Love With So Little Time
A couple meet aboard the RMS Titanic.12 total reviews
Comment from K.L. Rockquemore
I adore this post!! You have a tremendously imaginative
and creative mind. This is written superbly! Your writing
is colorful, descriptive, and engaging. I found myself gobbling
up the words to see what comes next.
Bravo!!
reply by the author on 19-May-2022
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I adore this post!! You have a tremendously imaginative
and creative mind. This is written superbly! Your writing
is colorful, descriptive, and engaging. I found myself gobbling
up the words to see what comes next.
Bravo!!
Comment Written 18-May-2022
reply by the author on 19-May-2022
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It is always nice to receive such a high rating, but it means the world to me to see you enjoyed my story. I got a late start with writing, so I have only been writing for a couple of years. I must admit, I am still surprised to see people like what I write. I really appreciate your kind words. Thank you.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Very entertaining. Good work. Well written.
(If you like kissin', that is. lol)
I would have expected a little more work for a valet, maybe fetching coffee?
Best wishes and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Very entertaining. Good work. Well written.
(If you like kissin', that is. lol)
I would have expected a little more work for a valet, maybe fetching coffee?
Best wishes and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 17-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Thank you, Wayne, much appreciated.
Richard
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
Since there are so many stories about the Titanic and the people on board, the main thing that makes this story original will be how it is written. That being said, you tell the story well. It is a story of first love and tragedy, a familiar plot, time-worn, but loved by many readers because of its romance, I suppose. There were a few things in the story, listed below, I suggest you change to make it more interesting for the reader and to make more original to you.
"I heard laughing in the hallway. Hannah said that was them. Sure enough, the stateroom door opened and in entered the Rothschilds, still laughing." I think this sentence is awkward and you should rewrite it to get rid of either in or entered, since they both mean the same thing in this context.
"Sunday, April 14th, started like any other day. My alarm went off, I jumped out of bed, shaved, showered, dressed, and went to Hannah's room." This is an example of something you do sometimes in this story, I call it over-writing the action. The reader assumes that the protagonist on an ordinary day gets out of bed, shaves and showers and gets dressed before starting the day. You don't need to tell these things unless for some reason they are particularly meaningful. Of course, the reader knows here that the ship is going to sink...so maybe if you are going to tell this day seemed ordinary, but was not, make something extraordinary that portends what is to come happen while the protagonist is doing ordinary things. For example, while the protagonist is shaving a bird flies into the closed window and falls stunned into the sea or something similar.
"Hannah and I both loved being around them. They really loved each other and enjoyed their lives together." You say some things over and over again, using different words. This is an example. You don't need to say this more than once.
"We both laughed at our foolishness. I opened the door and took her by the arm. When we arrived at the Café Parisian, she could not believe we were having dinner in such a stunning restaurant. I explained that nothing was too good for my girl. I had never tasted French food. Thankfully, Hannah had when working for her other employer. She did the ordering, and I was not disappointed. The food was great, and the atmosphere was something a poor kid like me had never experienced." Instead of writing this paragraph telling the reader all these things, try some dialogue that tells the reader the same thing, but livens it up some, or use specific descriptions of the restaurant, or the food, or both. Make the reader feel like they are there.
"Hannah had those beautiful green eyes; but with the candlelight from our table and her teal dress, her eyes seemed to sparkle." I don't know how many times you tell the reader that Hannah has green eyes. Use action to tell the reader how she feels. Does she knit her brows while she's focused on fixing a stray hair, does she tap her toes in anticipation? What does she do and say?
Please don't misunderstand my suggestions. That's all they are, suggestions. But, I do feel that given that you know there are lots of stories out there like this one, fiction and non-fiction, you should do all you can to make this one stand out with originality in the writing.
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Since there are so many stories about the Titanic and the people on board, the main thing that makes this story original will be how it is written. That being said, you tell the story well. It is a story of first love and tragedy, a familiar plot, time-worn, but loved by many readers because of its romance, I suppose. There were a few things in the story, listed below, I suggest you change to make it more interesting for the reader and to make more original to you.
"I heard laughing in the hallway. Hannah said that was them. Sure enough, the stateroom door opened and in entered the Rothschilds, still laughing." I think this sentence is awkward and you should rewrite it to get rid of either in or entered, since they both mean the same thing in this context.
"Sunday, April 14th, started like any other day. My alarm went off, I jumped out of bed, shaved, showered, dressed, and went to Hannah's room." This is an example of something you do sometimes in this story, I call it over-writing the action. The reader assumes that the protagonist on an ordinary day gets out of bed, shaves and showers and gets dressed before starting the day. You don't need to tell these things unless for some reason they are particularly meaningful. Of course, the reader knows here that the ship is going to sink...so maybe if you are going to tell this day seemed ordinary, but was not, make something extraordinary that portends what is to come happen while the protagonist is doing ordinary things. For example, while the protagonist is shaving a bird flies into the closed window and falls stunned into the sea or something similar.
"Hannah and I both loved being around them. They really loved each other and enjoyed their lives together." You say some things over and over again, using different words. This is an example. You don't need to say this more than once.
"We both laughed at our foolishness. I opened the door and took her by the arm. When we arrived at the Café Parisian, she could not believe we were having dinner in such a stunning restaurant. I explained that nothing was too good for my girl. I had never tasted French food. Thankfully, Hannah had when working for her other employer. She did the ordering, and I was not disappointed. The food was great, and the atmosphere was something a poor kid like me had never experienced." Instead of writing this paragraph telling the reader all these things, try some dialogue that tells the reader the same thing, but livens it up some, or use specific descriptions of the restaurant, or the food, or both. Make the reader feel like they are there.
"Hannah had those beautiful green eyes; but with the candlelight from our table and her teal dress, her eyes seemed to sparkle." I don't know how many times you tell the reader that Hannah has green eyes. Use action to tell the reader how she feels. Does she knit her brows while she's focused on fixing a stray hair, does she tap her toes in anticipation? What does she do and say?
Please don't misunderstand my suggestions. That's all they are, suggestions. But, I do feel that given that you know there are lots of stories out there like this one, fiction and non-fiction, you should do all you can to make this one stand out with originality in the writing.
Comment Written 17-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
I must tell you when I see a four-star review. It catches my eye more than a six. All of us would love to receive nothing but six star The reality is not everything we write is six-star worthy.
I appreciate people taking the time to critique my writing. How do we improve if no one ever points out areas for improvement? I take every suggestion or recommendation seriously. I want to be a better writer and reviews such as yours will get me there.
Thank you and have a great week.
Richard
Comment from Ric Myworld
I seldom read fantasy; although, this is so true to what could possibly and probably have happened to more than a few, I don't consider it fantasy. Just an outstanding story with writing to match. I thoroughly enjoyed your story and think you might have missed your calling Lieutenant. Thanks for sharing. I wish I had a six!
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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I seldom read fantasy; although, this is so true to what could possibly and probably have happened to more than a few, I don't consider it fantasy. Just an outstanding story with writing to match. I thoroughly enjoyed your story and think you might have missed your calling Lieutenant. Thanks for sharing. I wish I had a six!
Comment Written 17-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
Your kind words are appreciated. I am grateful for my police career. Now, thankfully, I get to do something I love.
Have a great week!
Richard
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is a well-written story with a lot of emotion and angst. Hannah and Michael are the perfect young couple finding love and the hope of a life together. As you read the work of others on Fanstory, you will find your style changing a little, not to match theirs but because the words begin to flow more easily. Best of luck in the Fantasy contest.
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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This is a well-written story with a lot of emotion and angst. Hannah and Michael are the perfect young couple finding love and the hope of a life together. As you read the work of others on Fanstory, you will find your style changing a little, not to match theirs but because the words begin to flow more easily. Best of luck in the Fantasy contest.
Comment Written 16-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Carol,
Thank you for your kind words.
Richard
Comment from robyn corum
Richard,
I adore the Titanic, so I ravaged your story - loving every bite. *smile* I thought this poor guy had survived and lost his one, true love. Bless him! As I got closer and closer to the ending - I didn't really understand how that had happened. hahaha So - this ending was just right. Nice job!
The story got a little wordy -- sorry! -- obviously, some of it is just repetition - the couple doing pretty much the same thing for several days. You could probably eliminate some of this and get away with it.
Other:
1.) Queenstown is one word
2.) As soon as they left, I looked at Hannah.
--> but he is NOT Rothschild's valet. He's still a first-class steward, which means he's in charge of at least eight cabins. Just because this couple gives him the night off - doesn't mean he's off. He would still have to see to the rest of the cabins before he could take that break -- right?? Since the Rothschilds boarded early at Cherbourg - you might mention there weren't many other first-class passengers yet?
3.) For a valet, it was amazing.
--> but he was not a valet. He had been told he would be a first-class cabin steward -- confused. If he's a valet, he's under the hire of the Rothschilds, personally. As a steward, he would be hired by the White Star Line.
This piece is still worth a five. But I would caution you to do a bit of editing and to really consider shortening it a bit? Thanks and good luck!
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Richard,
I adore the Titanic, so I ravaged your story - loving every bite. *smile* I thought this poor guy had survived and lost his one, true love. Bless him! As I got closer and closer to the ending - I didn't really understand how that had happened. hahaha So - this ending was just right. Nice job!
The story got a little wordy -- sorry! -- obviously, some of it is just repetition - the couple doing pretty much the same thing for several days. You could probably eliminate some of this and get away with it.
Other:
1.) Queenstown is one word
2.) As soon as they left, I looked at Hannah.
--> but he is NOT Rothschild's valet. He's still a first-class steward, which means he's in charge of at least eight cabins. Just because this couple gives him the night off - doesn't mean he's off. He would still have to see to the rest of the cabins before he could take that break -- right?? Since the Rothschilds boarded early at Cherbourg - you might mention there weren't many other first-class passengers yet?
3.) For a valet, it was amazing.
--> but he was not a valet. He had been told he would be a first-class cabin steward -- confused. If he's a valet, he's under the hire of the Rothschilds, personally. As a steward, he would be hired by the White Star Line.
This piece is still worth a five. But I would caution you to do a bit of editing and to really consider shortening it a bit? Thanks and good luck!
Comment Written 16-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Robyn,
Thank you for your review. The only way we improve is from honest and helpful reviews, such as yours. I learn from them and hopefully do not make the same errors.
Thank you, Richard
Comment from royowen
What a deeply moving story, and even though it might be fiction, we may never know if this occurrence took place, I wonder if the Rothschild'd were on board, we'll never, but I'm also a romantic at heart as well, but I will always believe there is eternal hope. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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What a deeply moving story, and even though it might be fiction, we may never know if this occurrence took place, I wonder if the Rothschild'd were on board, we'll never, but I'm also a romantic at heart as well, but I will always believe there is eternal hope. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
Comment Written 16-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Thank you for the kind words. The Rothchilds were actual passengers. She survived, he remained behind. Another sad story of the Titanic.
Richard
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That?s right
Comment from WalkerMan
Because of demands on my time over the last few years, I have been reviewing sparsely and posting even less. When this post came up after I reviewed something else, the title drew my attention enough to start reading, after which the story kept me going despite the time I knew it would take.
The nature of this story, including sufficient depth of each character, the details of each scene, the plausibility of all dialog, the realistic pace of events, and the way the plot unfolds combine so well that the tale seems true, causing the reader to feel like an invisible witness to all that the protagonist/narrator experiences. I can readily imagine this story in the form of a highly successful movie.
Superb and aptly illustrated.
reply by the author on 07-May-2022
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Because of demands on my time over the last few years, I have been reviewing sparsely and posting even less. When this post came up after I reviewed something else, the title drew my attention enough to start reading, after which the story kept me going despite the time I knew it would take.
The nature of this story, including sufficient depth of each character, the details of each scene, the plausibility of all dialog, the realistic pace of events, and the way the plot unfolds combine so well that the tale seems true, causing the reader to feel like an invisible witness to all that the protagonist/narrator experiences. I can readily imagine this story in the form of a highly successful movie.
Superb and aptly illustrated.
Comment Written 06-May-2022
reply by the author on 07-May-2022
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I cannot thank you enough for your kind words. I took up writing during the Covid lock down as a way to occupy my mind.
I write for the love of writing. Any help you can offer is appreciated.
I do have my own website if you would like to see my other writings.
www.rfrohm412.com
Looking forward to your suggestions.
Richard
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You are most welcome, Richard. Writing is a good way to maintain mental acuity, any you clearly have talent as well.
I'll look at your website when I have a chance. Meanwhile, I have fully edited this post for you at no cost and will send you a link to download it in PDF format, complete with the grammar rules relevant when needed. The idea is to teach you to fish, rather than hand you a fish. Look for a PM from me shortly. I will read more of your work as time permits. You will understand why I am so busy when you see what i do, including helping writers to publish at reasonable cost. :)) -- Mike
Comment from Julcia
This is a fine story. it has a strong opening line backed up with good supportive
sentences. The middle, the body of this piece,tells its story with great detail.
Some details are repetitive to this reader. They weaken the story's power.
This attempt to tell the Titanic's tragic tale through the experiences of four
passengers works very well. Perhaps some of the kissing and walking about
the ship could be limited.
The story"s ending appears trite. This has been done before. Couples are
frequently found together in death. This senario has been done throughout
history.
You are a good creative story writer.
Julcia
cent
.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-May-2022
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This is a fine story. it has a strong opening line backed up with good supportive
sentences. The middle, the body of this piece,tells its story with great detail.
Some details are repetitive to this reader. They weaken the story's power.
This attempt to tell the Titanic's tragic tale through the experiences of four
passengers works very well. Perhaps some of the kissing and walking about
the ship could be limited.
The story"s ending appears trite. This has been done before. Couples are
frequently found together in death. This senario has been done throughout
history.
You are a good creative story writer.
Julcia
cent
.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-May-2022
reply by the author on 07-May-2022
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Thank you for taking the time to read my story and your review.
The only way we improve is listening to others. Your comments and suggestions are well taken and appreciated.
If you are interested in seeing other stories I have written I encourage you to look at my website.
www.rfrohm412.com
I wish you would take a look at it and read some of my other stories.
Your feedback would be appreciated.
Richard
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Thank you for taking the time to read my story and your review.
The only way we improve is listening to others. Your comments and suggestions are well taken and appreciated.
If you are interested in seeing other stories I have written I encourage you to look at my website.
www.rfrohm412.com
I wish you would take a look at it and read some of my other stories.
Your feedback would be appreciated.
Richard
-
I have been reading some of your
works. Most impressive.
Julcia
Comment from irishauthorme
What a beautiful, and touching story!
In your words and phrases, your characters came to life. I could picture Michael and Hannah, their fairy tale romance and the kindly Rothschilds. My knowledge of the Titanic overshadowed your story, a precursor to tragedy. The sinking panic was as you wrote, men knocking ladies out of the way to get in the too few lifeboats.
Is that Martin and Elizabeth Rothschild in your picture?
Tried to find the same on various sites but no luck.
Great work!
irish
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2022
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What a beautiful, and touching story!
In your words and phrases, your characters came to life. I could picture Michael and Hannah, their fairy tale romance and the kindly Rothschilds. My knowledge of the Titanic overshadowed your story, a precursor to tragedy. The sinking panic was as you wrote, men knocking ladies out of the way to get in the too few lifeboats.
Is that Martin and Elizabeth Rothschild in your picture?
Tried to find the same on various sites but no luck.
Great work!
irish
Comment Written 28-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2022
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I am so glad you enjoyed it. I have been away from writing for a while. It is good to be back. Sorry, the photo is not the Rothschilds.
I will be honest with you, I read things written by people such as yourself and others and I do not see me at your levels.
Thank you again for the encouraging words. Richard
