Twin Hearts
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "part 2"A one night stand leads to many surprises
2 total reviews
Comment from R. Marc Goodson
Looks to be a good chapter. Here's something that may be helpful in your editing of it.
"What happened?" I cry, and he hugs me tightly. "Tell me what happened?"
"Sit down," Henry says.
"Henry, tell me if my baby is alive or not?" I cry out.
"Baby, he coded again, and they were able to get his heart started again," Henry says with huge tears falling down his face.
"I can't lose my baby. I can't." I cry and fall to my knees." Note the over-use of 'I cry' in the descriptions.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2022
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Looks to be a good chapter. Here's something that may be helpful in your editing of it.
"What happened?" I cry, and he hugs me tightly. "Tell me what happened?"
"Sit down," Henry says.
"Henry, tell me if my baby is alive or not?" I cry out.
"Baby, he coded again, and they were able to get his heart started again," Henry says with huge tears falling down his face.
"I can't lose my baby. I can't." I cry and fall to my knees." Note the over-use of 'I cry' in the descriptions.
Comment Written 03-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2022
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Thank you!
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
You have put dialogue to good use to move the plot along well, although it would probably be more natural to use contractions in the dialogue, such as we'll (ather than we will) - you have an unfortunate mixture, that's messy.
Minor point:
You can't have a very sterile room. It's either sterile or not.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2022
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You have put dialogue to good use to move the plot along well, although it would probably be more natural to use contractions in the dialogue, such as we'll (ather than we will) - you have an unfortunate mixture, that's messy.
Minor point:
You can't have a very sterile room. It's either sterile or not.
Comment Written 03-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2022
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Thank you
