Lost Ghost Town
Taking a wrong turn in the desert20 total reviews
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
Congrats on being a ghost story contest winner and on having your story recognized. It was a good story with just the right twist at the end. However, it wasn't easy to read because there were quite a few typos and the writing needed to be a lot tighter, so the flow wasn't working and there were lots of distractions. I have put some examples of what I am talking about below. This would be a five star story if you'd harsh edit and fix some of this. I enjoyed reading it, the bones in terms of plot are there, just needs a little fixing up.
"Wilma stretched her aching muscles as she looked frantically around her. She saw no sign of life or even any cars." ***Cars would be signs of life, wouldn't they?
"Wilma suddenly jerked, now she was awake!" ***Why not say Wilma jerked awake.
"She was glad to open her window to the fresh night air." She was glad to open her window again, right? Did she leave the sweater up when she closed it?
"It was time to leave the car." You already said this a couple of times.
"So, she got out, giver her car a backward look..." *** Gave her car a backward look, or maybe gave her car a forlorn look, thinking it might be the last time she'd see it.
"Still nothing in sight. She had lost sight of her car long ago." ***This is unnecessary and repetitious.
"She removed her sandals she was wearing." ***You don't need to say she was wearing her sandals, that is assumed if you say she removed them.
"...she rubbed and rubbed her feet and then decided to walk barefoot and carry her shoes." You only need to say she rubbed her feet for a while before deciding to go forward barefoot and carrying her shoes.
"A few green, tiny plants grew at the side where the water spilled over."***Did they just sprout up or were they there?
"..she made her way to the spring she say,..." typos, do you mean she saw?
".. hard rack,.." Did you mean hard tack?
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2022
   |
Congrats on being a ghost story contest winner and on having your story recognized. It was a good story with just the right twist at the end. However, it wasn't easy to read because there were quite a few typos and the writing needed to be a lot tighter, so the flow wasn't working and there were lots of distractions. I have put some examples of what I am talking about below. This would be a five star story if you'd harsh edit and fix some of this. I enjoyed reading it, the bones in terms of plot are there, just needs a little fixing up.
"Wilma stretched her aching muscles as she looked frantically around her. She saw no sign of life or even any cars." ***Cars would be signs of life, wouldn't they?
"Wilma suddenly jerked, now she was awake!" ***Why not say Wilma jerked awake.
"She was glad to open her window to the fresh night air." She was glad to open her window again, right? Did she leave the sweater up when she closed it?
"It was time to leave the car." You already said this a couple of times.
"So, she got out, giver her car a backward look..." *** Gave her car a backward look, or maybe gave her car a forlorn look, thinking it might be the last time she'd see it.
"Still nothing in sight. She had lost sight of her car long ago." ***This is unnecessary and repetitious.
"She removed her sandals she was wearing." ***You don't need to say she was wearing her sandals, that is assumed if you say she removed them.
"...she rubbed and rubbed her feet and then decided to walk barefoot and carry her shoes." You only need to say she rubbed her feet for a while before deciding to go forward barefoot and carrying her shoes.
"A few green, tiny plants grew at the side where the water spilled over."***Did they just sprout up or were they there?
"..she made her way to the spring she say,..." typos, do you mean she saw?
".. hard rack,.." Did you mean hard tack?
Comment Written 17-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2022
-
so glad you gave me the type and flow issues, this is in editing at my publisher now, and I have been making changes all the time, thank you I always welcome help.
Comment from Zue65
I salute the writer for she is a gifted storyteller. I like the flow of the story, how the scenes are built up to reach a certain tension and suspense is thus created in the minds of the readers. I do believe in ghost and some unexplained occurrences. Excellently written, thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2022
|
I salute the writer for she is a gifted storyteller. I like the flow of the story, how the scenes are built up to reach a certain tension and suspense is thus created in the minds of the readers. I do believe in ghost and some unexplained occurrences. Excellently written, thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2022
-
Thank you so much, I had fun writing this, its at editing with my publisher, and hopefully will be out by the end of the year
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Congratulations on your win. I've heard of things like this happening, so to answer your question, yes, I think it could have happened. I did enjoy your story, it was very well written. I had my first time-traveling book when I was 70, and I've had four more published since then, plus four teenage time-travel books published. So go for it! I wish you the best of luck. Warm hugs, Sandra xx
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
|
Congratulations on your win. I've heard of things like this happening, so to answer your question, yes, I think it could have happened. I did enjoy your story, it was very well written. I had my first time-traveling book when I was 70, and I've had four more published since then, plus four teenage time-travel books published. So go for it! I wish you the best of luck. Warm hugs, Sandra xx
Comment Written 16-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
-
what!! that's awesome, thank you for sharing that, it gives me hope
-
70 is a perfectly good age to get published!! I'm 75 and still going! xx
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is an excellent story. I can see why it's a contest winner. Just keep an eye on your spag.
It was so strong that she had to brace her feet to keep from being carried away by it. (you can omit 'that', it's not needed)
She began speaking to herself, "when this stops I need to get out and (capital 'w' on 'when')
"You better go on." She said as she pushed the button. (comma after 'on' and lower case 's' on 'she)
"I have got to get out of here. It doesn't look like anyone comes this way. I will check and see if there's any gas anywhere and try to get back to the car. I have to do something. I am losing my mind talking to myself." I think, especially talking to herself, she'd use contractions. - I've, I'll, I've, I'm and in other dialogue)
"Sit down Wilma, breakfast is almost ready," The girl said. (lower case 't' on 'the')
When she could get her breath, she said, "who are you? Where did you come from?" (capital 'w' on 'Who')
descended the stairs into the crowded room below.
Her Aunt Emily was worried to death about her niece. (here you changed scenes you need to notify your reader, I use *****, but you can use anything)
The doctors said, "she is not dehydrated enough to have been out in the desert that long." (capital 's' on 'she')
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
|
This is an excellent story. I can see why it's a contest winner. Just keep an eye on your spag.
It was so strong that she had to brace her feet to keep from being carried away by it. (you can omit 'that', it's not needed)
She began speaking to herself, "when this stops I need to get out and (capital 'w' on 'when')
"You better go on." She said as she pushed the button. (comma after 'on' and lower case 's' on 'she)
"I have got to get out of here. It doesn't look like anyone comes this way. I will check and see if there's any gas anywhere and try to get back to the car. I have to do something. I am losing my mind talking to myself." I think, especially talking to herself, she'd use contractions. - I've, I'll, I've, I'm and in other dialogue)
"Sit down Wilma, breakfast is almost ready," The girl said. (lower case 't' on 'the')
When she could get her breath, she said, "who are you? Where did you come from?" (capital 'w' on 'Who')
descended the stairs into the crowded room below.
Her Aunt Emily was worried to death about her niece. (here you changed scenes you need to notify your reader, I use *****, but you can use anything)
The doctors said, "she is not dehydrated enough to have been out in the desert that long." (capital 's' on 'she')
Comment Written 16-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
-
thank you for your help, this story is in editing now for my new book, I will however copy this and fix the errors, thank you for your review
Comment from Sarah Robin
Congratulations on your first place finish in the contest. I enjoyed reading this story. Your descriptions were excellent. I followed Wilma's trek through the desert, taking every step with her. Well written! Sarah
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
|
Congratulations on your first place finish in the contest. I enjoyed reading this story. Your descriptions were excellent. I followed Wilma's trek through the desert, taking every step with her. Well written! Sarah
Comment Written 16-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
-
thank you so much and I loved this story,
Comment from Sanku
This is brilliant imagination .Delirium or not she had the vision f a few people living in that ghost town .congratulations on your well deserved win.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
|
This is brilliant imagination .Delirium or not she had the vision f a few people living in that ghost town .congratulations on your well deserved win.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2022
-
thank you so very much
Comment from amahra
First, congratulations on your well-deserved win. You did a great job scaring me as the woman walked through the darkness and into a strange unoccupied building. Great job and a well-deserved win.
"A young, happy voice said, "Come in; I have been waiting for you." [LOL! Yeah, right. I would have left at that point.]
I don't think she imagined it. I think it really happened. In your story, that is.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
|
First, congratulations on your well-deserved win. You did a great job scaring me as the woman walked through the darkness and into a strange unoccupied building. Great job and a well-deserved win.
"A young, happy voice said, "Come in; I have been waiting for you." [LOL! Yeah, right. I would have left at that point.]
I don't think she imagined it. I think it really happened. In your story, that is.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2022
-
lol thank you so much for the review, all are important, this story in in editing now and will be published in a month
Comment from LJbutterfly
Congratulations on your well deserved win of the ghost story contest. It is imaginative, with descriptions that enabled the reader to envision each scene. I'm glad the story had a happy ending. I think Wilma was asleep while the ghosts and spirits of the old hotel welcomed her presence and protected her so she wouldn't become dehydrated or die of starvation.
Notes:
If she started walking her might find a house or some sign of life
(If she started walking 'she' might find....)
So, she got out, giver her car a backward look ('giving' her car a backward look)
Then s she drew nearer she could see buildings in the background. (remove the extra 's.' You could say 'When' she drew nearer...)
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2022
|
Congratulations on your well deserved win of the ghost story contest. It is imaginative, with descriptions that enabled the reader to envision each scene. I'm glad the story had a happy ending. I think Wilma was asleep while the ghosts and spirits of the old hotel welcomed her presence and protected her so she wouldn't become dehydrated or die of starvation.
Notes:
If she started walking her might find a house or some sign of life
(If she started walking 'she' might find....)
So, she got out, giver her car a backward look ('giving' her car a backward look)
Then s she drew nearer she could see buildings in the background. (remove the extra 's.' You could say 'When' she drew nearer...)
Comment Written 14-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2022
-
since this is in edit, I made changes and sent to publisher, thank you so much
Comment from Wendy G
An excellent story for the prompt, Vivid and very descriptive, it was an enjoyable read. My only suggestion is a bit larger font for those with poor eyes. Thank you for sharing, and good wishes for your book.
Wendy
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2022
|
An excellent story for the prompt, Vivid and very descriptive, it was an enjoyable read. My only suggestion is a bit larger font for those with poor eyes. Thank you for sharing, and good wishes for your book.
Wendy
Comment Written 14-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2022
-
you are the best thank you
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
You have an interesting story here. Wilma is an intriguing character to drive across country by herself. However, that no limit to words is your problem. First, there is to be only one space after sentence ends. Varying sentence length is good, but you have used twice as many words as you need. I am going to make some suggestions you might consider. First, the desert is hot! in the daytime but equally cold! at night. Snakes can't appear until the sun reaches them. Combine paragraphs 2 and 3. Para. 4 cut line about mother's death. They had become . . . . . .since her mother had died two months ago. Aunt Clara, who was widowed, wanted her to visit. Don't need to say she put flashlight in glovebox, it's her car. There are many places you can cut words or combine thoughts. She probably couldn't talk aloud as she would already be dehydrating. You don't need to explain so much about the town, mainly the spring and the girl in the room. You need to limit her time lost to five days max as she would be close to death when found. Best of luck with this.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2022
|
You have an interesting story here. Wilma is an intriguing character to drive across country by herself. However, that no limit to words is your problem. First, there is to be only one space after sentence ends. Varying sentence length is good, but you have used twice as many words as you need. I am going to make some suggestions you might consider. First, the desert is hot! in the daytime but equally cold! at night. Snakes can't appear until the sun reaches them. Combine paragraphs 2 and 3. Para. 4 cut line about mother's death. They had become . . . . . .since her mother had died two months ago. Aunt Clara, who was widowed, wanted her to visit. Don't need to say she put flashlight in glovebox, it's her car. There are many places you can cut words or combine thoughts. She probably couldn't talk aloud as she would already be dehydrating. You don't need to explain so much about the town, mainly the spring and the girl in the room. You need to limit her time lost to five days max as she would be close to death when found. Best of luck with this.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2022
-
this is in editing with my publisher, and I agree, thank you for your feedback
