The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "The Wild Horse"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
4 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
Again, you did an excellent job of weaving explanations into the story, a skill you have mastered. I enjoyed the banter between Ilati and Shir Del after dismounting/falling from the horse. Another depth to their individual characters but their relationship as well. And you also left us with some intrigue regarding Eigou.
A few suggestions to consider:
'The horse had the same dappled gray coat as Araxa, giving her the impression (that) the gods crafted Youtab's sculpted head and muscular body of stone, with a dark mane.' I think you could delete 'that'.
'Artakhshathra may have thought (that) mares were not best for battle, but Ilati was certain he was wrong in this case.' Delete 'that'.
'The priestess smiled faintly (at that)... ' I think you could delete 'at that'.
Another wonderful chapter. Looking forward to the next one.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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Again, you did an excellent job of weaving explanations into the story, a skill you have mastered. I enjoyed the banter between Ilati and Shir Del after dismounting/falling from the horse. Another depth to their individual characters but their relationship as well. And you also left us with some intrigue regarding Eigou.
A few suggestions to consider:
'The horse had the same dappled gray coat as Araxa, giving her the impression (that) the gods crafted Youtab's sculpted head and muscular body of stone, with a dark mane.' I think you could delete 'that'.
'Artakhshathra may have thought (that) mares were not best for battle, but Ilati was certain he was wrong in this case.' Delete 'that'.
'The priestess smiled faintly (at that)... ' I think you could delete 'at that'.
Another wonderful chapter. Looking forward to the next one.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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I?m glad the relationships between characters are developing alright, and that Eigou is somewhat mysterious. He?s meant to be ambiguous at times or at least less scrutable. Thank you so much for reading.
Comment from Faith Williams
Again, you did an excellent job of weaving explanations into the story, a skill you have mastered. I enjoyed the banter between Ilati and Shir Del after dismounting/falling from the horse. Another depth to their individual characters but their relationship as well. And you also left us with some intrigue regarding Eigou.
A few suggestions to consider:
'The horse had the same dappled gray coat as Araxa, giving her the impression (that) the gods crafted Youtab's sculpted head and muscular body of stone, with a dark mane.' I think you could delete 'that'.
'Artakhshathra may have thought (that) mares were not best for battle, but Ilati was certain he was wrong in this case.' Delete 'that'.
'The priestess smiled faintly (at that)... ' I think you could delete 'at that'.
Another wonderful chapter. Looking forward to the next one.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
|
Again, you did an excellent job of weaving explanations into the story, a skill you have mastered. I enjoyed the banter between Ilati and Shir Del after dismounting/falling from the horse. Another depth to their individual characters but their relationship as well. And you also left us with some intrigue regarding Eigou.
A few suggestions to consider:
'The horse had the same dappled gray coat as Araxa, giving her the impression (that) the gods crafted Youtab's sculpted head and muscular body of stone, with a dark mane.' I think you could delete 'that'.
'Artakhshathra may have thought (that) mares were not best for battle, but Ilati was certain he was wrong in this case.' Delete 'that'.
'The priestess smiled faintly (at that)... ' I think you could delete 'at that'.
Another wonderful chapter. Looking forward to the next one.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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Those "that"s are a real problem. I?m definitely going to have to go through and weed them. Thank you for taking a look at all of this. I really appreciate your time.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
I think I read these two chapters in inverse order (few people here post succesive chapters in such quick succession. There are valid reasons for that). It didn't really make much difference to me, except I was pleased to see you pointing out that Ilati as an outsider also has problems with the names of your characters (I felt less useless!). Kate xx
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2022
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I think I read these two chapters in inverse order (few people here post succesive chapters in such quick succession. There are valid reasons for that). It didn't really make much difference to me, except I was pleased to see you pointing out that Ilati as an outsider also has problems with the names of your characters (I felt less useless!). Kate xx
Comment Written 16-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2022
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Thank you again for reading. I promise you are hardly useless. Looking at Ancient Persian names for the Sut Resi characters has made me appreciate how limited my own pronunciation is. Have a wonderful day.
Comment from lancellot
Ah, I see I read these chapters out of order. Oh, well, it doesn't slow anything and provides clarity to a few questions. It is good to see that the horses are, not only named but practically members of the tribe.
The questions were a good way to inform the readers without being an information dump. Good writing.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2022
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Ah, I see I read these chapters out of order. Oh, well, it doesn't slow anything and provides clarity to a few questions. It is good to see that the horses are, not only named but practically members of the tribe.
The questions were a good way to inform the readers without being an information dump. Good writing.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2022
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Thank you again for reading. I know I posted them in quick succession, so it was easy to get them out of order. My fault for getting too excited. Have a wonderful day.
