Twin Hearts
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "part 7"A one night stand leads to many surprises
3 total reviews
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Wow, hold down I'm lost here. What's going on? Henry and Henry, are these two the twins of Neveah? I think I had missed something. Thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2022
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Wow, hold down I'm lost here. What's going on? Henry and Henry, are these two the twins of Neveah? I think I had missed something. Thank you for sharing
Comment Written 22-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2022
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Noah and Norah are the twins her best friend is Henry
Comment from Jay Squires
I really enjoyed reading your chapter, Sylvia. You have so much going for you. Natural talent. An interesting story-line. I see from your bio that you're a first-time writer. I have been writing for 65 + years. I hope some of the suggestions I made as I read along in your chapter you'll be able to use. Read my suggestions with the background knowledge that whatever I point out to you, suggesting change, I have made far worse mistakes when I started out. The big difference is that I didn't have FanStory to work through my shortcomings with. Really, I'm surprised I stuck it out. So accept what I say or reject it, but please, take my offerings in the spirit in which they were intended.
To proceed, then ....
I sobbed into his chest for what seemed hours. [Here, you slipped into the past tense. Since this is a present tense story, make sure you are consistent. It signals to an editor the writing of a beginner. Now I've read another thing or two by you and I don't think that's the case here. I hope it's just a slip-up.]
"What do I do?" I cry. [Personally, I think I'd hold back on this "I cry." We've gone beyond where it's helpful to the reader.]
The front desk girl gave me a urine cup and advised me to leave it in the little window in the bathroom. [Oops! the dreaded past tense again.]
making Henry and I laugh. ["... making Henry and ME laugh." Read it with out "Henry and". You wouldn't say "making I laugh"!]
"I don't want to see it." I cry. [Consider mixing it up with something like, "I felt the tears well up" You can even have the docter seem like he's under water." Just little creative tricks.]
I cry out. [You have this twice in three successive sentences. Allow for variation.]
Hearing my baby's heart beating made me feel protective [Past tense]
Henry has a study group and offered to drive me home, [Past tense]
Sitting in front of me was Tj, but he wasn't the one that called my name; [Past tense]
Okay, Sylvia You have a good sense of drama and you know how to maintain tension in your writing. That is good. The only MAJOR thing I noticed was the urge to slip into the past tense. I think I've found them all. You might use it as a project and determine what preceding words triggered the change. That way, if it is the same or similar trigger each time, you'll learn to anticipate it and avoid falling into its trap.
Another thing you need to work on, in my estimation (and my estimation might be wrong), is you tend to get stilted when you describe an emotion. There are hundreds of ways to describe "crying" without saying the word -- Okay, at least scores of ways. Don't get hung up on "I cry". It seems especially ineffective in the present tense because it doesn't afix itself easily to the incident.
That's about all I have to offer, but if you leave this with the feeling that I didn't like your story, or that I thought you were ineffective as a writer, then I've failed you, and I'm sorry. I hope you get up every morning filled to the brim with excitement for what you are going to create today. Please don't lose that feeling....
Jay
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2022
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I really enjoyed reading your chapter, Sylvia. You have so much going for you. Natural talent. An interesting story-line. I see from your bio that you're a first-time writer. I have been writing for 65 + years. I hope some of the suggestions I made as I read along in your chapter you'll be able to use. Read my suggestions with the background knowledge that whatever I point out to you, suggesting change, I have made far worse mistakes when I started out. The big difference is that I didn't have FanStory to work through my shortcomings with. Really, I'm surprised I stuck it out. So accept what I say or reject it, but please, take my offerings in the spirit in which they were intended.
To proceed, then ....
I sobbed into his chest for what seemed hours. [Here, you slipped into the past tense. Since this is a present tense story, make sure you are consistent. It signals to an editor the writing of a beginner. Now I've read another thing or two by you and I don't think that's the case here. I hope it's just a slip-up.]
"What do I do?" I cry. [Personally, I think I'd hold back on this "I cry." We've gone beyond where it's helpful to the reader.]
The front desk girl gave me a urine cup and advised me to leave it in the little window in the bathroom. [Oops! the dreaded past tense again.]
making Henry and I laugh. ["... making Henry and ME laugh." Read it with out "Henry and". You wouldn't say "making I laugh"!]
"I don't want to see it." I cry. [Consider mixing it up with something like, "I felt the tears well up" You can even have the docter seem like he's under water." Just little creative tricks.]
I cry out. [You have this twice in three successive sentences. Allow for variation.]
Hearing my baby's heart beating made me feel protective [Past tense]
Henry has a study group and offered to drive me home, [Past tense]
Sitting in front of me was Tj, but he wasn't the one that called my name; [Past tense]
Okay, Sylvia You have a good sense of drama and you know how to maintain tension in your writing. That is good. The only MAJOR thing I noticed was the urge to slip into the past tense. I think I've found them all. You might use it as a project and determine what preceding words triggered the change. That way, if it is the same or similar trigger each time, you'll learn to anticipate it and avoid falling into its trap.
Another thing you need to work on, in my estimation (and my estimation might be wrong), is you tend to get stilted when you describe an emotion. There are hundreds of ways to describe "crying" without saying the word -- Okay, at least scores of ways. Don't get hung up on "I cry". It seems especially ineffective in the present tense because it doesn't afix itself easily to the incident.
That's about all I have to offer, but if you leave this with the feeling that I didn't like your story, or that I thought you were ineffective as a writer, then I've failed you, and I'm sorry. I hope you get up every morning filled to the brim with excitement for what you are going to create today. Please don't lose that feeling....
Jay
Comment Written 22-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2022
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thank you!
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
You write an interesting story with lots of twists and turns. How amazing at the end that there is a lawyer and TJ with an identical twin. And the doctor has been taken off her son's case. I have to keep reading to find out what is going on.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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You write an interesting story with lots of twists and turns. How amazing at the end that there is a lawyer and TJ with an identical twin. And the doctor has been taken off her son's case. I have to keep reading to find out what is going on.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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Thank you!
