Rise from the Fall
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "We march to war"From one life to another
4 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
You have a lot of strength as a writer. Your characters are well-defined, not cardboard, and are interesting.
Your mingling of dialogue with narrative, to me, is your strongest suit. I imagine it comes easiest to you.
The areas I've found that need work are the accuracy of description. Allied with that is the avoidance of the "easy choice" the cliche. Occasionally, though, you excite the reader's eye and ear with "tent flaps dancing". It's fresh and original.
Here are a few things I noted as I read:
Walking between the crowds, I reach for the Torc around my neck. [... Walking AMONG the crowds... (between refers to two, among to many]
We lock eyes, seeing my worry. She smiles. [I believe you have the punctuation wrong here. "We lock eyes(.) Seeing me worry(,) she smiles]
She puts her whole weight on his chest, she continues [She puts her whole weight on his chest, CONTINUING(,) "(a)nd three ... ]
Through gasps, he glares knives at her, [I would suggest avoiding cliches like "glares knives (or daggers)" since they just weaken your narrative. Instead,]
He points to his missing eye, "We're family." [Is his missing eye significant to the regular reader? In other words, has it been explained in previous chapters?]
He leaves, the tent flaps dancing behind him. [Tent flaps "dancing ..." Now, that's a good image.]
"I wish it had not taken me so long to realize. [You need a closed quote here]
With your attitude toward critiques and improvement, your writing is about to improve dramatically.
Jay Squires
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2022
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You have a lot of strength as a writer. Your characters are well-defined, not cardboard, and are interesting.
Your mingling of dialogue with narrative, to me, is your strongest suit. I imagine it comes easiest to you.
The areas I've found that need work are the accuracy of description. Allied with that is the avoidance of the "easy choice" the cliche. Occasionally, though, you excite the reader's eye and ear with "tent flaps dancing". It's fresh and original.
Here are a few things I noted as I read:
Walking between the crowds, I reach for the Torc around my neck. [... Walking AMONG the crowds... (between refers to two, among to many]
We lock eyes, seeing my worry. She smiles. [I believe you have the punctuation wrong here. "We lock eyes(.) Seeing me worry(,) she smiles]
She puts her whole weight on his chest, she continues [She puts her whole weight on his chest, CONTINUING(,) "(a)nd three ... ]
Through gasps, he glares knives at her, [I would suggest avoiding cliches like "glares knives (or daggers)" since they just weaken your narrative. Instead,
He points to his missing eye, "We're family." [Is his missing eye significant to the regular reader? In other words, has it been explained in previous chapters?]
He leaves, the tent flaps dancing behind him. [Tent flaps "dancing ..." Now, that's a good image.]
"I wish it had not taken me so long to realize. [You need a closed quote here]
With your attitude toward critiques and improvement, your writing is about to improve dramatically.
Jay Squires
Comment Written 21-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2022
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Thank you for your feedback, Jay Squires. For clarification regarding two of your points. I agree wholeheartedly that glaring daggers/knives are cliches. I'll try to reword that, but I also don't want to be too obscure.
As for the Hahaku pointing to his eye, it's a reference to a time before the book. Iona and Colton get the meaning behind it. However, I may have been too subtle about it in previous chapters. I can try adding more lore drops in this chapter, but I'm worried it could affect the flow.
I'm open to suggestions if you'd be willing to share.
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I'm sorry. I don't see the connection between obscurity and the use of an obvious cliche. In your instance, I was merely saying that "She glared at him" is vastly better than "she glared daggers at him."
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Ah, I see thank you for the clarification.
Comment from jp88
I enjoyed reading this chapter and it definitely makes me want to read more, so that is great. Obviously, it is hard to comment sometimes when one reads a chapter in the middle of a novel and does not know what has been established and what has not. But the thing is, I did not feel particularly confused about anything, just intrigued and that is a sign of really good writing. I greatly enjoyed how you are writing in first person. I am normally not a fan, I do prefer third, but you do it in a clever, subtle way so it is nice to read.
There is a small grammatical issue (I think): "Without a word, Iona flips the man back onto the floor." - the "back" in there to me suggests that he has been on the floor before, but he has been sitting on the chair? Or is it supposed to refer to him being with the back on the floor?
Anyways, lovely writing!
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2022
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I enjoyed reading this chapter and it definitely makes me want to read more, so that is great. Obviously, it is hard to comment sometimes when one reads a chapter in the middle of a novel and does not know what has been established and what has not. But the thing is, I did not feel particularly confused about anything, just intrigued and that is a sign of really good writing. I greatly enjoyed how you are writing in first person. I am normally not a fan, I do prefer third, but you do it in a clever, subtle way so it is nice to read.
There is a small grammatical issue (I think): "Without a word, Iona flips the man back onto the floor." - the "back" in there to me suggests that he has been on the floor before, but he has been sitting on the chair? Or is it supposed to refer to him being with the back on the floor?
Anyways, lovely writing!
Comment Written 21-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2022
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Thank you for the feedback, jp88. I post every month so stay tuned. If you want to stay up to date, don't hesitate to fan me.
Comment from Fleedleflump
I like Iona - she's a bad ass! This is an excellent chapter, and I enjoyed the natural transition between scenes without anything feeling laboured. Your dialogue is excellent, conveying plenty of character and moving things forward without getting bogged down.
I made quite a few notes as I went, which I hope are helpful. You've got a solid hand here - there are just a few tweaks to make.
Mike
In addition to the notes below, be careful of 'omnipotent pov' - you have a strong, deep PoV character, which is great, but sometimes you hint at omnipotence (such as a line about everybody being tired - although our PoV character may be able to assume or deduce that, it's written as though fact).
Spag notes:
'Less than one thousand answered Iona's call.' - 'Less' should be 'Fewer'
'We lock eyes, seeing my worry. She smiles,' - the smile is a result of seeing the worry, so they should share the sentence. Also, the smile is an action rather than a speech tag, so should end with a full stop: 'We lock eyes. Seeing my worry, she smiles.'
'Steeling myself, we enter the tent' - this makes it sound as though you're referring to yourself with the 'royal we' in the second part of the sentence because you go from a personal action to a shared one. Might be better as: 'I steel myself as we enter the tent'
'Northern outpost. While to the east and west of' - in this context, 'while' would be a sentence joined rather than a starter. You can remove it to make things clearer: 'Northern outpost. To the east and west of'
'make it past The Scar." Iona says.' - should be a comma rather than a full stop after 'Scar' because we're going into a speech tag.
'He's older, grizzled, and scared.' - should this be 'scarred'? He might be frightened, of course, but it doesn't feel as though you mean that.
'"Iona, why should any of us listen to you?" The young captain Zeno protests, Leaning back in his chair, he plops his feet on the table.' - the tag is unnecessary because the action tells us who is speaking. Also, the fact he's protesting is already clear from what you've shown us, so there's no need to tell us: '"Iona, why should any of us listen to you?" The young captain Zeno leans back in his chair and plops his feet on the table.'
'Putting her whole weight on his chest.' - should be 'She puts her whole weight on his chest.' or could lead into the dialogue: 'Putting her whole weight on his chest, she continues, "and three, if you'
'With a frantic nod, Iona releases him.' - sounds as though Iona is doing the frantic nod. Because it's Zeno's action, is needs to be in its own clause or sentence: 'Zeon gives a frantic nod, and Iona releases him.'
'Point made, Zeno returns to his seat.' - similar to the above note, the action is Iona's but this makes it sound as though it was Zeno's. Suggest splitting the sentence: 'Point made. Zeno returns to his seat.'
'"He wants power," She looks up.' - looking is an action rather than a speech tag, so the speech should end with a full stop: '"He wants power." She looks up.'
'Suddenly Giselle makes herself known.' - be careful with 'suddenly' - technically, any new action is sudden, so unless it's a great shock, it's usually best left out. Here, I'd suggest simply removing it, or giving some locational context: 'Giselle makes herself known.' or 'Speaking from off to the side, Giselle makes herself known.'
'If we lose, he loses along with us" ' - missing full stop after 'us'
'Iona, if my warriors should be able to hold your left flank without problems.' - the 'if' needs to be removed.
'Though her vale hides her features. Those pale blue eyes give her away.' - this should be one sentence as the first relates directly to the second: 'Though her vale hides her features, those pale blue eyes give her away.'
'A shame it took Colton, nearly dying for you to realize that..' - the comma can be removed, and there's a double full stop at the end.
'"It's ok to ask for help, Enid," I say' - needs a full stop at the end.
'Suddenly, she jumps into my arms, hanging from my neck. "Please come home safe," her words barely a whisper.' - here, 'Suddenly' works well, because she's gone from seeming irritated to unexpected affection. After her speech, though, it should be a full stop: 'Suddenly, she jumps into my arms, hanging from my neck. "Please come home safe." Her words are barely a whisper.'
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2022
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I like Iona - she's a bad ass! This is an excellent chapter, and I enjoyed the natural transition between scenes without anything feeling laboured. Your dialogue is excellent, conveying plenty of character and moving things forward without getting bogged down.
I made quite a few notes as I went, which I hope are helpful. You've got a solid hand here - there are just a few tweaks to make.
Mike
In addition to the notes below, be careful of 'omnipotent pov' - you have a strong, deep PoV character, which is great, but sometimes you hint at omnipotence (such as a line about everybody being tired - although our PoV character may be able to assume or deduce that, it's written as though fact).
Spag notes:
'Less than one thousand answered Iona's call.' - 'Less' should be 'Fewer'
'We lock eyes, seeing my worry. She smiles,' - the smile is a result of seeing the worry, so they should share the sentence. Also, the smile is an action rather than a speech tag, so should end with a full stop: 'We lock eyes. Seeing my worry, she smiles.'
'Steeling myself, we enter the tent' - this makes it sound as though you're referring to yourself with the 'royal we' in the second part of the sentence because you go from a personal action to a shared one. Might be better as: 'I steel myself as we enter the tent'
'Northern outpost. While to the east and west of' - in this context, 'while' would be a sentence joined rather than a starter. You can remove it to make things clearer: 'Northern outpost. To the east and west of'
'make it past The Scar." Iona says.' - should be a comma rather than a full stop after 'Scar' because we're going into a speech tag.
'He's older, grizzled, and scared.' - should this be 'scarred'? He might be frightened, of course, but it doesn't feel as though you mean that.
'"Iona, why should any of us listen to you?" The young captain Zeno protests, Leaning back in his chair, he plops his feet on the table.' - the tag is unnecessary because the action tells us who is speaking. Also, the fact he's protesting is already clear from what you've shown us, so there's no need to tell us: '"Iona, why should any of us listen to you?" The young captain Zeno leans back in his chair and plops his feet on the table.'
'Putting her whole weight on his chest.' - should be 'She puts her whole weight on his chest.' or could lead into the dialogue: 'Putting her whole weight on his chest, she continues, "and three, if you'
'With a frantic nod, Iona releases him.' - sounds as though Iona is doing the frantic nod. Because it's Zeno's action, is needs to be in its own clause or sentence: 'Zeon gives a frantic nod, and Iona releases him.'
'Point made, Zeno returns to his seat.' - similar to the above note, the action is Iona's but this makes it sound as though it was Zeno's. Suggest splitting the sentence: 'Point made. Zeno returns to his seat.'
'"He wants power," She looks up.' - looking is an action rather than a speech tag, so the speech should end with a full stop: '"He wants power." She looks up.'
'Suddenly Giselle makes herself known.' - be careful with 'suddenly' - technically, any new action is sudden, so unless it's a great shock, it's usually best left out. Here, I'd suggest simply removing it, or giving some locational context: 'Giselle makes herself known.' or 'Speaking from off to the side, Giselle makes herself known.'
'If we lose, he loses along with us" ' - missing full stop after 'us'
'Iona, if my warriors should be able to hold your left flank without problems.' - the 'if' needs to be removed.
'Though her vale hides her features. Those pale blue eyes give her away.' - this should be one sentence as the first relates directly to the second: 'Though her vale hides her features, those pale blue eyes give her away.'
'A shame it took Colton, nearly dying for you to realize that..' - the comma can be removed, and there's a double full stop at the end.
'"It's ok to ask for help, Enid," I say' - needs a full stop at the end.
'Suddenly, she jumps into my arms, hanging from my neck. "Please come home safe," her words barely a whisper.' - here, 'Suddenly' works well, because she's gone from seeming irritated to unexpected affection. After her speech, though, it should be a full stop: 'Suddenly, she jumps into my arms, hanging from my neck. "Please come home safe." Her words are barely a whisper.'
Comment Written 19-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2022
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Thank you so much for this feedback, Fiddleflump. It was very helpful.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is good. You make it seem like a war council, which is important. You have spelled Giselle or Geselle (use one). . . .Tatanya in (tow). A one point you speak about masks, but I don't really know what you were talking about. Could be you have used it in earlier chapters, and I missed it.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2022
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This is good. You make it seem like a war council, which is important. You have spelled Giselle or Geselle (use one). . . .Tatanya in (tow). A one point you speak about masks, but I don't really know what you were talking about. Could be you have used it in earlier chapters, and I missed it.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2022
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Thank you for the feedback Carol. For clarification, when Giselle is talking about masks, she's referring to the bladder Iona used. Should I change this?
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I'm not really sure how it fits together. Is it the bladder of an animal that they pull over their face to make a mask?
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Exactly. Imagine a mask that covers your nose and mouth.
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Is it like a respirator? Or just a disguise?
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Yes, like a respirator, I did some research, and some sources indicated that Rome used something like this for miners so they wouldn't inhale dust particles.
