Comment from mayflowerbg

Excellent

Hi, my friend!

I'm sure I have already reviewed this one, I think the system has played a trick to me.
It was one of my longest reviews. Anyway, I liked it, I had a piece of advice: always use "space" after comma, it's a rule!!!
Nice day!
Maya

 Comment Written 15-Jun-2006

Comment from ooo JO ooo

Average

Hi,

This starts out with a bang, but it ends with a burp. Is the S.O. a fifer? That's what the 2nd stanza says.

I enjoyed the word play. This is very imaginative:

Now I'm like the silver moon
among the billing loopy loon
and the loony coon

when it shines in the pool
and hides amid the hilly cool

The stanza breaks in this poem seem to be arbitrary. When I look at the last words of the lines it seems like you were looking for a rhyme scheme, but gave up at the end.

met
wet
fife
life
moon
loon
coon
pool
cool
falls
falls
lost
apart
lost
hearth
door
heart

Thanks for sharing, and I wish you well!

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2006

Comment from joyshri

Average

There is such a quick change of scene and thought that I have got a bit lost. Your rhyming is good but the words do not express what you want to convey. I would suggest trying free verse with special attention to the flow and rythm of words while matching them to your thoughts. Joyshri.

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2006

Comment from GeorgeRoberts

Good

Good effort. The use of LOST twice in 3 lines seems a bit repetitive (Don't worry, i'm hard on myself with this issue!). I toil over these issues for ages before finding something which fits. The 3rd stanza was a bit confusing, ie. What is a billing loopy loon and a loopy coon? Perhpas just my ignorance. Kind regards - GeorgeRoberts

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2006