Benjamin
A ghost story with some good ghosts3 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Nelms-Ludwig
This is a well-thought-out story. The plot is told at a good pace. The main character is developed okay. I don't think it's a true ghost story because it seems to be a warning sent by God. Not unless you are referring to the holy ghost.
I wish the text had been a bit larger. It would make reading your entry easier. The visual fits okay. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2022
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This is a well-thought-out story. The plot is told at a good pace. The main character is developed okay. I don't think it's a true ghost story because it seems to be a warning sent by God. Not unless you are referring to the holy ghost.
I wish the text had been a bit larger. It would make reading your entry easier. The visual fits okay. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2022
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Hi Sandra Nelms-Ludwig! Thank you for your comments and feedback. I appreciate that you took the time to read my story and give feedback. Have a blessed week!
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You are welcome.
Comment from Jay Squires
This is an interesting story, Mr./Ms./Mrs. Incognito. Very Biblical in feeling. I don't mean thematically or the fact that God played into the ending of the story, but more the tone of it read like a parable -- at least the first part of it. It was a good fit with the theme, though. Good luck in the contest.
Jay
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2022
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This is an interesting story, Mr./Ms./Mrs. Incognito. Very Biblical in feeling. I don't mean thematically or the fact that God played into the ending of the story, but more the tone of it read like a parable -- at least the first part of it. It was a good fit with the theme, though. Good luck in the contest.
Jay
Comment Written 12-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2022
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Hi Jay Squires! Thanks for your excellent rating and your feedback. I did borrow from the Holy Bible to write my story, but I put a modern twist on it. I appreciate that you took the time to read my story and make comments. Have a blessed weekend!
Comment from lancellot
Honestly, this has issues. It is all telling, preachy, two dimensional characters, and from very beginning a paint by numbers bias of what a bad person is. You've basically checked all the boxes on what an accepted bad person is. Male-check, Rich-check, born with a silver spoon - check, sexist-check, arrogant-check, disliked by God- check, mean for no reason - check, talks in cliches - check.
Depth, realism, multilayered are what people truly are, and makes for good characters.
Also, this is a ghost contest. You did not establish having any ghost.
Jasper made quotes with his fingers, ["]'academics' around."
- add
"What do you want?" {He yelled} at the hand.
-he yelled
-why would he yell at a hand. How would it respond and with what?
Now, you have some good things too. Your writing and editing are sound and that's things you can build on. You just need to seek realism, even in fiction. Have your characters behave and speak normally'
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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Honestly, this has issues. It is all telling, preachy, two dimensional characters, and from very beginning a paint by numbers bias of what a bad person is. You've basically checked all the boxes on what an accepted bad person is. Male-check, Rich-check, born with a silver spoon - check, sexist-check, arrogant-check, disliked by God- check, mean for no reason - check, talks in cliches - check.
Depth, realism, multilayered are what people truly are, and makes for good characters.
Also, this is a ghost contest. You did not establish having any ghost.
Jasper made quotes with his fingers, ["]'academics' around."
- add
"What do you want?" {He yelled} at the hand.
-he yelled
-why would he yell at a hand. How would it respond and with what?
Now, you have some good things too. Your writing and editing are sound and that's things you can build on. You just need to seek realism, even in fiction. Have your characters behave and speak normally'
Comment Written 11-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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Hi lancellot. Thanks for your feedback. Have a blessed weekend.
