Twin Hearts
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "part 9"A one night stand leads to many surprises
2 total reviews
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
I have finally managed to pop in again, and I don't regret it. You are continuing to write in an attractive style, that flows well, with good pace and plenty of action. I'm pleasantly surprised to see that using the present tense isn't causing you any problems. Now you are up to ten chapters, I would like you to consider: writing to be read in episodes is an art. It works best if you help the reader to remember your story by starting each chapter with a short 'story so far' paragraph (for example I read 10-20 posts most days, plus my reading outside FS - remembering what's what becomes an issue) Kate xx
Note: looking at me, and don't miss > looking at me, and I don't miss
Q: do you read and review on FS? feedback is an important part of life here and it's a two-way road. The more people you review consistently, the more reviews you will receive... also, reading analytically improves your own writing in my experience.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2022
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I have finally managed to pop in again, and I don't regret it. You are continuing to write in an attractive style, that flows well, with good pace and plenty of action. I'm pleasantly surprised to see that using the present tense isn't causing you any problems. Now you are up to ten chapters, I would like you to consider: writing to be read in episodes is an art. It works best if you help the reader to remember your story by starting each chapter with a short 'story so far' paragraph (for example I read 10-20 posts most days, plus my reading outside FS - remembering what's what becomes an issue) Kate xx
Note: looking at me, and don't miss > looking at me, and I don't miss
Q: do you read and review on FS? feedback is an important part of life here and it's a two-way road. The more people you review consistently, the more reviews you will receive... also, reading analytically improves your own writing in my experience.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2022
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thank you
Comment from Jay Squires
A fine ongoing chapter in your book, Sylvia. I'm getting to know your characters and like them.
I wish he would have known. I would have been there for you. [Shouldn't this be, "I wish I would have known?"]
The door opens, and Nurse Penny comes in the door. "What's up, Penny?" [This gets quite confusing. Unless Thomas asked "what's up, Penny?" you need to put it in a separate paragraph. Never have two characters speaking in the same paragraph.]
"No, he won't. I'm going to sit with him and ensure he isn't scared." Thomas says. [Use a comma before the closed quote, since 'Thomas says' is a character tag.]
you may make decisions if it's okay with Miss Villa." Dr. Kingsly says. [Same as before. Use a comma before a character tag. The only exceptions are question marks and exclamation points. Inasmuch as you have been consistently making the same error of punctuation, you might want to read up on a fine article, whose link I'm providing. You'll have to paste it in your browser, but I think you'll find it worthwhile. The link: https://tinyurl.com/rm7htdet ]
Thanks for sharing, Sylvia.
Jay
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2022
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A fine ongoing chapter in your book, Sylvia. I'm getting to know your characters and like them.
I wish he would have known. I would have been there for you. [Shouldn't this be, "I wish I would have known?"]
The door opens, and Nurse Penny comes in the door. "What's up, Penny?" [This gets quite confusing. Unless Thomas asked "what's up, Penny?" you need to put it in a separate paragraph. Never have two characters speaking in the same paragraph.]
"No, he won't. I'm going to sit with him and ensure he isn't scared." Thomas says. [Use a comma before the closed quote, since 'Thomas says' is a character tag.]
you may make decisions if it's okay with Miss Villa." Dr. Kingsly says. [Same as before. Use a comma before a character tag. The only exceptions are question marks and exclamation points. Inasmuch as you have been consistently making the same error of punctuation, you might want to read up on a fine article, whose link I'm providing. You'll have to paste it in your browser, but I think you'll find it worthwhile. The link: https://tinyurl.com/rm7htdet ]
Thanks for sharing, Sylvia.
Jay
Comment Written 31-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2022
-
thank you
