New start
On the threshold of life13 total reviews
Comment from LisaMay
Your situation draws the reader into that time of your life with companionable ease, sharing the journey of healing to finding yourself... freedom to appreciate rural teaching, solitude, awareness of beauty, respectful connections, peace and stability. An exceedingly valuable 2-year experience that you have shared with insight and a storyteller's gift for expression
I love variety, so I always notice when the same word is used in close proximity. I personally prefer if there is a variation:
The evenings were brilliantly lit by the silver moon glow, softly catching the crests of waves. In the country, away from city lights and pollution, stars shone with brilliance. (The moon was brilliant and so were the stars.)
I developed the art of simple hospitality towards others and I valued the simple pleasures of home-cooked food and respectful conversation. (Hospitality was simple; so were simple pleasures.)
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2022
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Your situation draws the reader into that time of your life with companionable ease, sharing the journey of healing to finding yourself... freedom to appreciate rural teaching, solitude, awareness of beauty, respectful connections, peace and stability. An exceedingly valuable 2-year experience that you have shared with insight and a storyteller's gift for expression
I love variety, so I always notice when the same word is used in close proximity. I personally prefer if there is a variation:
The evenings were brilliantly lit by the silver moon glow, softly catching the crests of waves. In the country, away from city lights and pollution, stars shone with brilliance. (The moon was brilliant and so were the stars.)
I developed the art of simple hospitality towards others and I valued the simple pleasures of home-cooked food and respectful conversation. (Hospitality was simple; so were simple pleasures.)
Comment Written 06-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2022
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Ah thank you, excellent pick-ups. I will adjust those repetitions. I appreciate your thoughtful insights.
Wendy
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Thanks for being open to my observations.
Where was your teaching posting? Sugar cane makes me think of Qld, but I guess it could be northern NSW also.
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I first went to Sarina in North Queensland, near Mackay. (I grew up in Brisbane.)
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Oh I remember Sarina from the motorbike ride I did in 2008 up north - it was the first place I'd ever seen Brahman cattle in Australia.
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It's a beautiful area. If I didn't have all my children and grandchildren in NSW I'd go back in a heartbeat.
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I have a half-sister who lives in the hinterland of Airlie Beach - Proserpine, so I know what you mean.
Comment from GARY MACLEAN
Hard work often displaces behavior issues. Kids are just too tired after school all day then work all evening, to even think about getting into trouble.
I take it your either British or Aussie (kilometre and metre and centre). I wrote these at first until I realized that is probably the case.
Para 13, 1st sentence: Add comma after (others)
That's the only thing I could find. Great piece of healing yourself. Good job.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2022
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Hard work often displaces behavior issues. Kids are just too tired after school all day then work all evening, to even think about getting into trouble.
I take it your either British or Aussie (kilometre and metre and centre). I wrote these at first until I realized that is probably the case.
Para 13, 1st sentence: Add comma after (others)
That's the only thing I could find. Great piece of healing yourself. Good job.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2022
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Thanks so much Gary! I appreciate your super review. And yes, you guessed right - it's me again, your Aussie mate!
Wendy
Comment from Sandra Nelms-Ludwig
Sadly, I do not have any more 6s. The imagery in your writing is superb. I relished the richness of your writing. Because in my mind's eye I could see what you so vividly painted with your words. Growing up too in an extremely dysfunctional family I understand your need for a respite and a time to heal and find your own essence. This is well-done and I will be voting for this entry. It's my 6 to you! Well-deserved.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2022
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Sadly, I do not have any more 6s. The imagery in your writing is superb. I relished the richness of your writing. Because in my mind's eye I could see what you so vividly painted with your words. Growing up too in an extremely dysfunctional family I understand your need for a respite and a time to heal and find your own essence. This is well-done and I will be voting for this entry. It's my 6 to you! Well-deserved.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2022
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Oh, dear Sandra, thank you so much for your wonderful review. I am SO glad you enjoyed it, and I greatly appreciate your kind and encouraging words, along with your vote. A great Honour. Many thanks!
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It was superb writing. You are most welcome.
Comment from Tom Horonzy
The story was interesting and familiar. I left at seventeen to leave behind an abusive dad by way of the service. The script penmanship added personality, but I found "I" too repetitive. For example: "I was not lonely, although I was alone. I had a number of chameleons for company, and the regular visits of a small tree-frog. I heard the sounds of nocturnal animals scurrying about their busy lives." could have been 'Although alone, i wasn't lonely for a number of chameleons were my guests, while outside my window nocturnal critters scurried about.' idk if it's better but there are fewer I's.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2022
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The story was interesting and familiar. I left at seventeen to leave behind an abusive dad by way of the service. The script penmanship added personality, but I found "I" too repetitive. For example: "I was not lonely, although I was alone. I had a number of chameleons for company, and the regular visits of a small tree-frog. I heard the sounds of nocturnal animals scurrying about their busy lives." could have been 'Although alone, i wasn't lonely for a number of chameleons were my guests, while outside my window nocturnal critters scurried about.' idk if it's better but there are fewer I's.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2022
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Thank you very much Tom for your review, and suggestion, and I have made a couple of adjustments like you said. Being the only person in the story, I should have watched out for too many "I"s. Many thanks.
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Bravo Zule! Job well done. It reads far more interestingly to me. Best wishes and good luck.
Comment from WLHall
What a courageous thing you did with your life. So many people who have grown up in dysfunctional families don't have the fortitude to reach beyond to find true happiness. Well written, didn't see any grammatical or punctuation errors. Nice descriptive words. So happy for you!
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2022
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What a courageous thing you did with your life. So many people who have grown up in dysfunctional families don't have the fortitude to reach beyond to find true happiness. Well written, didn't see any grammatical or punctuation errors. Nice descriptive words. So happy for you!
Comment Written 05-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2022
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Thank you very much! I appreciate your very encouraging comments.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This s a fine story as I think you know. I would like to draw your attention to accessory points - form, not content. Readers tire easily. You should always prune the fat (only refain words that advance the plot) and avoid fonts that tax the eye. In all senses 'simple is better'
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2022
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This s a fine story as I think you know. I would like to draw your attention to accessory points - form, not content. Readers tire easily. You should always prune the fat (only refain words that advance the plot) and avoid fonts that tax the eye. In all senses 'simple is better'
Comment Written 05-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2022
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Thank you for reviewing. I always appreciate your thoughts and insights.
Comment from D.C.B. Green
Hello, this is an absolutely lovely story (I have become a broken record...). This doesn't even feel written, it feels as though you are telling it to me. The art of a good story is to make the person not just even hear it, see it, smell it, feel it, and taste it; but to make them be there! You have accomplished this. When I read this, I was in the story! I absolutely love this, and cannot wait for more.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2022
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Hello, this is an absolutely lovely story (I have become a broken record...). This doesn't even feel written, it feels as though you are telling it to me. The art of a good story is to make the person not just even hear it, see it, smell it, feel it, and taste it; but to make them be there! You have accomplished this. When I read this, I was in the story! I absolutely love this, and cannot wait for more.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2022
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Thank you very much for this wonderful compliment. I love people to be right there with me, right in the scene and experiencing it. I appreciate your lovely review.
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Not a problem. Thanks. I hope you win!
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I would love to see more of your poetry -after the contest so I can actually see your name, lol-
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That will be lovely! I will enjoy getting to know you and seeing your writing too. Another 24 hours or so.
Comment from karenina
I found your writing to be most compelling. You captured the simple beauty of nature with understated eloquence. More than that, without elaborating on the troubled childhood, the enormity of the impact it had on you ~ and therefore the healing nature of time away to discover what brought you joy and peace ~ came through as softly as a prayer.
There is an old saying that life is what is represented by that dash between the year of birth and the year of death on a gravestone. 1927 - 2022. It's that "pause" in between that holds all our essence.
I could not help but feel this again as you wrote about this "quiet interim" which indeed became the best time of your life! It is where you found You!
Moving, wonderful write...
Karenina
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2022
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I found your writing to be most compelling. You captured the simple beauty of nature with understated eloquence. More than that, without elaborating on the troubled childhood, the enormity of the impact it had on you ~ and therefore the healing nature of time away to discover what brought you joy and peace ~ came through as softly as a prayer.
There is an old saying that life is what is represented by that dash between the year of birth and the year of death on a gravestone. 1927 - 2022. It's that "pause" in between that holds all our essence.
I could not help but feel this again as you wrote about this "quiet interim" which indeed became the best time of your life! It is where you found You!
Moving, wonderful write...
Karenina
Comment Written 02-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2022
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Thank you very much Karenina. You have understood perfectly!
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A credit, then, to your ability to convey so clearly!
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Very nicely written. Good work.
It sounds right up my alley, or forte as my wife and I joke. (We love to torture and abuse the English language) Marry another teacher and stay right there forever.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2022
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Very nicely written. Good work.
It sounds right up my alley, or forte as my wife and I joke. (We love to torture and abuse the English language) Marry another teacher and stay right there forever.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2022
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Thank you Wayne. Great suggestion - but too late now!
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
You paint a clear picture with your words, for instance: Herds of BLACK cattle grazed LANGUIDLY on the LUSH GREEN grasses of ROLLING hills.
I also like that you have introduced your students - what they do, their priorities and challenges, the fact that behavior problems are not an issue . . . It shows a contrast to the life you have led up until that point.
"I was not lonely, although I was alone." Love that statement.
That you used a cursive font gives this piece a feeling of being a diary entry.
I'm so glad that you escaped the dysfunction and was able to heal and learn that your family's way is not the only way.
This is a beautiful piece of writing.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2022
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You paint a clear picture with your words, for instance: Herds of BLACK cattle grazed LANGUIDLY on the LUSH GREEN grasses of ROLLING hills.
I also like that you have introduced your students - what they do, their priorities and challenges, the fact that behavior problems are not an issue . . . It shows a contrast to the life you have led up until that point.
"I was not lonely, although I was alone." Love that statement.
That you used a cursive font gives this piece a feeling of being a diary entry.
I'm so glad that you escaped the dysfunction and was able to heal and learn that your family's way is not the only way.
This is a beautiful piece of writing.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2022
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Thank you VERY much Pam. I am honoured by your words, and by the six star rating, and very appreciative.
