The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "The Welcome of the Sut Resi"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
3 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
The explanation of dream-walker was interesting and well done. You do a great job of weaving those explanatory elements into the story.
Some excellent descriptive lines (These are not the only ones just a few of my favorites):
'Men and women alike were whipcord lean and leathery from time beneath the sun.' Evokes an image in one sentence.
'Despite his feral appearance, however, Ilati was overtaken by a sense of intense calm, a regal control of his bearing. This was no wild man eating his meat raw in his hands and lashing out like a wounded lion.' The introduction of the chieftain is amazing, but this nugget into his character is exceptional.
'Tahmasp muttered, relaxing like an asp lowering its hood.' Creates a vivid picture in my mind.
Suggestions to consider:
'Ilati considered that.' Maybe 'Ilati considered the question.'
'I do not doubt (that) you are honorable... ' I think you can delete 'that'.
'Ilati was grateful (that) she could assist the horse-warrior... ' Delete 'that'.
'Artakhshathra's voice rumbled deeply, like (a) distant thunder.' I think you could delete 'a' here.
'The chieftain rose (to standing) in an instant, towering over everyone present, and drew a curved bone knife from his belt.' I think you could delete this part since you follow it with 'towering over everyone' so the reader should know.
'She would not be brutalized with no cause, maimed (and) abused. She would accept death and nothing else, but not without resistance. She grabbed at the striking wrist (even) knowing there was no way she had the strength to prevent it from slashing open her throat.' In the first sentence, maybe switch it around a bit? I find the placement after the comma to be a bit awkward. 'She would not be brutalized, maimed or abused with no cause.' You could add a sentence, 'Never again.'
In that last sentence, I think you could delete 'even'.
'Artakhshathra grunted (at that) and looked to Shir Del.' I think you could delete the parentheses.
'A little girl squeal of delight... ' Perhaps 'A little girl's squeal of delight'?
As always, please know I merely offer suggestions. You are free to do with them what you want.
Again, I am enjoying this story. I like how you add depth to each of the characters, sometimes with a single line, sometimes with a story. It's very well done.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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The explanation of dream-walker was interesting and well done. You do a great job of weaving those explanatory elements into the story.
Some excellent descriptive lines (These are not the only ones just a few of my favorites):
'Men and women alike were whipcord lean and leathery from time beneath the sun.' Evokes an image in one sentence.
'Despite his feral appearance, however, Ilati was overtaken by a sense of intense calm, a regal control of his bearing. This was no wild man eating his meat raw in his hands and lashing out like a wounded lion.' The introduction of the chieftain is amazing, but this nugget into his character is exceptional.
'Tahmasp muttered, relaxing like an asp lowering its hood.' Creates a vivid picture in my mind.
Suggestions to consider:
'Ilati considered that.' Maybe 'Ilati considered the question.'
'I do not doubt (that) you are honorable... ' I think you can delete 'that'.
'Ilati was grateful (that) she could assist the horse-warrior... ' Delete 'that'.
'Artakhshathra's voice rumbled deeply, like (a) distant thunder.' I think you could delete 'a' here.
'The chieftain rose (to standing) in an instant, towering over everyone present, and drew a curved bone knife from his belt.' I think you could delete this part since you follow it with 'towering over everyone' so the reader should know.
'She would not be brutalized with no cause, maimed (and) abused. She would accept death and nothing else, but not without resistance. She grabbed at the striking wrist (even) knowing there was no way she had the strength to prevent it from slashing open her throat.' In the first sentence, maybe switch it around a bit? I find the placement after the comma to be a bit awkward. 'She would not be brutalized, maimed or abused with no cause.' You could add a sentence, 'Never again.'
In that last sentence, I think you could delete 'even'.
'Artakhshathra grunted (at that) and looked to Shir Del.' I think you could delete the parentheses.
'A little girl squeal of delight... ' Perhaps 'A little girl's squeal of delight'?
As always, please know I merely offer suggestions. You are free to do with them what you want.
Again, I am enjoying this story. I like how you add depth to each of the characters, sometimes with a single line, sometimes with a story. It's very well done.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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I?m glad the character development is coming across naturally. I?m trying to be slow and intentional, since sometimes I jump the gun. I very much appreciate the feedback and suggestions, so thank you!
Comment from prettybluebirds
This is a most interesting story. Where did you get all the strange names for your characters? I like this genre in storytelling above all others. a bit of fantasy with realism. The dialogue is great and carries the story forward in a nice manner.
reply by the author on 02-May-2022
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This is a most interesting story. Where did you get all the strange names for your characters? I like this genre in storytelling above all others. a bit of fantasy with realism. The dialogue is great and carries the story forward in a nice manner.
Comment Written 02-May-2022
reply by the author on 02-May-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. The names in this chapter are pulled from Akkadian words, Old Persian names, and Egyptian names. I'm glad it was an enjoyable chapter. I really appreciate you taking the time to read it.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Nice reading chapter. It was full of tension, and I saw no problems with your writing. It is a good story line, and I look forward to reading more. Enjoy the rest of your Saturday. Shirley
reply by the author on 01-May-2022
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Nice reading chapter. It was full of tension, and I saw no problems with your writing. It is a good story line, and I look forward to reading more. Enjoy the rest of your Saturday. Shirley
Comment Written 30-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 01-May-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate it. I hope you have a lovely Sunday.
