Rise from the Fall
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Wedding Bells and Battle Horns"From one life to another
4 total reviews
Comment from Lloyd T. Okoko
The objective correlative of this chapter of your book reminisces a threat on existing cordiality occasioned by Colton's killing of a noble's son.
The work highlights the incensed temperament of Giselle; their bid to ameliorate the sad situation; Livius's call to Giselle and Colton and how he intends to douse the tension by getting his son married to one of the feuding hopefuls.
The work earns its texture through its effective use of anecdotes synonymous with uncouth and seemingly unworkable strategies of war.
Excellent work. Bravo.
reply by the author on 22-May-2022
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The objective correlative of this chapter of your book reminisces a threat on existing cordiality occasioned by Colton's killing of a noble's son.
The work highlights the incensed temperament of Giselle; their bid to ameliorate the sad situation; Livius's call to Giselle and Colton and how he intends to douse the tension by getting his son married to one of the feuding hopefuls.
The work earns its texture through its effective use of anecdotes synonymous with uncouth and seemingly unworkable strategies of war.
Excellent work. Bravo.
Comment Written 22-May-2022
reply by the author on 22-May-2022
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Thank you for taking the time to read my word.
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Remain Blessed.
Comment from Fleedleflump
There was a great sense of character to this and some lovely emblematic language. Dialogue was excellent, and I really enjoyed the read.
Spag notes:
'His calm yet stern, like a brother scolding a sibling.' - think this is meant to have 'tone is' before 'calm' - or something similar.
'Unable to hold my tongue any longer, "So I' - either needs 'I am/I'm' at the start, or 'I say,' before the speech starts.
'Placing a hand on my shoulder, "What is important' - missing a pronoun. Perhaps 'He places a hand on my shoulder'
'"Colton, we will discuss this later." She says. "Come." She walks to the doors.' - you don't need 'she says' here because we already know it's her from her earlier actions in the same paragraph.
'He gestures to the desk, many scrolls bearing the mark of house Trajan.' - doesn't quite make sense. Have him gesture to the scrolls instead: 'He gestures to the many scrolls bearing the mark of house Trajan.' (we already know the desk is littered with scrolls)
'Cane in hand, he points to a valley on the edge of the Imperial border. All bridges over' - need speech marks before 'All'
'Curiosity peaked, I ask. "Lord Livius, ' - should be 'piqued' and ask should have a comma rather than a full stop.
'And I will have my extended family wed into the Trajan family. Those cold eyes then fall onto me.' - needs speech marks after 'family.'
' his desk, Handing it to' - 'h' on Handing should be lower case.
I hope that helps.
Mike
reply by the author on 22-May-2022
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There was a great sense of character to this and some lovely emblematic language. Dialogue was excellent, and I really enjoyed the read.
Spag notes:
'His calm yet stern, like a brother scolding a sibling.' - think this is meant to have 'tone is' before 'calm' - or something similar.
'Unable to hold my tongue any longer, "So I' - either needs 'I am/I'm' at the start, or 'I say,' before the speech starts.
'Placing a hand on my shoulder, "What is important' - missing a pronoun. Perhaps 'He places a hand on my shoulder'
'"Colton, we will discuss this later." She says. "Come." She walks to the doors.' - you don't need 'she says' here because we already know it's her from her earlier actions in the same paragraph.
'He gestures to the desk, many scrolls bearing the mark of house Trajan.' - doesn't quite make sense. Have him gesture to the scrolls instead: 'He gestures to the many scrolls bearing the mark of house Trajan.' (we already know the desk is littered with scrolls)
'Cane in hand, he points to a valley on the edge of the Imperial border. All bridges over' - need speech marks before 'All'
'Curiosity peaked, I ask. "Lord Livius, ' - should be 'piqued' and ask should have a comma rather than a full stop.
'And I will have my extended family wed into the Trajan family. Those cold eyes then fall onto me.' - needs speech marks after 'family.'
' his desk, Handing it to' - 'h' on Handing should be lower case.
I hope that helps.
Mike
Comment Written 22-May-2022
reply by the author on 22-May-2022
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This helps me a great deal Fleedleflump. Thank you for taking the time to read my work.
Comment from Gunner Lil
Like the plot.
Hunter stands unmoving. Where are his arms? Across his chest? Behind his back? Yet he nods his head.
There is tension in this chapter, but this reader does not feel it. Use your dialogue to reveal the motives.
I understand they are in a room but where? What is in the room? Maps? Battle plans?
My blood boils... or, I feel my face becomes hot with rage...
The fifth paragraph from the end try, Giselle breaks her silence. "With respect, Lord..." you have her talking then telling the reader she breaks her silence when she has already.
Good story. Thank you.
reply by the author on 21-May-2022
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Like the plot.
Hunter stands unmoving. Where are his arms? Across his chest? Behind his back? Yet he nods his head.
There is tension in this chapter, but this reader does not feel it. Use your dialogue to reveal the motives.
I understand they are in a room but where? What is in the room? Maps? Battle plans?
My blood boils... or, I feel my face becomes hot with rage...
The fifth paragraph from the end try, Giselle breaks her silence. "With respect, Lord..." you have her talking then telling the reader she breaks her silence when she has already.
Good story. Thank you.
Comment Written 21-May-2022
reply by the author on 21-May-2022
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Thank you, Gunner Lil. This is very helpful.
Comment from prettybluebirds
I couldn't find anything wrong with this writing. The dialogue is great and makes the story move forward in a nice manner. The reader can feel the emotions of the characters and that is the way it should be. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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I couldn't find anything wrong with this writing. The dialogue is great and makes the story move forward in a nice manner. The reader can feel the emotions of the characters and that is the way it should be. Nicely done.
Comment Written 18-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Thank you for taking the time to read my work.
