Amber Has Three Animals
a children's poem17 total reviews
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Bill,
This is a good poem for children, but I think it needs a punch line. Something to finish off with a bang.
For example,
Amber used to have a blithering, slithering snake.
Her father smashed it on the head with his garden rake.
Too violent? Maybe, but you get the idea. I think it just needs a good ending.
How about,
Amber had a dinosaur, but it was just pretend.
One day it ate her teacher, and now we're at the end.
Nicely penned!
Cheers,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 12-May-2022
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Hi Bill,
This is a good poem for children, but I think it needs a punch line. Something to finish off with a bang.
For example,
Amber used to have a blithering, slithering snake.
Her father smashed it on the head with his garden rake.
Too violent? Maybe, but you get the idea. I think it just needs a good ending.
How about,
Amber had a dinosaur, but it was just pretend.
One day it ate her teacher, and now we're at the end.
Nicely penned!
Cheers,
Kimbob
Comment Written 12-May-2022
reply by the author on 12-May-2022
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I see your point, Kimbob. I had planned on doing more critters but thought it be better to get a critique on what?s here.
Comment from BethShelby
This is a cute poem for children with adorable picture. Children need poem that teach them and animals are always a good choice. This is simple but but fun and would hold kids with short attentions spans. Young children don't need long poems.
reply by the author on 10-May-2022
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This is a cute poem for children with adorable picture. Children need poem that teach them and animals are always a good choice. This is simple but but fun and would hold kids with short attentions spans. Young children don't need long poems.
Comment Written 10-May-2022
reply by the author on 10-May-2022
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Thank you, Beth
Comment from karenina
Leave it to Robyn to develop such a great contest. She just finished a smashing success in the April writing challenge, all children's poems ~ for which she took first place in the contest! Love the way you've laid this out--simple declaratory sentences with fun images. Just enough to hold the attention of the youngest of children! This one is for the big bucks!
Good luck to you!
Karenina
reply by the author on 10-May-2022
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Leave it to Robyn to develop such a great contest. She just finished a smashing success in the April writing challenge, all children's poems ~ for which she took first place in the contest! Love the way you've laid this out--simple declaratory sentences with fun images. Just enough to hold the attention of the youngest of children! This one is for the big bucks!
Good luck to you!
Karenina
Comment Written 10-May-2022
reply by the author on 10-May-2022
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Thank you, Karenina.
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You are most welcome!
Comment from juliaSjames
Love this, Bill. It's funny, well rhymed with good metre. The creativity is rooted in our current reality. There are people who for reasons known only to the Divine, keep alligators in their homes. Paddington Bear and Winnie the Pooh are childhood classics both derived from the iconic Teddy Bear. And yup, Cranes and Flamingos probably stalk lawns all over the country.
Nice one, my friend
Best of luck in the contest
Stay safe and blessed
Julia
reply by the author on 10-May-2022
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Love this, Bill. It's funny, well rhymed with good metre. The creativity is rooted in our current reality. There are people who for reasons known only to the Divine, keep alligators in their homes. Paddington Bear and Winnie the Pooh are childhood classics both derived from the iconic Teddy Bear. And yup, Cranes and Flamingos probably stalk lawns all over the country.
Nice one, my friend
Best of luck in the contest
Stay safe and blessed
Julia
Comment Written 10-May-2022
reply by the author on 10-May-2022
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Thank you, Julia, for the great review. Bill
Comment from robyn corum
Bill,
Well, that is a ton of fun! I hope Amber keeps all these critters separated well. *smile* I am pretty sure that both the upstairs and downstairs (indoor) guests have a penchant for birds.
Nice entry for the contest. Sorry that I can only wish you a wee bit of luck - but I have an entry in that same contest. Soooo...
Thanks!
reply by the author on 10-May-2022
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Bill,
Well, that is a ton of fun! I hope Amber keeps all these critters separated well. *smile* I am pretty sure that both the upstairs and downstairs (indoor) guests have a penchant for birds.
Nice entry for the contest. Sorry that I can only wish you a wee bit of luck - but I have an entry in that same contest. Soooo...
Thanks!
Comment Written 10-May-2022
reply by the author on 10-May-2022
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Thank you, Robyn
Comment from C2
What a great children's poem. You should expand this idea into a children's book! I'm spending the week with my 18 month old grand-daughter at our lake house and this is better than most of the books I've been reading to her.
reply by the author on 10-May-2022
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What a great children's poem. You should expand this idea into a children's book! I'm spending the week with my 18 month old grand-daughter at our lake house and this is better than most of the books I've been reading to her.
Comment Written 10-May-2022
reply by the author on 10-May-2022
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Thank you so much, C2. Appreciate the great feedback.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Well done, Bill. This is an excellent
way to teach children about the different
animals. Well done my friend.
Well done. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 10-May-2022
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Well done, Bill. This is an excellent
way to teach children about the different
animals. Well done my friend.
Well done. Nancy:)
Comment Written 10-May-2022
reply by the author on 10-May-2022
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Thanks, Nancy
Comment from Pam (respa)
-Great artwork and presentation, Bill.
-I am enjoying the variety in your poems.
-Effective imagery and rhyme.
-Each animal is very unique and their
characteristics and rhyme would appeal
to the younger set.
-My favorite is the five foot crane!
-A good job with this; good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 10-May-2022
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-Great artwork and presentation, Bill.
-I am enjoying the variety in your poems.
-Effective imagery and rhyme.
-Each animal is very unique and their
characteristics and rhyme would appeal
to the younger set.
-My favorite is the five foot crane!
-A good job with this; good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 10-May-2022
reply by the author on 10-May-2022
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Thank you, Pam
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You are welcome, Bill.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Aw, that is lovely, Bill. I'm not used to you writing poetry, and this one is so cute. I love all the pictures, they will attract the child to the page and want the story read over and over. Well done and good luck!! :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 10-May-2022
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Aw, that is lovely, Bill. I'm not used to you writing poetry, and this one is so cute. I love all the pictures, they will attract the child to the page and want the story read over and over. Well done and good luck!! :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 10-May-2022
reply by the author on 10-May-2022
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Thank you, Sandra
Comment from judiverse
Clever idea. I could see you expanding on this. You might use a line break between these lines: It likes to look for honey almost everywhere and outside on the lawn. Interesting animal choices. I like the thought of the alligator ridding the house of mice. Very colorful, which adds to kid appeal. Best of luck in the contest. judi
reply by the author on 09-May-2022
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Clever idea. I could see you expanding on this. You might use a line break between these lines: It likes to look for honey almost everywhere and outside on the lawn. Interesting animal choices. I like the thought of the alligator ridding the house of mice. Very colorful, which adds to kid appeal. Best of luck in the contest. judi
Comment Written 09-May-2022
reply by the author on 09-May-2022
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Thank you, Judi. I will make that change.
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You're very welcome, and best of luck. judi
