Death By Murder
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Death By Murder"A jewel heist, rival gangs and a cold case.
24 total reviews
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
I think you've got a good start to a story here and the writing is well done. You do need to tighten it up a little, some examples are below, but I can't wait to read more. The bones are strong and all you need is a bit of work to make the flesh more inviting.
"Boston Globe
Reputed Irish Crime Boss Killed
Chaos Disrupts Family Funeral
Jewel Heist Remains Unsolved" ***The headlines do tell the story, but I think it would be better to start the story with the action. Show the reader the Irish crime boss being killed on his doorstep, then in the following paragraphs, tell the reader about the unsolved jewel heist and the chaos that followed the death of the crime boss at the family funeral.
"He wanted to wrap his arms around her and reassure her things were going to be different, but deep inside him, he knew it wasn't possible." ***Seems like you said this earlier in the narrative. I got it. She dreams of peace, her son doesn't think it's possible. No need to say it more than once.
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2022
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I think you've got a good start to a story here and the writing is well done. You do need to tighten it up a little, some examples are below, but I can't wait to read more. The bones are strong and all you need is a bit of work to make the flesh more inviting.
"Boston Globe
Reputed Irish Crime Boss Killed
Chaos Disrupts Family Funeral
Jewel Heist Remains Unsolved" ***The headlines do tell the story, but I think it would be better to start the story with the action. Show the reader the Irish crime boss being killed on his doorstep, then in the following paragraphs, tell the reader about the unsolved jewel heist and the chaos that followed the death of the crime boss at the family funeral.
"He wanted to wrap his arms around her and reassure her things were going to be different, but deep inside him, he knew it wasn't possible." ***Seems like you said this earlier in the narrative. I got it. She dreams of peace, her son doesn't think it's possible. No need to say it more than once.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2022
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Thank you so much for reading and enjoying. My apologies for being so far behind. Life seems to get in the way at times. I do appreciate your thoughts and kindness.
Hugs, Carol
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
This is a beautiful, moving, spectacular first chapter, Carol!
I'm so happy to "see" you again, and I still pray for you and your family. I read your note at the bottom of the post, and I am very saddened, concerned, even shocked that you have endured so much -- even more than you already had, in life.
I, too, have been struggling a lot with health issues, family problems and other difficulties for many months, now -- too much to go into, really. Your troubles look tougher than mine, but I haven't written much, either. I'm happy that you're starting a new book!
As usual, I have a few suggestions for grammatical revisions, very minor:
She envisioned her father and his formidable "army" of Irish men seated around the mahogany round table...
=>
She envisioned her father and his formidable "army" of Irish men seated around the mahogany round table, ...
Thoughts of better days when they held spontaneous "tea parties" in his grandfather's study and his mother reprimanded him for his rowdiness because he might break his grandmother's fine china ...
=>
Thoughts of better days, when they held spontaneous "tea parties" in his grandfather's study and his mother reprimanded him for his rowdiness because he might break his grandmother's fine china, ...
... and succumbed to her maker after being hospitalized after the robbery.
=>
... and succumbed to her Maker after being hospitalized after the robbery.
***
This is very intriguing. Is it like the Irish Mafia? Apparently, vs. the Italian one! You really established the closeness here, of this mother and son. It's moving and engaging. Great work!
I do wish I had a six left for you, but I hope to have some for you, in the future, my friend.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2022
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This is a beautiful, moving, spectacular first chapter, Carol!
I'm so happy to "see" you again, and I still pray for you and your family. I read your note at the bottom of the post, and I am very saddened, concerned, even shocked that you have endured so much -- even more than you already had, in life.
I, too, have been struggling a lot with health issues, family problems and other difficulties for many months, now -- too much to go into, really. Your troubles look tougher than mine, but I haven't written much, either. I'm happy that you're starting a new book!
As usual, I have a few suggestions for grammatical revisions, very minor:
She envisioned her father and his formidable "army" of Irish men seated around the mahogany round table...
=>
She envisioned her father and his formidable "army" of Irish men seated around the mahogany round table, ...
Thoughts of better days when they held spontaneous "tea parties" in his grandfather's study and his mother reprimanded him for his rowdiness because he might break his grandmother's fine china ...
=>
Thoughts of better days, when they held spontaneous "tea parties" in his grandfather's study and his mother reprimanded him for his rowdiness because he might break his grandmother's fine china, ...
... and succumbed to her maker after being hospitalized after the robbery.
=>
... and succumbed to her Maker after being hospitalized after the robbery.
***
This is very intriguing. Is it like the Irish Mafia? Apparently, vs. the Italian one! You really established the closeness here, of this mother and son. It's moving and engaging. Great work!
I do wish I had a six left for you, but I hope to have some for you, in the future, my friend.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2022
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Hello, Mary Kay
So nice to see your smiling face again. I always appreciate your suggestions. You put a lot of your time into reviews.
Sorry to hear life has not been a "nice fairy: for you, and I shall pray better times come your way.
Thank you again. Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from Mrs. KT
So wonderful to see your smiling face again, Carol!
And I enjoyed your first chapter!
You certainly have not missed a beat as far as your writing is concerned!
I am horrified, however, to read of all the challenges you have experienced.
Sending all of my positivity and strength your way!
Thank you for sharing!
diane
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2022
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So wonderful to see your smiling face again, Carol!
And I enjoyed your first chapter!
You certainly have not missed a beat as far as your writing is concerned!
I am horrified, however, to read of all the challenges you have experienced.
Sending all of my positivity and strength your way!
Thank you for sharing!
diane
Comment Written 27-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2022
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Diane,
Yes, I am smiling again. It was a difficult time and it still haunts me, but I knew I had to find "me" in the depths of the mess or I would never return to what I loved - writing. It took the death of my cousin, we were more like sisters, to realize it's now or may never.
Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from BethShelby
Carol, it is so good to see you back and writing again. I knew you would return because you always find the courage to began again. I can't imagine what your personal life has endured since you were last here. Hopefully you'll let us share some of your heartaches. I hope there hasn't been more deaths since you were last here. I also hope things with work out with the grandchildren. This is a great beginning. I look forward to more of this story. We've all missed you. I've been out of town since Sunday and am just getting back. I'm way behind in reviews and writing.
Beth
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2022
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Carol, it is so good to see you back and writing again. I knew you would return because you always find the courage to began again. I can't imagine what your personal life has endured since you were last here. Hopefully you'll let us share some of your heartaches. I hope there hasn't been more deaths since you were last here. I also hope things with work out with the grandchildren. This is a great beginning. I look forward to more of this story. We've all missed you. I've been out of town since Sunday and am just getting back. I'm way behind in reviews and writing.
Beth
Comment Written 27-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2022
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Thank you so much for your kind thoughts, wonderful review and for caring. The stars are greatly appreciated but not as much as my friends. I am thrilled to be writing again. I lost five family members since March and the girls were finally returned to Carissa, but their world is still spinning. My mom has been gone 5 yrs today and it saddens me beyond words.....BUT I came out of the darkness, and I am writing. What a blessing!!!
Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from Teri7
This is a very well written first chapter. I look forward to reading more of your work. You used great descriptive words and great dialogue as before. You are a great writer. Thank you for sharing. love and blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2022
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This is a very well written first chapter. I look forward to reading more of your work. You used great descriptive words and great dialogue as before. You are a great writer. Thank you for sharing. love and blessings, Teri
Comment Written 26-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2022
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Thanks for the encouragement and your kindness. I am blessed!
Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from LJbutterfly
Great, Carol! I'm in the mood for a good whodunit, and you're just the writer to satisfy my need. I'm sooo glad you are back and using writing to fight through your struggles. Your story is off to an interesting beginning with many possibilities. You're in a fight (as we all are), and I wish you the best in your journey.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
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Great, Carol! I'm in the mood for a good whodunit, and you're just the writer to satisfy my need. I'm sooo glad you are back and using writing to fight through your struggles. Your story is off to an interesting beginning with many possibilities. You're in a fight (as we all are), and I wish you the best in your journey.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
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Oh, Lorraine, I am so happy to hear from you. You boost my spirits like a hot air balloon...up, up and away. Writing again and good friends will steady my path. Thank you so much.
Smiles and hugs, CC
Comment from Shirley McLain
This is a powerful story. It is full of tension from all the unknown circumstances circling around. You did a great job, and I'm read to read more. Have a great evening. Shirley
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
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This is a powerful story. It is full of tension from all the unknown circumstances circling around. You did a great job, and I'm read to read more. Have a great evening. Shirley
Comment Written 25-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
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Hello Shirley... I am thrilled to be back and to know you enjoyed my first post. I look forward to your thoughts as the story progresses.
Smiles and hugs, CC
Comment from CrystieCookie999
The premise of this chapter leads the reader to consider the following: Frank O'Hara's (known as Grandpa to Cooper O'Hara) emigrating to America changed him. Power and some kind of crime organization with a hint at a gangland war between the Costello family and his destroyed "everything" that I assume will be explained in more detail later." It sounds like Cooper knows more than this chapter reveals. It appears Peter Costello is nothing like the well-known comedian Lou. It appears the death of Frank's wife and now his own passing are sparking a discussion between Elizabeth and Cooper, her son. So far, so good!
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
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The premise of this chapter leads the reader to consider the following: Frank O'Hara's (known as Grandpa to Cooper O'Hara) emigrating to America changed him. Power and some kind of crime organization with a hint at a gangland war between the Costello family and his destroyed "everything" that I assume will be explained in more detail later." It sounds like Cooper knows more than this chapter reveals. It appears Peter Costello is nothing like the well-known comedian Lou. It appears the death of Frank's wife and now his own passing are sparking a discussion between Elizabeth and Cooper, her son. So far, so good!
Comment Written 25-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
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Hello and thank you for reading and leaving a kind and thoughtful review. I am grateful that you enjoyed the first chapter and look forward to learning how you enjoy the story as it progresses.
Smiles and hugs, CC
Comment from Wendy G
Welcome back! How delighted I am to see you. I have been praying for you prayed for you again only yesterday. Your story here is very well written, as yours always are and promises to be engrossing. The conflict will be ongoing and already we see Connor caught between promises. Looking forward to the next.
Wendy
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
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Welcome back! How delighted I am to see you. I have been praying for you prayed for you again only yesterday. Your story here is very well written, as yours always are and promises to be engrossing. The conflict will be ongoing and already we see Connor caught between promises. Looking forward to the next.
Wendy
Comment Written 25-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
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Hello, Wendy - I never thought I would find my way back but now that I am here, I am smiling again. I woke up one morning and found the story unfolding in my head. I had to stop watching the news and begin writing. It was exhilarating to say the least. I am thrilled you are enjoying my endeavors and hope you continue to love it as much as I do.
Smiles and hugs, CC
Comment from John Ciarmello
Oh, my friend, my friend! I am so glad you are back, and I won't pretend to understand the life you have just revealed in your notes. I will say that your coming back to writing is the most important for you and exciting for us here on FS. I loved this and was going to wait for the six on the final chapter, but that doesn't always work out! Sensational! Exciting! and intriguing beyond words! Loved it! I have missed your sagas! Best, JohnC
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
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Oh, my friend, my friend! I am so glad you are back, and I won't pretend to understand the life you have just revealed in your notes. I will say that your coming back to writing is the most important for you and exciting for us here on FS. I loved this and was going to wait for the six on the final chapter, but that doesn't always work out! Sensational! Exciting! and intriguing beyond words! Loved it! I have missed your sagas! Best, JohnC
Comment Written 25-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
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Hello, John...Thank you for stopping by. The notes barely scrape the surface, but I'm struggling to put as much behind me as possible. It was rough to lose 5 people in 8 months..actually at my age, the oldest in the family, I wondered day to day if I would be next. Luckily, my guardian angel brought me back to what I love - writing.
I am thankful you enjoyed the first chapter and big, big hugs for finding my first chapter worthy of a precious 6.
Smiles and hugs, CC
