Birthday Presence
A birthday gift/driving lesson refresher course.16 total reviews
Comment from GARY MACLEAN
I like how you say "...except SHE was gone." Calling your car, she. And then "Her" throughout the story. Ours is she too.
Just a couple of minor observations:
Para 6, 2nd sentence: Remove symbol (<) after (Box)
Para 9, 2nd sentence: (Clousseau) should be (Clouseau)
Para 10, 2nd sentence: It looks like you intended a new paragraph following (hole.) If so, you need a paragraph space.
Para 10, 5th sentence (milimeters) should be (millimeters)
Your Dad had good advice. That was quite a long trek for an unpiloted vehicle to take. You are so fortunate nothing any more critical happened.
Fun story.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2022
  |
I like how you say "...except SHE was gone." Calling your car, she. And then "Her" throughout the story. Ours is she too.
Just a couple of minor observations:
Para 6, 2nd sentence: Remove symbol (<) after (Box)
Para 9, 2nd sentence: (Clousseau) should be (Clouseau)
Para 10, 2nd sentence: It looks like you intended a new paragraph following (hole.) If so, you need a paragraph space.
Para 10, 5th sentence (milimeters) should be (millimeters)
Your Dad had good advice. That was quite a long trek for an unpiloted vehicle to take. You are so fortunate nothing any more critical happened.
Fun story.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2022
-
You are so generous to have done all this editing work for me! Thanks very, very much. I'm not sure I'm allowed to edit it now until the contest is over. Thanks for all your help. Very much appreciated.
And, yes, it was simply miraculous that nothing happened to HER as she navigated as a solo artist! That's exactly how I "knew" that my father had a hand in it. He wanted me to learn an important lesson, but not suffer severely as a result. That was the gift part of my birthday gift, apparently. Heart attack, but no out-of-pocket expenses. Thanks, Dad.
Comment from lyenochka
What a story! Did you confront who took your car? Was it a prank? I am glad you took your father's lesson seriously after that. I liked your metaphor of the ballerina with her tutu on fire and the Clouseau reference. But I wasn't clear about the birthday presents. Did your father send you birthday presents after he died? Was it planned ahead?
Best wishes in the contest!
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2022
|
What a story! Did you confront who took your car? Was it a prank? I am glad you took your father's lesson seriously after that. I liked your metaphor of the ballerina with her tutu on fire and the Clouseau reference. But I wasn't clear about the birthday presents. Did your father send you birthday presents after he died? Was it planned ahead?
Best wishes in the contest!
Comment Written 10-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2022
-
My father's gifts, after he died, were of the inexplicable variety: a huge orangey-red rose ["blaze", his favorite shade] on a 'miniature' variety of rose bush in a small pot in my kitchen that, both before and after only ever produced RED roses. Another 'gift' came in the form of going on a blind date with someone who ended up being my husband. These are just two examples, there's been one every year since 1982 when he passed. All were too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence. And because my father was the person who taught me how to drive and was VERY adamant--it was his #1 rule, in fact--about the fact that a driver should never, ever, EVER leave a vehicle running, I am certain that "he" commandeered my car and took her on that wild adventure to remind me of that #1 rule.
Anyway, thank you for your review; I appreciate the time you put in to reading and writing my work.
Comment from dellsworthpoet
Neat story told with humor. I am sure it took some time to view this as funny. The pace of the piece is good. The language is conversational and warm. The story stays on point. The images are clear. Gives a kitchen table warmth to the narrative.
Thanks for a good read.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2022
|
Neat story told with humor. I am sure it took some time to view this as funny. The pace of the piece is good. The language is conversational and warm. The story stays on point. The images are clear. Gives a kitchen table warmth to the narrative.
Thanks for a good read.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2022
-
Wow, what a super (a) helpful and (b) encouraging review this is! Thank you for the time and thought that went into it. It's the kind that's excellent because it's so specific. I really appreciate it.
-
You are welcome. Sometimes the feeling invoked in the reader is a major part of the work. Well done.
-
Agreed.
Comment from Lordinajamjar
What sheer delight to see you posting here again.
Your wit and craft (almost witchcraft) are on display in this wonderful piece.
Really enjoyed this.
Welcome back xx
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2022
 |
What sheer delight to see you posting here again.
Your wit and craft (almost witchcraft) are on display in this wonderful piece.
Really enjoyed this.
Welcome back xx
Comment Written 10-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2022
-
And now I see why I missed you, as well!! You were always so positive with your reviews, and encouraging. Thanks for this one. xo
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
LOL, your father taught you a good lesson that day! It must have been him, how else could it have gone without you hearing anything? It's a lesson for everyone. I enjoyed your birthday surprises, my friend, and wish you the best of luck in the contest. :)) Sandra xxx
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2022
|
LOL, your father taught you a good lesson that day! It must have been him, how else could it have gone without you hearing anything? It's a lesson for everyone. I enjoyed your birthday surprises, my friend, and wish you the best of luck in the contest. :)) Sandra xxx
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2022
-
Thanks, Sandra. I have not one shred of doubt that it was him!! Even though he was a quiet man, that point came through loud and clear!! Thanks for the review. xo
Comment from prettybluebirds
I see this is listed as fiction and it should say nonfiction. You might want to edit and correct it before the contest. I love the story and it should do pretty well in the contest. I wish you tons of luck.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2022
|
I see this is listed as fiction and it should say nonfiction. You might want to edit and correct it before the contest. I love the story and it should do pretty well in the contest. I wish you tons of luck.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2022
-
Oh! I didn't realize that! Thank you very much for that help. I must have mis-read it.
