Rise from the Fall
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "A Deal"From one life to another
4 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
You have a very engaging chapter. I like that. But there is some additional minor editing needed.
notes:
I lean in[.] "The trade routes are cut off. There's no way you can supply her."
- change to a period
Suddenly Becka jumps to her feet, "You lie. Our herbs can't be grown this far south. It's too warm." She protests, digging her nails into the desk.
- switch around.
Suddenly Becka jumps to her feet. "You lie. Our herbs can't be grown this far south. It's too warm," she protests, digging her nails into the desk.
Giselle worried about me. News of that street brawl must have reached her by now?(") what a joke.
- edit
He grabs my shoulder{,} "Kid, I know the two of you have a prickly relationship
- change to period.
Stop staring, you perv." She said, cheeks red with embarrassment, "Colton!" Becka
- change
Stop staring, you perv," she said, cheeks red with embarrassment. "Colton!" Becka
["]What? I'm not walking home in a robe Becka." My robe lays on the floor, and I dress, hiding that I'm hard. Once dressed, I look at the sealed letter; we're one step closer. "Thank you, Madame, I'll give this personally to my aunts.(") we'll get our land and finally have our own home
-edit
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2022
  |
You have a very engaging chapter. I like that. But there is some additional minor editing needed.
notes:
I lean in[.] "The trade routes are cut off. There's no way you can supply her."
- change to a period
Suddenly Becka jumps to her feet, "You lie. Our herbs can't be grown this far south. It's too warm." She protests, digging her nails into the desk.
- switch around.
Suddenly Becka jumps to her feet. "You lie. Our herbs can't be grown this far south. It's too warm," she protests, digging her nails into the desk.
Giselle worried about me. News of that street brawl must have reached her by now?(") what a joke.
- edit
He grabs my shoulder{,} "Kid, I know the two of you have a prickly relationship
- change to period.
Stop staring, you perv." She said, cheeks red with embarrassment, "Colton!" Becka
- change
Stop staring, you perv," she said, cheeks red with embarrassment. "Colton!" Becka
["]What? I'm not walking home in a robe Becka." My robe lays on the floor, and I dress, hiding that I'm hard. Once dressed, I look at the sealed letter; we're one step closer. "Thank you, Madame, I'll give this personally to my aunts.(") we'll get our land and finally have our own home
-edit
Comment Written 29-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2022
-
Thank you for taking the time to ready my work. I'm make these edits asap.
Comment from royowen
There is seemingly always a connection between organised crime and prostitution, and the reference to the five families is mafioso involvement, the casting out of the boy Colton, seems to have an attitude by some parents of being able to make it in the world by casting out. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2022
|
There is seemingly always a connection between organised crime and prostitution, and the reference to the five families is mafioso involvement, the casting out of the boy Colton, seems to have an attitude by some parents of being able to make it in the world by casting out. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
Comment Written 29-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2022
-
Thank you for taking the time to read my work.
-
Most welcome
Comment from KyColonel Randal
Thank you for sharing. I found it interesting that this piece seems to be set in a whore house, not that I'm offended. I find the writing compelling, and I was intrigued by the mention of "the five families," a subtle mafia reference from the real world that carries a bunch of connotations for your readers. The only error I saw on a first read was the strange symbols in this sentence: "News of that street brawl must have reached her by nowâ?"what a joke."
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2022
|
Thank you for sharing. I found it interesting that this piece seems to be set in a whore house, not that I'm offended. I find the writing compelling, and I was intrigued by the mention of "the five families," a subtle mafia reference from the real world that carries a bunch of connotations for your readers. The only error I saw on a first read was the strange symbols in this sentence: "News of that street brawl must have reached her by nowâ?"what a joke."
Comment Written 21-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2022
-
Thanks for taking the time to read my work. I'm glad some got the mafia reference.
-
My pleasure.
Comment from prettybluebirds
I can't honestly find anything I dislike about this chapter. The only thing is I'm a bit confused because I haven't read any of the previous chapters. The dialogue is great throughout the story. Perhaps, just a little more description would help but it is very good as it is.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2022
|
I can't honestly find anything I dislike about this chapter. The only thing is I'm a bit confused because I haven't read any of the previous chapters. The dialogue is great throughout the story. Perhaps, just a little more description would help but it is very good as it is.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2022
-
Thank you.
