Rise from the Fall
Viewing comments for Chapter 28 "Dawn and Duty"From one life to another
4 total reviews
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is an interesting part of your story. What does Becka do as Tatanya pleasures herself on Colton? I think I'd skip the F bomb. Yeah, kids use it all the time but there's no reason to use it when there are other ways to say it. This is likely to be a novel for teens as well as adults and some teens don't use that word. Some changes: . . .offering the sweet taste of her lips. (less awkward) . . . hips back (and) forth. . . (They're) armor piercing(,) should go. . . . copper coin (split in) two. I still notice times some of your sentences are awkward or run together. Read everything you write aloud to yourself slowly, so you catch the odd spots. Your writing has improved a lot. If your computer questions the spelling of a word, it could be correct (or not).
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2022
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This is an interesting part of your story. What does Becka do as Tatanya pleasures herself on Colton? I think I'd skip the F bomb. Yeah, kids use it all the time but there's no reason to use it when there are other ways to say it. This is likely to be a novel for teens as well as adults and some teens don't use that word. Some changes: . . .offering the sweet taste of her lips. (less awkward) . . . hips back (and) forth. . . (They're) armor piercing(,) should go. . . . copper coin (split in) two. I still notice times some of your sentences are awkward or run together. Read everything you write aloud to yourself slowly, so you catch the odd spots. Your writing has improved a lot. If your computer questions the spelling of a word, it could be correct (or not).
Comment Written 19-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2022
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Thanks again.
Comment from lancellot
A very well made chapter. Just a few notes, nothing that takes away from it.
Notes:
Dawn embraces our encampment, {and} Becka and I lay in my tent, enjoying each other's company.
- as (would be better here)
{Your} nobles now, you don't need to die like dogs."
-You're
"It suits you," My hand crawls
-"It suits you." My hand crawls
"Ask me again tomorrow. Maybe I'll {answer"}
- answer."
"I trust you all had an eventful {night?" She} jokes,
-night?" she jokes,
Triana and Hahaku join her, "Archers and Javilens will join me on the rooftops." Triana says.
-Triana and Hahaku join her. "Archers and Javilens will join me on the rooftops," Triana says.
"Yeah, sorry, I'm not used to how quiet it {is" Looking} around
-is." Looking
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
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A very well made chapter. Just a few notes, nothing that takes away from it.
Notes:
Dawn embraces our encampment, {and} Becka and I lay in my tent, enjoying each other's company.
- as (would be better here)
{Your} nobles now, you don't need to die like dogs."
-You're
"It suits you," My hand crawls
-"It suits you." My hand crawls
"Ask me again tomorrow. Maybe I'll {answer"}
- answer."
"I trust you all had an eventful {night?" She} jokes,
-night?" she jokes,
Triana and Hahaku join her, "Archers and Javilens will join me on the rooftops." Triana says.
-Triana and Hahaku join her. "Archers and Javilens will join me on the rooftops," Triana says.
"Yeah, sorry, I'm not used to how quiet it {is" Looking} around
-is." Looking
Comment Written 19-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
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Thank you once again for your feedback lancellot.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Oh boy! That's a fantasy come true. I thought this was great. It starts off with a normal time between two lovers. And turns into something completely out of left field. The writing is solid. The story is very interesting. Great job!
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
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Oh boy! That's a fantasy come true. I thought this was great. It starts off with a normal time between two lovers. And turns into something completely out of left field. The writing is solid. The story is very interesting. Great job!
Comment Written 19-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
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Thank you.
Comment from prettybluebirds
I like the way this story is written. The dialogue is excellent and makes it easy to follow the action. I'm not sure what is happening in this story as I haven't read any previous chapters. I didn't spot any errors.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2022
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I like the way this story is written. The dialogue is excellent and makes it easy to follow the action. I'm not sure what is happening in this story as I haven't read any previous chapters. I didn't spot any errors.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2022
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Thanks again for taking the time to read my work Prettybluebirds.
