, trying to seek the shame of those who had acted so thoughtlessly, to punish them for their misdeed.' Again, a thorough description of human nature in these circumstances.
'... to the beast you have made for yourselves.' An interesting commentary. The spirit was not considered a beast when it dwelled in the tree; it only became a beast, a demon upon the destruction of its home which was done at the hands of the people of Sa Dul. Again, a relevant thought to society today. Rarely are 'demons' born, they're made.
Suggestions to consider:
'Perhaps now its anger (even) grows!' Delete 'even'.
'Shammu growled out.' Brevity is usually your friend, but I think here some added words would help. 'Shammu's words rumbled from his mouth as little more than a growl.' Or possibly, delete 'out'.
'Ilati limped (over) to a low stone wall and sat... ' Delete 'out'.
'Even after defeating Ezezu, the demon's blows had made short work of her endurance.' I think the first part of this sentence doesn't flow well with the rest of the sentence. Maybe, 'Though she defeated Ezezu... '
"The loyalty of such a horse is not given lightly," he said instead of rebuking her, however. I think the second part of this sentence is a bit awkward. Maybe, '... he said without the anticipated rebuke.'
'The bandages were fresh and the herbs applied beneath soothed the pain (very well).' I think you could delete the end of this sentence.
'Ilati offered him a smile (that) she hoped was comforting.' Delete 'that'.
I am so glad Youtab and Ilati are finally united. I did not see Shir Del's choice to accompany the trio though I am not surprised. Your excellent story telling makes me want to continue reading.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2023
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I really enjoy the team of Ilati and Youtab. I'll go through and rework what you spotted. That "even" is really killing me too. I'm also glad the nature of the demon as something created by the thoughtless or malicious actions of people comes across. It's intended to be an idea that reoccurs a time or two. Not sure if it technically constitutes a theme or not, but it's an idea in the story for sure. Thank you again for reading!
Comment from Theodore McDowell
I love everything about this post, including the title. Wonderfully crafted post that kept me engaged through this portion of the story. Well done. Hope you had a great holiday.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2022
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I love everything about this post, including the title. Wonderfully crafted post that kept me engaged through this portion of the story. Well done. Hope you had a great holiday.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and leaving your the review. I?m sorry about the delay in response. It has been a hell of a week and a half. I appreciate your time and attention. I hope you have a wonderful day when you get this.
Comment from Shirley McLain
It's nice that the townspeople agreed to end the strife with the demon. Now if they follow through with everything, it will be the determining factor. You did an excellent job as always. Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving day. Shirley
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2022
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It's nice that the townspeople agreed to end the strife with the demon. Now if they follow through with everything, it will be the determining factor. You did an excellent job as always. Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving day. Shirley
Comment Written 24-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I thought it would be a more interesting possible resolution than just slaying the beast. I'm glad it came out well and I appreciate your time. I hope you have a wonderful day!
Comment from Ricky1024
The was well written rich in Theme design and Imagery.
It also, read well and Flowed well with No Grammar Issues.
...
Also, this Chapter's Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures Aligned most Perfectly.
Thanks and have a Blessed Thanksgiving.
Doctor Ricky1024
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2022
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The was well written rich in Theme design and Imagery.
It also, read well and Flowed well with No Grammar Issues.
...
Also, this Chapter's Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures Aligned most Perfectly.
Thanks and have a Blessed Thanksgiving.
Doctor Ricky1024
Comment Written 24-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I'm glad it came out well and I appreciate your time. I hope you have a wonderful day!
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
Your description of discord and tension running through the town of Sa Dul following the defeat of the demon was extremely well done. Just the little things like 'he spat' made it all so real. Much enjoyed. Kate xx
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2022
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Your description of discord and tension running through the town of Sa Dul following the defeat of the demon was extremely well done. Just the little things like 'he spat' made it all so real. Much enjoyed. Kate xx
Comment Written 24-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I'm glad it came out well and I appreciate your time. I hope you have a wonderful day!
