Rise from the Fall
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "The Mist"From one life to another
4 total reviews
Comment from Douglas Goff
Okay, this is a very interesting read. I would certainly read more, but I am a huge science fiction guy. Having said that there are some (, .) issues with the punctuation in the dialogue. I would revisit that. Not a big deal as everybody humps the buffalo with that issue. All together, nice work. Keep it up!
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2022
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Okay, this is a very interesting read. I would certainly read more, but I am a huge science fiction guy. Having said that there are some (, .) issues with the punctuation in the dialogue. I would revisit that. Not a big deal as everybody humps the buffalo with that issue. All together, nice work. Keep it up!
Comment Written 26-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2022
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Thank you. Glad my story has your interest.
Comment from K.L. Rockquemore
This chapter was engaging throughout.
The dialogue reads authentically and has a natural flow.
The characters seem well developed and intriguing.
I appreciate the background information at the beginning and the character descriptions at the end.
Very helpful for readers that haven't read prior chapters.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2022
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This chapter was engaging throughout.
The dialogue reads authentically and has a natural flow.
The characters seem well developed and intriguing.
I appreciate the background information at the beginning and the character descriptions at the end.
Very helpful for readers that haven't read prior chapters.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2022
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Thank you.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
You have an interesting story going here. I would suggest you read the story aloud to yourself and listen to the words. At times you have sentences that are not quite sentences and yet are not suggesting great excitement that would call for incomplete sentences. For example, the last line in paragraph 3. Hearing yourself will help you notice missing words such as in this sentence--We have less the one thousand . . . Sometimes you need to tell the reader it is Colton's thoughts as a few times I thought he said something that would get him hanged. Keep up the creating, but read thoughtfully, not hurriedly.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2022
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You have an interesting story going here. I would suggest you read the story aloud to yourself and listen to the words. At times you have sentences that are not quite sentences and yet are not suggesting great excitement that would call for incomplete sentences. For example, the last line in paragraph 3. Hearing yourself will help you notice missing words such as in this sentence--We have less the one thousand . . . Sometimes you need to tell the reader it is Colton's thoughts as a few times I thought he said something that would get him hanged. Keep up the creating, but read thoughtfully, not hurriedly.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2022
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Thank you again for your feedback, Carol. Regarding the thought vs. dialogue dilemma. I'm not sure how I can make it more clear. Do you have a suggestion?
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Does he refer to himself as I, or is he "he"? First or third person. I think third person is how you are writing, but want to be sure. If it is third person, stick in he thought or Colton thought.
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It's first-person actually. So I'm using I or me. I'll go back and try and make that clearer if I can.
Comment from WLHall
I, too want reviewers to tell me the truth so I can improve. Even though I haven't read your previous chapters, I like your good descriptions of the characters; I sense you have been working hard to develop them. You have very good descriptions using the five senses to make the reader be able to feel like they are there. I did find quite a few places with errors:
I think the word you used "danmit" meant to be 'damn it'.
Paragraph 4: 'frantically' is spelled wrong. Make sure you do a spell check.
P11: 'the' should be 'than' and is this actual dialogue or internal dialogue? If internal, italicize it or use quotations otherwise.
P12: Not a complete sentence or needs a comma after 'wound'
P17: comma after 'nod' and lowercase for 'that'
P19:period after 'yes' then a new sentence telling the reader: He tells a slave to bring him a piece...
P18: combine sentence two and three using a comma.
P19: 'healing' should be 'healer'
P25; check the placements of quotation marks.
I believe there are a few other places you need to check for some more of the above findings. Read through it slowly and out loud to check for smoother reading.
Sorry, I gave you more than one place to improve on. I just know I would want reviewers to let me know.
And like I said before, I believe the storyline is good. Best wishes, Wanda
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2022
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I, too want reviewers to tell me the truth so I can improve. Even though I haven't read your previous chapters, I like your good descriptions of the characters; I sense you have been working hard to develop them. You have very good descriptions using the five senses to make the reader be able to feel like they are there. I did find quite a few places with errors:
I think the word you used "danmit" meant to be 'damn it'.
Paragraph 4: 'frantically' is spelled wrong. Make sure you do a spell check.
P11: 'the' should be 'than' and is this actual dialogue or internal dialogue? If internal, italicize it or use quotations otherwise.
P12: Not a complete sentence or needs a comma after 'wound'
P17: comma after 'nod' and lowercase for 'that'
P19:period after 'yes' then a new sentence telling the reader: He tells a slave to bring him a piece...
P18: combine sentence two and three using a comma.
P19: 'healing' should be 'healer'
P25; check the placements of quotation marks.
I believe there are a few other places you need to check for some more of the above findings. Read through it slowly and out loud to check for smoother reading.
Sorry, I gave you more than one place to improve on. I just know I would want reviewers to let me know.
And like I said before, I believe the storyline is good. Best wishes, Wanda
Comment Written 18-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2022
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Thank you for your feedback WLHall.
(P17: comma after 'nod' and lowercase for 'that') Can you elaborate on "That" Because it dialogue shouldn't it be capitalized?
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You are correct to capitalize 'That.' Sorry-sometimes these rules can get confusing. I look up grammar rules through grammarly.com. But grammar rules can differ depending on the country you are writing from.
A few other findings:
P27: No quotations before 'with new' comma needed after 'continues'
P 28-34: Consider combining into only a couple of paragraphs, maybe?
P35: Consider: '...ready to open his throat he demands, "Where were you ...?'
P37: Question mark needed
P40: 'Alex, have you' Should be 'your'
P43: 'He mutters' I think it should be lowercase 'he' Check the rule.
P45: 'Pointing to Beka' maybe use 'at' instead of 'to'
P46: Perhaps lowercase 'he'
P49: Needs a ? mark
3rd P from end: 'You' should be 'you're'
Double check me if you question anything I suggested. I would also look to combine some sentences here and there if it flows better. I hope this helps. Wanda
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Thanks again. Your feedback is helpful. I also use Grammarly. However, you have to remember not everything it offers is an actual rule. Some are just suggestions that are in the beta stage of the program. Thanks again.
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Yes, proper grammar seems to be fluid in the rules so I understand what you are saying. Best wishes. -Wanda
