A Penny for you Fought
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Murder House"Dragon Dance Chronicles Book 2
29 total reviews
Comment from royowen
I love the language of "Smiff", and the description of the "Barbarian" both only vaguely human, and the graphic, descriptive language of the initial paragraphs of this episode, the imagery was very image laden, and some of the slick euphemisms used by the characters, nicely written, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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I love the language of "Smiff", and the description of the "Barbarian" both only vaguely human, and the graphic, descriptive language of the initial paragraphs of this episode, the imagery was very image laden, and some of the slick euphemisms used by the characters, nicely written, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 14-May-2022
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Thanks very much, Roy. I love writing humour and I'm glad it comes across :-)
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Well done
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Compelling story. Nicely written.
A list of characters in Author's Notes would be helpful. (We sometimes read and review several a day.)
Best wishes and good luck with the book.
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Compelling story. Nicely written.
A list of characters in Author's Notes would be helpful. (We sometimes read and review several a day.)
Best wishes and good luck with the book.
Comment Written 14-May-2022
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Thanks very much for the thoughts, Wayne. I'll definitely include a character schedule in the next parts.
Comment from lyenochka
Frankly, I'm a bit lost because this isn't a genre I'm familiar with. I think it's really creative to mix the detective and his odd group of buddies with fantasy. The humor would fit that dry humor of the old detective novels but some of it was lost on me. Best wishes in the contest!
Comments:
" colder than a snow suppository or as mad as a box of goblins." (I think this was for humor but it didn't quite work for me but I see it starts entering the realm of fantasy at this point.)
I liked "Distaste twisted his lips" as it gives us a clear visual. But the sentence after that was over the top which I'm sure you intended.
"Aye, lad," I replied, trying to put on his deep voice. (I? but "his" voice?)
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Frankly, I'm a bit lost because this isn't a genre I'm familiar with. I think it's really creative to mix the detective and his odd group of buddies with fantasy. The humor would fit that dry humor of the old detective novels but some of it was lost on me. Best wishes in the contest!
Comments:
" colder than a snow suppository or as mad as a box of goblins." (I think this was for humor but it didn't quite work for me but I see it starts entering the realm of fantasy at this point.)
I liked "Distaste twisted his lips" as it gives us a clear visual. But the sentence after that was over the top which I'm sure you intended.
"Aye, lad," I replied, trying to put on his deep voice. (I? but "his" voice?)
Comment Written 14-May-2022
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Thanks so much for taking the time to read through and make suggestions. I've gone in and done some tweaking to make things clearer (such as, based on your last comment, making it clear that Roslyn, our first person narrator, is imitating Harry's voice (hence the I and his)). I love writing humour, but I never want it to be wearisome, so your thoughts are greatly appreciated.
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Thanks for clarifying. It's an ambitious project and I was thinking this was an interesting buffet of Lord of the Rings meets Colombo or something like that.
Comment from andy mohring
Hi, sorry to only reward one stark but besides the plot being good the writing was fluctuation between past tense, present tense, 1st person POV, distant POV and to top it all off you spoke to me, your reader directly.
It is jarring. Additionally, the CSI tech strolls in like he's a descendent of Moses but we don't get to know him. He talks the talks and walks the walk but who taught him?
I never felt connected to the characters. Unforgettable at best. They need to be developed. You need to show us who and what they are so we can create an opinion and bond with the character or be appalled by them.
Also, describe with all your senses but not to try and be funny, just show it in a way that will make the reader smile. Like:
"The gut heaving pong of last nights afterparty hit me like a HULK smash on steroids. It made my eyes water and I was sure I could smell singed nose hairs. What the blazing hell were they up to? I wondered. Careful to avoid several dubious looking stains, I tiptoed deeper into the gloomy room."
Everything must be told from one POV only. And since this is the opening, why not add some emotions: "Butterflies heaved in my stomach as I tried to guide the shaking key into the lock. What would I find behind door number one? I braced myself and turned the key."
Keep writing, keep reading, keep editing. Your doing well but need to hone your editing skills.
I hope I have not offended in any way and do hope you find my ramblings use full.
Andy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Hi, sorry to only reward one stark but besides the plot being good the writing was fluctuation between past tense, present tense, 1st person POV, distant POV and to top it all off you spoke to me, your reader directly.
It is jarring. Additionally, the CSI tech strolls in like he's a descendent of Moses but we don't get to know him. He talks the talks and walks the walk but who taught him?
I never felt connected to the characters. Unforgettable at best. They need to be developed. You need to show us who and what they are so we can create an opinion and bond with the character or be appalled by them.
Also, describe with all your senses but not to try and be funny, just show it in a way that will make the reader smile. Like:
"The gut heaving pong of last nights afterparty hit me like a HULK smash on steroids. It made my eyes water and I was sure I could smell singed nose hairs. What the blazing hell were they up to? I wondered. Careful to avoid several dubious looking stains, I tiptoed deeper into the gloomy room."
Everything must be told from one POV only. And since this is the opening, why not add some emotions: "Butterflies heaved in my stomach as I tried to guide the shaking key into the lock. What would I find behind door number one? I braced myself and turned the key."
Keep writing, keep reading, keep editing. Your doing well but need to hone your editing skills.
I hope I have not offended in any way and do hope you find my ramblings use full.
Andy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-May-2022
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Dude, I appreciate your time but I'm not certain you understand the concepts you're espousing. It sounds as though you have a great story you want to tell so I wish you well with that.
Anyway, many thanks for your attentions. It's time I took my single PoV and got back to the Companions.
Yours,
Roslyn ;-)
Comment from Ric Myworld
Of course, contest piece names aren't included, so I don't know who you are or if I've read any of your work before. But, I don't think so. It's fun, entertaining, and an all-out assault on every sense known to man. I can't wait to read your next post. GREAT! Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Of course, contest piece names aren't included, so I don't know who you are or if I've read any of your work before. But, I don't think so. It's fun, entertaining, and an all-out assault on every sense known to man. I can't wait to read your next post. GREAT! Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 14-May-2022
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Thanks so much for your words, and I'm thrilled you enjoyed the read.
Comment from Melodie Michelle
Perfect entry for the First Chapter And More contest and best of wishes in the contest my friend!
The storyline is captivating and held my attention throughout the piece and thank you for sharing this well written piece with us and many blessings to you and your family!
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Perfect entry for the First Chapter And More contest and best of wishes in the contest my friend!
The storyline is captivating and held my attention throughout the piece and thank you for sharing this well written piece with us and many blessings to you and your family!
Comment Written 14-May-2022
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Many thanks, Melodies. I'm glad you enjoyed it :-)
Comment from PSYCHLOPS
The gimp part made me laugh lol. I love how much detail you give when describing characters. Makes the visualization in my mind more vivid. I can definitely peep the UK slang in this. I can almost hear the accent as I read lol
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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The gimp part made me laugh lol. I love how much detail you give when describing characters. Makes the visualization in my mind more vivid. I can definitely peep the UK slang in this. I can almost hear the accent as I read lol
Comment Written 14-May-2022
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Awesome - thanks so much. That means I've written the dialogue right!
Comment from nomi338
Sounds like a potentially exciting, and rousing adventure is about to jump off. I like this type of story very much and so I will be looking very much forward to the next adventure(s). I expect that it will take some getting accustomed to as I do not speak like this, but I am able to understand it for the most part.
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Sounds like a potentially exciting, and rousing adventure is about to jump off. I like this type of story very much and so I will be looking very much forward to the next adventure(s). I expect that it will take some getting accustomed to as I do not speak like this, but I am able to understand it for the most part.
Comment Written 13-May-2022
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Thank you. I did debate using the 'dialect spelling' approach, but I think it helps with the humour. Glad you enjoyed.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is very amusing and sometimes, maybe because I'm American, I don't quite get what is being said. I don't think toads croak, just frogs. Terence with his badge is a scream, great visual. It is interesting enough to want to see chapter 2, so you are doing good. Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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This is very amusing and sometimes, maybe because I'm American, I don't quite get what is being said. I don't think toads croak, just frogs. Terence with his badge is a scream, great visual. It is interesting enough to want to see chapter 2, so you are doing good. Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 13-May-2022
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Thank you, Carol. I appreciate it's difficult but hopefully not too hard to follow - I think the dialect helps with the humour :-). Thanks for the amphibian tip!
Comment from Haylee Hemphill
Hello!
This is such a fun and well written piece. I am still so amazed at some writers ability to tell such a great fictional story. This is something I believe I struggle with the most. Thank you for sharing!
One Love
Haylee
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Hello!
This is such a fun and well written piece. I am still so amazed at some writers ability to tell such a great fictional story. This is something I believe I struggle with the most. Thank you for sharing!
One Love
Haylee
Comment Written 13-May-2022
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Thanks so much, Haylee - I'm really glad you enjoyed it.
