Rise from the Fall
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Dark Memories"From one life to another
5 total reviews
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
I like your story. It moves along at a good pace and the help of the blind woman is balanced by the violence that follows. The actions are believable and the blink woman knowing the way is possible. There are a few things you might want to look at: "I'm ok(,) Little Light," . . . ash(-)covered clothes. . . . a few fewer wrinkles . . . wouldn't read so awkwardly if you just say "fewer wrinkles . . ." Do you mind if I fan you so I can read more?
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2022
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I like your story. It moves along at a good pace and the help of the blind woman is balanced by the violence that follows. The actions are believable and the blink woman knowing the way is possible. There are a few things you might want to look at: "I'm ok(,) Little Light," . . . ash(-)covered clothes. . . . a few fewer wrinkles . . . wouldn't read so awkwardly if you just say "fewer wrinkles . . ." Do you mind if I fan you so I can read more?
Comment Written 25-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2022
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Thank you for your feedback. And no, I don't mind if you fan me.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
I think you need to fix the punctuation here:) "I'm drowning, ash filling my lungs. The screams are everywhere, echoing all around me. I can't get away; I can't get away; it's burning me. " Otherwise this chapter has lots of action and unexpected twists. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2022
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I think you need to fix the punctuation here:) "I'm drowning, ash filling my lungs. The screams are everywhere, echoing all around me. I can't get away; I can't get away; it's burning me. " Otherwise this chapter has lots of action and unexpected twists. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2022
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Thank you for your feedback Iza Deleanu.
Comment from Fleedleflump
There's a good combination of dialogue and movement to this chapter, and an intriguing environment for they to travel through. The action at the end is a little confusing, but a fight in real life would be.
This is an entertaining story. Some notes below as I was reading,
Mike
Spag notes:
'"I'm ok Little Light." I lie.' - should be a comma after 'Light'
'Optimism pouring from her like a torch in the night.' - 'pours' would be more natural than 'pouring' in this sentence construction.
'Water pours from an old aqueduct filling a fountain with its clean embrace.' - needs a comma after 'aqueduct' as we're going from description to action.
'an old woman washing ash cover clothes' - should this be 'ash-covered clothes'?
'She suddenly stops singing, ringing out the last of her clothes.' - 'ringing' should be 'wringing'
'She takes one of the clothes and covers her eye sockets.' - should be 'She takes a piece of clothing and covers her eye sockets.'
'she gathers her belongings and stands shrouding herself' - needs a comma after 'stands' because she's moving onto a new action.
'She leads us deeper into the darkness. The remains of buildings prodding out like broken ribs.' - this either needs to be all one sentence, with a comma instead of the full stop, or 'prodding' needs to be 'prod'
'I'm surprised at what's insideĆ¢?"fire lights the room' - Fanstory has turned a dash into mush.
'Enid's fingers intertwined with mine.' - should be 'intertwine' as we're in present tense.
'She steers her brew.' - should that be 'stirs'?
'He drops the vile' - 'vile' should be 'vial'
'the others kick meĆ¢?"each blow rippling' - another dash issue, and should 'rippling' be 'ripping'?
'My vision blurs, and their words grow distinct.' - 'distinct' should be 'indistinct'
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2022
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There's a good combination of dialogue and movement to this chapter, and an intriguing environment for they to travel through. The action at the end is a little confusing, but a fight in real life would be.
This is an entertaining story. Some notes below as I was reading,
Mike
Spag notes:
'"I'm ok Little Light." I lie.' - should be a comma after 'Light'
'Optimism pouring from her like a torch in the night.' - 'pours' would be more natural than 'pouring' in this sentence construction.
'Water pours from an old aqueduct filling a fountain with its clean embrace.' - needs a comma after 'aqueduct' as we're going from description to action.
'an old woman washing ash cover clothes' - should this be 'ash-covered clothes'?
'She suddenly stops singing, ringing out the last of her clothes.' - 'ringing' should be 'wringing'
'She takes one of the clothes and covers her eye sockets.' - should be 'She takes a piece of clothing and covers her eye sockets.'
'she gathers her belongings and stands shrouding herself' - needs a comma after 'stands' because she's moving onto a new action.
'She leads us deeper into the darkness. The remains of buildings prodding out like broken ribs.' - this either needs to be all one sentence, with a comma instead of the full stop, or 'prodding' needs to be 'prod'
'I'm surprised at what's insideĆ¢?"fire lights the room' - Fanstory has turned a dash into mush.
'Enid's fingers intertwined with mine.' - should be 'intertwine' as we're in present tense.
'She steers her brew.' - should that be 'stirs'?
'He drops the vile' - 'vile' should be 'vial'
'the others kick meĆ¢?"each blow rippling' - another dash issue, and should 'rippling' be 'ripping'?
'My vision blurs, and their words grow distinct.' - 'distinct' should be 'indistinct'
Comment Written 21-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2022
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Thanks again for your feedback Fleedleflump. This helps a great deal.
Comment from JamesW019
Not having read any of the past chapters, I didn't know what to expect. However, I was pleasantly surprised. This is an interesting world you're building, and the writing is solid. Even though I am a little lost, I understand the narrative immediately, and that allows me to be hooked in without having to be explained 40 pages worth of backstory and lore. There are small spelling mistakes and the action was a little hard to follow at times, but for the most part this is very well written.
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2022
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Not having read any of the past chapters, I didn't know what to expect. However, I was pleasantly surprised. This is an interesting world you're building, and the writing is solid. Even though I am a little lost, I understand the narrative immediately, and that allows me to be hooked in without having to be explained 40 pages worth of backstory and lore. There are small spelling mistakes and the action was a little hard to follow at times, but for the most part this is very well written.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2022
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Thank for your feedback.
Comment from prettybluebirds
You have a computer glitch in the next to last paragraph. I found it a bit confusing when Colton asked the old woman who she was and the answer is written in the second person, she instead of I. Otherwise it is very good.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2022
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You have a computer glitch in the next to last paragraph. I found it a bit confusing when Colton asked the old woman who she was and the answer is written in the second person, she instead of I. Otherwise it is very good.
Comment Written 19-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2022
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Thank you for taking the time to read my work. Just to clarify, the old woman speaks in the the second person by default.
