Lost Ghost Town
Taking a wrong turn in the desert20 total reviews
Comment from Mario PIERRE
I enjoyed the story, although I believe it could have been shortened and bring the same resolution. The last paragraphs are quite entertaining and the final twist is great.
Nice job here!!
Mar
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2022
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I enjoyed the story, although I believe it could have been shortened and bring the same resolution. The last paragraphs are quite entertaining and the final twist is great.
Nice job here!!
Mar
Comment Written 13-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2022
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I am working on this, thank you so much,
Comment from GWHARGIS
Well, I believe Wilma believes it happened. Ghost stories are interesting because there is always the possibility that these encounters were real. There were a couple of spags but they didn't deter the story. I would suggest maybe a bigger break in between the Aunts part and Wilmas part. Good story. Gretchen
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2022
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Well, I believe Wilma believes it happened. Ghost stories are interesting because there is always the possibility that these encounters were real. There were a couple of spags but they didn't deter the story. I would suggest maybe a bigger break in between the Aunts part and Wilmas part. Good story. Gretchen
Comment Written 13-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2022
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yes indeed, I caught those and will be doing a rewrite, its in my next book, and this is why I use fan story. thank you
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Very good story. Nicely told. Good work.
There have been stranger things reported.
Were the pork and beans and jerky true?
Best wishes and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2022
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Very good story. Nicely told. Good work.
There have been stranger things reported.
Were the pork and beans and jerky true?
Best wishes and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2022
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thank you so much for your review, and this was my first draft, I am working on it, its in my next book and at the editor. thank you for the much looks like I won year,
Comment from royowen
I liked the way you handled this story, there could have been many avenues that it could have taken, in fact could have been a full blown novel, but I think this was the safe way to go for the moment, it could be tackled later. Most imaginative, and excellent story, beautifully done, blessings Roy
Typo : a million (knats) swarmed. Gnats? 2: then (s) she drew nearer.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2022
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I liked the way you handled this story, there could have been many avenues that it could have taken, in fact could have been a full blown novel, but I think this was the safe way to go for the moment, it could be tackled later. Most imaginative, and excellent story, beautifully done, blessings Roy
Typo : a million (knats) swarmed. Gnats? 2: then (s) she drew nearer.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2022
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fixed the gnats, thank you, ill get back to the she...thank you so much for your review, and yes I am working on a book with this, just published my third, fourth out at the end of dec, my author name is g. grace. thank you so much for reviewing
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My pleasure, well done
Comment from Sandra Nelms-Ludwig
This is a good story. The text is an okay size. The plot could be shortened in the area where she is walking across the desert. Replace her in this line with she ~ walking her might find. Knats is spelled gnats. Replace as with an "a"~was as street. Cobblestone should be written as one word. Replace the say with "saw" ~So she made her way to the spring she say.
Overall, this was a good story, but there are several areas you focus on things that do not move the plot ahead. With some editing to the plot this could be a better story. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2022
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This is a good story. The text is an okay size. The plot could be shortened in the area where she is walking across the desert. Replace her in this line with she ~ walking her might find. Knats is spelled gnats. Replace as with an "a"~was as street. Cobblestone should be written as one word. Replace the say with "saw" ~So she made her way to the spring she say.
Overall, this was a good story, but there are several areas you focus on things that do not move the plot ahead. With some editing to the plot this could be a better story. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2022
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thank you so much for your help I will edit
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You are welcome. However, with the mistakes it still was the best entry for me, and I voted for it.
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wow thank you
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You are welcome. I saw the potential in this story and wanted to give you a fighting chance.
Comment from Mary Shifman
You tell a good story and I enjoyed it. I can well imagine what Wilma went through. My friends and I once broke down while driving through the Nevada desert one summer day and it was hot! We didn't find a lost ghost town but someone did come along to help. I noticed some typos that I thought I would point out. I hope you find them helpful.
1. Wilma stretched her aching muscles as (s)he looked frantically around her.
2. She knew she would have (to lie) down and get some sleep soon
3. This was as tree; (a street?) she could feet (feel) cobble stones under the sand
4. she (saw?) say, to the side of her, an old outhouse,
5. Her body is dehydrated. She needs more water. She heads for the spring again, and this time drank until her thirst was satisfied. Now she had to try to find something to eat. (You switch tenses here)
6. Wilma('s) went through a half swinging door into the huge kitchen. .
7. Hard (t) rack, Beef Jerky,
8. "Sit down Wilma, breakfast is almost read(y)," The girl said.
9. found out Wilma('s) left when she said she was leaving
10. " (R)road Closed."
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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You tell a good story and I enjoyed it. I can well imagine what Wilma went through. My friends and I once broke down while driving through the Nevada desert one summer day and it was hot! We didn't find a lost ghost town but someone did come along to help. I noticed some typos that I thought I would point out. I hope you find them helpful.
1. Wilma stretched her aching muscles as (s)he looked frantically around her.
2. She knew she would have (to lie) down and get some sleep soon
3. This was as tree; (a street?) she could feet (feel) cobble stones under the sand
4. she (saw?) say, to the side of her, an old outhouse,
5. Her body is dehydrated. She needs more water. She heads for the spring again, and this time drank until her thirst was satisfied. Now she had to try to find something to eat. (You switch tenses here)
6. Wilma('s) went through a half swinging door into the huge kitchen. .
7. Hard (t) rack, Beef Jerky,
8. "Sit down Wilma, breakfast is almost read(y)," The girl said.
9. found out Wilma('s) left when she said she was leaving
10. " (R)road Closed."
Comment Written 06-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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found these errors and did fix, thank you so much for catching them
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You are most welcome. I appreciate it when people do so for me so I try to pay it forward.
Comment from prettybluebirds
As (she) looked frantically around her, not (he). (gave) her car a backward look, not (giver). She knew she would have to (lie) down, not (toile) She could (feel) cobblestones, not (feet). You have a few other misspelled words throughout the story. It is clever and creative writing. If you edit it carefully, it should do well in the contest.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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As (she) looked frantically around her, not (he). (gave) her car a backward look, not (giver). She knew she would have to (lie) down, not (toile) She could (feel) cobblestones, not (feet). You have a few other misspelled words throughout the story. It is clever and creative writing. If you edit it carefully, it should do well in the contest.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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thank you for catching that
Comment from Mariana Convery
You do a great job here building the backstory and characterization. I love how you described her, using action within the description. You also do a fantastic job of building tension and suspense. The rising actions keep the reader engaged.
There are some areas in style and formatting that need work, as well as some typos that need fixing:
In one instance, you refer to Wilma as "he." Also, "So, she got out, giver her car a backward look." "Sit down Wilma, breakfast is almost read," The girl said."
There are quite a few places where these types of typos appear. I suggest you go back and proofread with a fresh eye.
Trying to write where a character talks to herself is difficult to pull off. I get it, we often do talk to ourselves as human beings, but in fiction, it feels contrived. I'd suggest making some of the self-talk dialogue her thoughts.
The dialogue needs to sound a bit more natural. Use contractions, slang would also help.
In some instances you give too much exposition that the reader already gets. The less said by the narrator, I think, the more the reader can decipher things themselves and it also provides a smoother read. For example, "However, her aunt had had no word or call from her since she had called and said she was leaving." That's obviously evident to the reader, so no need to put that in there. Another example: "Now her legs and body were hurting in every muscle from the exercise she was not use to." The syntax is off. By eliminating "from the exercise she was not use to" might make it read better. It really doesn't add to the story anyway. There are many other places where the syntax could be edited with words deleted.
Other than that, I think you've done a fantastic job with this story. And thank you for letting me read it. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
For the most part, you do a good job writing actively. However, there are times when active verbs could replace passive ones to keep the flow of the story active and the descriptions stronger so that the reader continues to feel what the character is feeling. For instance, instead of
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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You do a great job here building the backstory and characterization. I love how you described her, using action within the description. You also do a fantastic job of building tension and suspense. The rising actions keep the reader engaged.
There are some areas in style and formatting that need work, as well as some typos that need fixing:
In one instance, you refer to Wilma as "he." Also, "So, she got out, giver her car a backward look." "Sit down Wilma, breakfast is almost read," The girl said."
There are quite a few places where these types of typos appear. I suggest you go back and proofread with a fresh eye.
Trying to write where a character talks to herself is difficult to pull off. I get it, we often do talk to ourselves as human beings, but in fiction, it feels contrived. I'd suggest making some of the self-talk dialogue her thoughts.
The dialogue needs to sound a bit more natural. Use contractions, slang would also help.
In some instances you give too much exposition that the reader already gets. The less said by the narrator, I think, the more the reader can decipher things themselves and it also provides a smoother read. For example, "However, her aunt had had no word or call from her since she had called and said she was leaving." That's obviously evident to the reader, so no need to put that in there. Another example: "Now her legs and body were hurting in every muscle from the exercise she was not use to." The syntax is off. By eliminating "from the exercise she was not use to" might make it read better. It really doesn't add to the story anyway. There are many other places where the syntax could be edited with words deleted.
Other than that, I think you've done a fantastic job with this story. And thank you for letting me read it. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
For the most part, you do a good job writing actively. However, there are times when active verbs could replace passive ones to keep the flow of the story active and the descriptions stronger so that the reader continues to feel what the character is feeling. For instance, instead of
Comment Written 05-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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wow this was a great help, I am getting ready to publish this one so need to get that fixed thank you again
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Sorry about that last part, not sure what I did there. Seriously, this is a fabulous story. But you know the old saying, writing is rewriting. I'm glad my feedback helped. I'm an English teacher, and I guess I never stop being teacherly. All the best.
Comment from Douglas Goff
Very cool and interesting story.
Some issues in the first paragraph with two different font sizes.
Also some paragraphs are huge and should be cut in half.
Also:
No time now," Lillian answered, "We will have plenty of time later."
Should be :
No time now," Lillian answered. "We will have plenty of time later."
This is a really good story. With a little clean up it will be a really GREAT story!
Thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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Very cool and interesting story.
Some issues in the first paragraph with two different font sizes.
Also some paragraphs are huge and should be cut in half.
Also:
No time now," Lillian answered, "We will have plenty of time later."
Should be :
No time now," Lillian answered. "We will have plenty of time later."
This is a really good story. With a little clean up it will be a really GREAT story!
Thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 05-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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repaired my terrible errors, or at least I hope I did, again thank you for your help
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Nothing terrible in your story. Grammar issues are easy fixes. Crappy writers aren?t. You are a great writer so minor grammar problems are normal and common! I make several in each piece. Second eyes always help. Keep up the great work!
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I will fix all those issues, always cut and paste and forget to fix the paragraphs, thank you so much
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Grammar is minor. You are an excellent writer!
Comment from JoannaN
This story reminds me of Stephen King's book. I appreciate this climat :) Your protagonist is walking towards the deserted town. We want to scream at her, tell her to stop, but, oops, she still does it, she still does not whirl around and run for her life. This is a well-written story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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This story reminds me of Stephen King's book. I appreciate this climat :) Your protagonist is walking towards the deserted town. We want to scream at her, tell her to stop, but, oops, she still does it, she still does not whirl around and run for her life. This is a well-written story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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you are the best, thank yo again for all your help your comments inspire me
